"...that bwessed awangment."

“Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.” Yes yes, The Princess Bride is hilarious. Now onto more serious matters.

So handsome!

When I was in college, almost every senior in my sorority was engaged by the time she donned her cap and gown.  The saying was “You come to college to find your husband, you join your sorority to find your bridesmaids.” Gag me, right? Yeah that’s what I thought too.  Wedding after wedding, chicken dance after electric slide, I thought for sure my turn would be coming in a few years.  After all, the college boyfriend and I were “that couple” and everyone was certain we were headed towards matrimonial bliss.  Then reality and fate stepped in and I ninja-bitch-kicked that twerp to the curb. THANK GOODNESS! Fortunately for this princess many years of frogs were ahead of me. Yuck!  Meanwhile, I attended many weddings, watching all my girlfriends marry their Mr. Right and soon after, begin producing perfect little tiny people.  So after about age 25 I sort of just hung up the whole idea that I was going to get to join the club of wedded bliss.  For real.  Call it [and me] bitter, I prefer “realistic”.  I thought if I really met the right person, we’d just do something small and simple. NBD. My family is small… so it’d be easy to plan. Hahahaha! That notion it hilarious to me now. 

Why is that funny, you wonder? Well, if you haven’t met my fiancé then it wouldn’t make sense. He and his family do nothing in moderation.  [Perfect example: We opened presents on Christmas Day…all day. Until dinner. Seriously.] So once we got engaged, and reality set in I realized my idea of something simple and small was lost in the dust. Big time.

Sneaky boyfriend...the ring was in his shirt pocket!!!

To clarify, the act of getting engaged is awesome.  Words don’t do justice to how it felt seeing the man of my dreams on one knee, blinding me with a diamond ring, in the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I was so stunned that instead of crying like most girls do [or say that they do] I just sorta of dropped my jaw in disbelief and kept saying “Oh my God this is really happening. Oh my God. Oh my God….” Sneaky boyfriend! Unfortunately for most couples, the amount of stress and pressure that soon after follows is more like a nightmare [sorry, babe] that doesn’t seem like it’ll end until after the last “Thank You” note is mailed off. 

So let’s just put this out there…the ugly truth, if you will. Being engaged is not the dream that every girl envisions. Seriously, there should be a manual issued to every gal over 21 breaking down all the unfortunate truths of being an adult not living the life we see on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. [hmm… maybe this manual idea will become another solid post that my buddy Rob will enjoy.]  Weddings cost money, no matter how big or small you want it and as every bride discovers- http://www.theknot.com/ is bursting with vendors ready to rape you for every penny you’re willing to spend, and millions of ideas that most of us non-billionaires can’t afford.  [The better websites for my fabulous gals on a budget? http://www.pinterest.com/ and http://www.etsy.com/ .] 

In addition to feeling like a terrible Bride because you can’t afford a bag of personalized M&M’s or with your initials and date, everyone (family and/or wedding party) has an opinion.  Where to have it. Who to invite. What to wear. What to eat. Which church…the list goes on. RAWR! Help is welcome.  Negativity is not. It makes me a cranky-pants-Bride and then my MOH has to regulate!

Lucky for B and I, we’re footing the bill so what we say goes. Period. <insert ‘plan laugh’ >

The thing that has actually disappoints me most is not that I don’t have $50,000 to spare or that my family has been less than enthusiastic about my wedding, it’s actually the “marriage advice” that I get from RUDE people.  Most of the time, I appreciate a little wisdom from the other officers in my Wardroom or people that I know. But we have a lot of jackasses around…and these crusty old farts really should just keep it moving. Instead of the usual sweet stuff you hear like “Never go to bed angry”, “Always kiss me goodnight”, these jerk faces say things like:

“Hope you got a pre-nup!”

“So you’re really getting married, huh?”

“Wait, you’re getting married to another service member? And you’re both active duty? HA! Good luck!”

“Just wait until you have kids…then your life is over.”

“So, still getting married?”

“Don’t get fat, cut your hair, or stop putting out.”

“Why are you getting married? You’re life is over- your husband isn’t going to let you go out and do anything.”

“Hm. Guess you weren’t planning on staying in the Navy. Wait, you are? Why? Get out and just stay home and have children.”

Seriously.

