The Bachelor 2012

*gag*

Southern women are sweeter and classier. Period. If you want to argue, just watch this year's first season of The Bachelor. As most of us watched Ben get his heart obliterated by the idiotic Ashley Herbert last year on The Bachelorette, it was so exciting to know he'd come back to try again. He's a sweet guy with a big heart and isn't psychotic, jealous, and completely fucked up in the head by a previous girlfriend's shitty behavior like JP is. Good luck with that nutjob, Ash! 


So now it's Ben's turn to sort through 25 women to find his bride. I watched the first two episodes of this show, like the sucker I am so now it's my mission to discuss this ridiculous process of finding love. Lord knows EHarmony is just as crazy, but going on national television? NUTS! But genius because I am so entertained!!!!

Angry brows. Angry boobs.

First and foremost, Blakely needs to go on back home to wherever she came from.  A 34 year old cocktail waitress? Bitch, please. I know a girl's gotta pay her bills, but is that your only occupation? 

I really hope that ABC is paying her extra to act the way she's acting because that is the only acceptable reason for behaving as she has. She looks older than she is, her boobs are way to big for her frame, and her eyebrows could use a little thinning. AND lose the lipliner- it's 2012, not 1990! Poor North Carolina, I bet the governor really doesn't want to claim her. I wouldn't. She's not a true southern woman.   Customer service is best delivered with a big smile and a "come on in!" attitude. I bet this girl walks up to her tables and says "what can you do for me?"

Ms. Sniffles

Thank GOD Ben had the foresight to send home this season's Cryer- Jenna. Oh my goodness! No wonder this crazy bitch is still single. And if this shit makes her cry, she should honestly cry at every wedding ever because every groom "never gave her the chance to show him what a wonderful person" she allegedly is. Holy shit, woman. Get it together! Put your lady balls on! This chick is has Self Esteem Susie written ALLLLL OVER her!!!! I REALLY hope ABC doesn't invite her to be the next Bachelorette. She's so desperate for acceptance, love, and attention that she'd NEVER send any of them home.

And Courtney? OH WOW! She is quite the heartless, cold, self important cunt. Just because you're a model doesn't make you a beautiful person inside or deserving of someone of Ben's caliber. You're not that hot. Get over yourself!

Dear Ben, PICK THIS GIRL.  Sincerely, Me.

So, who is my favorite? Kacie B. She is SO CUTE! Obviously, I'm taken by the BEST Ben in the world so the next best thing is for this Ben to take this girl Kacie B. Kacie isn't my favorite name because it reminds me of this AWFUL girl I went to college with. She was a real life Blakely.  Horrible beyond belief and SO loud. SO LOUD! And now she's pregnant. Why? Why do all the crazies reproduce and then act like Angel Mommies?? I really want to hire a skywriter to spell out the following statement: "Look, bitch. I've seen you roll around in your own vomit. And now you have a child out of wedlock. Acting as though you're flawless just because you're a mother is seriously disturbing. NO ONE is buying your act. NOR are we paying you. Just STOP IT!"

...whoa. ok. I'm getting off my tangent I was off on...

But this Kacie is recovering the name's reputation with me. Even though she's young and sounds like she's just a secretary, that's ok. I bet she takes a great memo and is a POST IT PRO!!! That can come in handy in a wine business, I'm sure :)
I just love this girl so far. She's my #1 pick and I have GREAT TASTE! Hello! All my friends are gorgeous and my fiance is the best thing since sliced bread. (love ya, babe!)