Day 22- Rant About Something

Day 22- Rant About Something.

Oh man, what a great topic for me. On my snarkiest days, I can definitely get a good one going.

Honestly, my latest rant is Facebook {OVER}Sharing.

First up? Moms on Facebook. Not just any moms, but moms of children under 5. For some unknown reason, thank to the encouragement of social media like twitter, instagram, and facebook- some people feel compelled  to share their every moment in life with the whole world. And I do mean every moment. WHY?? JUST WHY?? Sharing a funny story, or a public service announcement, or even an interesting news article is one thing. Even albums of fun trips or birthday celebrations are ok. But the pictures AND the stories can quickly go from “oh look! That must have been a fun event” to “WHAT THE HELL? I don’t want to see pictures of that bodily function. EVER!”

My peeve with this oversharing started in college, when Facebook first hit the scene and people are all about sharing everything. A group of girls from my sorority went out to celebrate one of their 21^st Birthdays. The next few days produced pictures of the birthday girl sitting in her own urine and vomiting in public. Nice friends, right? First of all, who takes pictures of that kind of thing anyway? Not cool. But then, to put them on a public site for the whole world to see? Even less cool.

Now, I am older and as my friends and friends of friends have reproduced in mass quantity we now have the first generation of Facebook moms; still unable to [correctly]decide what should and should not go in the line following “What’s on your mind?...”  Photos of your naked child should NEVER go online. Baby picture album at home? Go for it. A soapy naked toddler lapping your house is adorable- in print, behind plastic, in a physical album, in your home. Not on the world wide web! Al Gore would even agree he did not invent the internet for this kind of absurdity. Additionally, sharing the bodily functions of your precious child should also NEVER go online. Not a picture, not a status, not a damn freaking thing. Nothing. “Oh, your kid pooped in the potty today? So did my two cats. In their ‘potty’. Also successful.” Perhaps I should start oversharing like some moms about my cats’ bathroom excursions and post pictures taking a poll of who thinks which poo is Lulu’s and which is Leo’s. Maybe I will even throw in a stray cat’s poo just to mix up the game. (sometimes our neighborhood strays poop on our front porch. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go I reckon!) Or how about I share whenever they throw their poo OUTside the litter box? Because apparently, stories of little boys smearing the house or tub with poo are cute enough to share on Facebook. Sure! Go ahead and share that, but don’t get butthurt when people decline your invitations to a coffee chat or dinner in your home. Sorry, but most people would just rather not know and assume that the aroma of bleach in your home is just there because you like things super duper clean.

Next up: NEW Moms. In Labor. And I don’t mean the weekend before school starts in the fall. The uncontrollable need to post every single detail of childbirth complete with pictures of you barely clothed, sweating, and draped with a baby the shade of a beet just don’t appeal to the mass majority. Again, save those for a personal album at home. How about if the camera could just stay in the off position until everyone has a normal looking skin tone, maybe a sponge bath, and has put a comb through her hair. Seriously girls-I love ya’ll and I am so happy to see pictures of your sweet baby’s first moments in this world. But that’s all I wanna see. You and your baby, fully clothed, clean, and smiling. It’s almost like if it’s not on facebook ASAP, it’s not real? What’s next? Hashtags before, during, and after labor? “#myvagissohugeandthishurtslikehell”

“#shouldhavegottentheepiduralfml”

“#omgcheckouthishead” (add in photo of baby crowning)

“#sheiscoveredingoopbutimsoinlove”.

Just so everyone here knows, I plan to have as MANY drugs as possible when I give birth because if I don’t, my hashtags at that point would go something like this:

 #makingthislittleshitwasmorefunthanpushinghimout,

“#ifonemorepersonsayspushiampushingthemandgoinghome.”,

& finally  “#fucktheicechipsandgetmeamartinibecauseheisalmostoutanyway”

On the note of hashtags: #tags:   WHAT THE HECK IS THE POINT? Who would take the damn time out of their day to sit on google and lookup the RIDICULOUS run-on-words people create with them? Just like 90% of MSN.com’s ‘front page stories’- NO BODY GIVES A FLYING MONKEYS BEHIND! It’s  just weird and annoying. Stop it!

Next up on the rant: ”Selfies” (A new term for a photo posted to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram that was taken by turning your camera around and snapping the photo of yourself by yourself- or of friends squeezing together and taking the photo of themselves). Let’s be clear, a few are ok and fun. But when your every single photo is from that angle and you’re alone in all of them, I am going to take a guess that you have no friends. I’ll even take it a step further and say that you are just a liiitttlllee bit self obsessed?Just a bit? At least get a camera with a timer and a tripod. FOOL us into thinking someone took the picture. Please.

And finally we have the awkward posed picture peeve. Every girl ever these days has seen the Cosmo article telling you how to stand in a photo to look your best (i.e. skinny). You angle your body toward the camera, put one or both hands at your hip, roll your shoulders back, and make sure the camera is getting the skinnest side of your face as you angle your chin down slightly to make your face look skinny too. What do you get? A bunch of really severly diluted girls thinking that these tricks will suddenly snap away the pounds with the flash of a camera. Truth? There is some truth to the suggestions. Standing up straight, pulling your shoulders slightly back, and catching your good side will make for a FLATTERING picture. But for pete’s sake, it’s not lyposuction in a can. So don’t turn every photo opportunity into a “sorority squat with a cheerleader hands-into-fist-and-put-on-hips” for every single picture ever. You might look a little thinner, but you also look ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS because unless everyone is standing that way, you’re now the awkward one in the group. Just be yourself and be realistic.  Hell, if it’s that bad just photoshop it. Why do you think that was invented?!

1.      Last but not least- EMOPOSTS…. UGHHH!!! What I mean by “EMOPOST” is a status update saying something like this: “Everytime I put my heart out there, it gets ripped to pieces. I’m done. #singleforlife”  or “Guess I’m just doomed to get the short end of the stick every time.” Or “After my conversation with someone on Saturday night. This nearly took my breathe away <insert sappy love ballad video link>” All this kind of crap is is a desparate attempt to get attention. We get it, you’re sad. Boo hoo. If shit is that bad, get OFF Facebook, and go hangout with your friends. Maybe even grab your Bible and talk to the Lord. He’s the best listener. Ever. Whining in public is just embarassing and sad. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

*exhale…..done.