For the record, I am not interested in the fact that you’ve gone years in your marriage with no sex and you weren’t even deployed. Or that you and your spouse had a ton of kids way too early in your marriage and lost the romance that brought ya’ll together. Or that your wife just won’t put out; and that your kids are brats.  Hell, if I was your wife I wouldn’t either since you have a nasty attitude like that. Maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror there, pops. It takes two, ya know?! Geez, if you’re that unhappy do what every other middle aged fat ass man having a midlife crisis in America does. Divorce your wife, buy a sports car, get a dumb haircut, a fake tan, and a 22 year old bimbo girlfriend.

I smile and laugh and tell them they’re being silly, but they just look at me like I’m a moron and have no idea what I’m getting myself into. It’s in those moments I wish I’d been just as rude back to them.  I’m about one more negative comment away from invoking my mother’s statement of “If you’ve nothing kind to say to me keep it to yourself.”

…NOT WELCOME HERE!

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. How could I? I’ve never been married before and honestly no one really knows what the hell they’re doing when they say “I do”… but the few important things I do know is that I love him, we are committed each other and to our life together, and the rest is just details that will work themselves out one way or the other. And I’m always right J HA!

xoxo

Secret Gender=CRAZY LESBIANS!

So is he gonna have a sex change if he wants to be a girl?

While I completely agree that homosexual couples should be allowed to have families just like heterosexual couples, the idea that a lesbian couple actually made an effort to conceal the gender of their son is ludicrous!
First and foremost, little girls and little boys are likely still developing physically and mentally up until they begin puberty. This poor little boy is now so confused and every day is dress-up for him. Him, whose name is Sasha. SASHA IS A GIRL'S NAME!!!

"...Sasha dresses in clothes he likes -- be it a hand-me-downs from his sister or his brother. The big no-no's are hyper-masculine outfits like skull-print shirts and cargo pants. In one photo, sent to friends and family, Sasha's dressed in a shiny pink girl's swimsuit. "Children like sparkly things," says Beck. "And if someone thought Sasha was a girl because he was wearing a pink swimming costume, then what effect would that have? "


Um, seriously? This boy can't wear pants but he can wear a little girl's swimsuit? Let's call a pig a pig. Just let this poor little kid be a BOY and try again for a GIRL! Then they can have the daughter they CLEARLY always wanted and stop torturing this little boy by forcing him to live a life that tells him that at home he can be a boy or girl,  but at school he has to be a boy. 

Don't be hatin!

"Sasha's also not short on dolls, though Barbie is also off limits. "She's banned because she's horrible," Laxton says in the Cambridge interview. "


WHAT?? This little boy can play with DOLLS but not Barbie? Yeah. That's right. Cabbage patch kids, beanie babies, and Polly Pocket is gonna lead him towards a life of virtue. But Barbie will absolutely push him over the edge into "potential serial killer". 


On a macro level she hopes her son sets an example for other parents and makes them reconsider buying their own sons trucks or forcing their daughters into tights. She's seen how those consumer trappings affect how and who kids play with in the sandbox. 


The only example her son is gonna set is "Don't play with this kid. His mom will put you in a dress and hand you a doll."


But the sandbox is just a precursor to the classroom. When Sasha turned five and headed to school, Laxton was forced to make her son's sex public. That meant Sasha would have to get used to being a boy in the eyes of his peers. Still, his mom is intervening. While the school requires different uniforms for boys and girls, Sasha wears a girl's blouse with his pants. 


Oh please. You are making a conscious decision to put this kid in GIRL'S clothing item. You. The adult who can make an informed decision. Do you just not like your son? 


"But as parents well know, bullying is hard for any child to avoid. It's more important to raise someone who's confident enough in himself to overcome peer pressure. It's also important to have his parents have his back (remember the mom who defended her son's choice in a Halloween costume?) Maybe Sasha's early years will be character building, maybe he'll have a higher emotional quotient being raised with dual perspectives on gender. Or the reverse could be true: Sasha may have less of a formed identity because of his upbringing, and feel angry at his mom for dressing him in flowery shirts and telling the world about it. Then again, maybe he'll get over it. 


As for Laxton, she says she's open to her son pursing any career or sexual preference he chooses as he matures. "As long as he has good relationships and good friends," she says, "then nothing else matters, does it?" 

This boy's Moms are thiiiis close to an ass kicking.

The likelihood of this little boy's emotional upbringing turning into a positive experience is slim. While he may be more accepting of others and the backgrounds they come from, today's world is not as accepting or forgiving. And he will resent the teasing and alienation that is sure to occur if his crazy Moms keep sending him to school in mixed gender outfits. What the hell makes him so special that he doesn't have to follow the rules just like every other little boy and girl in his school? I personally grew up wearing uniforms and liked the knowledge that I didn't have to worry that I'd look not-as-cool as the next girl in my class. We all looked the same. But just because this little boy has two Moms who don't want to acknowledge a gender for him, he gets to wear girl's blouses? What the hell? So with this logic, he should get to drive at 12, drink at 16, kill whoever he wants, and join the military and wear a ladies uniform and be called "ma'm".


And saying that she'll support whatever career or sexual preference he chooses is a little bit early. This kid isn't even 6 yet!!!! He's a little boy. He probably wants to eat pizza, and ride bikes with his friends, and be mean to little girls because they have cooties. Not because he should because that's what little boys have to want because they are boys...but because THAT'S JUST WHAT'S FUCKING NORMAL! So how can she expect him to make a decision- ANY decision in his life if he honest to goodness doesn't even know if he's a boy or girl? Without this simple definition of self and knowledge of identity, it's going to be absolutely impossible to move forward and mature into a productive member of ANY society. Instead, he'll be more prone to don a trench coat and shoot up  public establishment. Thanks, Moms. Thanks!

The Bachelor 2012

*gag*

Southern women are sweeter and classier. Period. If you want to argue, just watch this year's first season of The Bachelor. As most of us watched Ben get his heart obliterated by the idiotic Ashley Herbert last year on The Bachelorette, it was so exciting to know he'd come back to try again. He's a sweet guy with a big heart and isn't psychotic, jealous, and completely fucked up in the head by a previous girlfriend's shitty behavior like JP is. Good luck with that nutjob, Ash! 


So now it's Ben's turn to sort through 25 women to find his bride. I watched the first two episodes of this show, like the sucker I am so now it's my mission to discuss this ridiculous process of finding love. Lord knows EHarmony is just as crazy, but going on national television? NUTS! But genius because I am so entertained!!!!

Angry brows. Angry boobs.

First and foremost, Blakely needs to go on back home to wherever she came from.  A 34 year old cocktail waitress? Bitch, please. I know a girl's gotta pay her bills, but is that your only occupation? 

I really hope that ABC is paying her extra to act the way she's acting because that is the only acceptable reason for behaving as she has. She looks older than she is, her boobs are way to big for her frame, and her eyebrows could use a little thinning. AND lose the lipliner- it's 2012, not 1990! Poor North Carolina, I bet the governor really doesn't want to claim her. I wouldn't. She's not a true southern woman.   Customer service is best delivered with a big smile and a "come on in!" attitude. I bet this girl walks up to her tables and says "what can you do for me?"

Ms. Sniffles

Thank GOD Ben had the foresight to send home this season's Cryer- Jenna. Oh my goodness! No wonder this crazy bitch is still single. And if this shit makes her cry, she should honestly cry at every wedding ever because every groom "never gave her the chance to show him what a wonderful person" she allegedly is. Holy shit, woman. Get it together! Put your lady balls on! This chick is has Self Esteem Susie written ALLLLL OVER her!!!! I REALLY hope ABC doesn't invite her to be the next Bachelorette. She's so desperate for acceptance, love, and attention that she'd NEVER send any of them home.

And Courtney? OH WOW! She is quite the heartless, cold, self important cunt. Just because you're a model doesn't make you a beautiful person inside or deserving of someone of Ben's caliber. You're not that hot. Get over yourself!

Dear Ben, PICK THIS GIRL.  Sincerely, Me.

So, who is my favorite? Kacie B. She is SO CUTE! Obviously, I'm taken by the BEST Ben in the world so the next best thing is for this Ben to take this girl Kacie B. Kacie isn't my favorite name because it reminds me of this AWFUL girl I went to college with. She was a real life Blakely.  Horrible beyond belief and SO loud. SO LOUD! And now she's pregnant. Why? Why do all the crazies reproduce and then act like Angel Mommies?? I really want to hire a skywriter to spell out the following statement: "Look, bitch. I've seen you roll around in your own vomit. And now you have a child out of wedlock. Acting as though you're flawless just because you're a mother is seriously disturbing. NO ONE is buying your act. NOR are we paying you. Just STOP IT!"

...whoa. ok. I'm getting off my tangent I was off on...

But this Kacie is recovering the name's reputation with me. Even though she's young and sounds like she's just a secretary, that's ok. I bet she takes a great memo and is a POST IT PRO!!! That can come in handy in a wine business, I'm sure :)
I just love this girl so far. She's my #1 pick and I have GREAT TASTE! Hello! All my friends are gorgeous and my fiance is the best thing since sliced bread. (love ya, babe!)

Shark Week

Dramatic Music. Antagonizing scientists. Obsolete places on earth. And there's a whole week dedicated to this... awesome. At least B is entertained. And Rachel too :)

Say "Sea Lion!"....yeah. That'll get a smile on his face.

Repel This!

Let me put this out there: I absolutely L-O-V-E The Man Repeller. While 90% of her style choices would look like absolute garbage on me, her funky fashion-forward looks are fantastic on her lean frame. She's so lucky to have such long legs and gorgeous hair- hell, she'd look good in a freaking potato sack!

Anyway, what I do want to address is the models in her recent post... (no disrespect to them or TMR for choosing the pics.) I just couldn't stifle my giggles as I read through her latest post. The expressions call for some C&S expressions added.

Are you shitting me? These pants belong on MC Hammer's wife's bridesmaids.  ("Can't marry this!" Duuh-na-na-na. Dadum! Dadum!)
No really. Why? Why the hell are parachute pants even being made? It's bad enough that certain branches of the military still think that pleated pants are a solid choice for ladies uniforms. Now they're actually being VOLUNTARILY PURCHASED?? Holy smokes!

No joke, I think my mother has this scarf...and this jacket. And so does Melanie Griffith. She got it off the set of "Working Girl". Hello, ladies. It's 2011 and life is too short for poor fashion choices.

 No, ma'am. Leopard print should be worn SPARINGLY!!!!!! Unless you're married to Ice-T, don't do it. It's just not fair to my eyes. But you work it, model girl. Strike that pose!

American Pickers is a show about people who rummage yard sales and flea markets for valuable treasures. Clearly, this girl found the best treasures of all! WINNING! A 'picked' over sweater paired up with Britney Spears' tossed aside jean shorts. The best part of this outfit [seriously] is her shoes. They are fun and sexy. However the model doesn't seem to think so, based on her "I look stupid and I know it" expression. Yes, dear. Yes you do.

NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN A MULLET. Be it haircut or dress, it's bound to be a disaster. Look how pissed off the model is? I bet she was late to the shoot and they decided to stick her with the dress that all the on-time-models were like "Paha! i ain't wearing that garbage!"

It's Not Me, It's You. Really.

Oh, please. I'm fabulous. It's definitely you!

How many times have we heard "It's not you, it's me" as we stand there crying and watching what we thought was "the one" walk away? In light of recent breakups in the celebrity world and among friends, I think it's time we compile a list of the common breakup lines and discuss the truth behind them.. No no, this is not to upset anyone. This is to poke holes in the lame ass excuses that we've all been given or given to former partners to ease the sting of ending a relationship. While honesty is the best policy, it's also the least used policy because it's as uncomfortable as hooker in church.

Without further a due, here we go...

Breakup Line #1. "I think we should see other people"

    Ahhh, the classic line. Now when you say "think", what you really mean is that you've already met someone and [likely] shagged them. That is the only thing that would explain your emotional distance and lack of sexual interest as of late. Furthermore, why in the world do you think that sleeping with a stranger is going to erase the memory of your unfaithful behavior? I know you're stupid because you cheated on me but now I think you're just plain crazy.


Breakup Line #2. "It's not you, it's me"

    I believe you. Obviously you're mental because I am fabulous and you will never do better than me.

Breakup Line #3. "I don't want to be in a relationship right now"

     No no. No no. Let's be straight about this. You don't want to be in A relationship, you want to be in MANY relationships without any commitment or monogamy. That way sleeping with whomever whenever isn't technically cheating.  And seriously? Just replace "...right now" with "...with you"  because we all know that's what you really mean. You just don't want to say it right this minute because being alone scares you and you only care about me juuuust enough to not want to see me cry. Furthermore, also want a 'Plan B' (as in back-up) on the off...likely chance that you don't find someone better [as I'm sure you think you will]. Instead, you just want to have the opportunity to come crawling back and romance me with the line of "Baby, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't live without you." Nice try. What you really wanted to do was go do whatever you want without it being considered cheating. Grow up. Sticking your appendages in everything in town isn't going to help you find yourself. It will, however, help you find penicillin.  Just be honest.


Breakup Line #4. "I need to focus on my career right now"

I'm ready to take your.....memo

     No, you don't. You need to focus on the hot new employee at your job and just don't want to be dragging "baggage" (i.e. your current flame) to work functions. Tell ya what, if the grass is really greener then I'll do a naked lap of downtown at noon on the first snow-day of the year in 5" stilettos and my best diamonds.


Breakup Line #5. "I just don't see you in my future"

     You don't want me in your future cause if you did, you wouldn't say a dumb thing like that line I just heard. You have no idea what your future holds but that's ok. I know mine will be filled with love from someone who cares and wants to be there- good times and bad. Peace!!!!

Breakup Line #6. "I met someone else"

     Probably true, and he/she also probably doesn't know that you're currently in a relationship. Or that you're even alive for that matter. No worries, give me his/her address. I'd be happy to send your next load of dirty laundry over there for him/her to take care of. Nothing says "lets date!" like skid marks.

Breakup Line #7. "....silence..."

    The GRA was hungry for another coward. Whew! Trust me, though...it was for the best.


Breakup Line #8. "You just want this more than I do."

     You're absolutely right. I want to be with you. You don't want to be with me. At all. This is close to being honest, but not quite.

Who NOT to pick for "What Not To Wear"

That swim suit is being punished. Along with my eyes.

 

"What Not to Wear" is a fantastic show where horribly dressed people get shown the error of their ways, and given $5,000 to fix it. Yes, that's right. FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! PLUS they get a free haircut & color and a makeup artist shows them how to NOT look like crap. Now being a Christian woman, I'm very supportive of charities for worthy causes and quite frankly, someone's horrible choice in clothing certainly is a worthy cause to me. First, because it offends my eyes. They didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to look at such an atrocity on a daily basis. And second, because most folks can't afford to just drop a few grand to revamp their wardrobe on a minute's notice so a little help is always nice. More good karma should be put into the world. That's why [barring really bad service] I always over-tip.

While this all sounds wonderful, there's just a teeny little problem I have with the show's creators..or whoever is in charge of selecting the lucky person to be featured on each episode.

WHY DO YOU PICK THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY UNGRATEFUL SELFISH PEOPLE TO GET $5000 WORTH OF NEW CLOTHES????????????

Seriously!!! It's unfair! The latest episode I watched featured a woman who actually worked at a textile company in the design department, yet she couldn't dress her way out of a paper bag. She's in her 40's, a little heavy set, and thought that white socks, clogs, dumpy shirts, & brightly colored patterned leggings were a good idea for daily wear. Those should only be found on thin, attractive women... and ONLY on October 31st of each year. The tights weren't the worst part, believe it or not. It was actually her attitude. All she did was complain. The whole time. About how everything she picked out to try on looked awful on her. Gee, I'm so sorry, ma'am. That $5000 shopping spree you've been given must really be stressing you out! What a horrible thing to have to burden?! Poor thing...

Keep telling yourself that.

Well, of COURSE all your choices look like shit on you! That's kinda why you're on this show in the first place. You can't even dress yourself with YOUR clothes so thinking that putting on more expensive threads will suddenly make you a size 6 and well dressed is just absurd! And don't even try to blame the store for not carrying the right size or style of clothing for you. No. Just no.

Step 1- know your body type. (pear shaped, busty, no curves, etc.) 

Step 2- know your color pallet. (pale skin + pale shades= bad choice.). 

Step 3-dress for your age. (not the age you wish you were.)

This will make ALL the difference in the world in keeping you looking put together, professional, and attractive.

So who should the producers select for this show? 

A DESERVING, GRATEFUL, PRODUCTIVE 

MEMBER OF SOCIETY!!!  

     Perhaps a new Mom looking to dress for her newly changed body. Maybe someone from the Biggest Loser who doesn't have anything smaller than a camping tent to wear to work. A college graduate who can't afford a professional wardrobe to go out and interview in. A military service member just back from a long deployment. (they defended our country so you, Stacey and Clinton, should protect my eyes!)

 

 

Hollywood Tacky Wrap.

Lady Gaga, Nicki Manaj, and Ice-T's wife Coco (I'll refer to her as MIT- Mrs.Ice T)... those names conjure up a variety of images filled with color, shapes, and meat. Just roll 'em up for a "Hollywood Tacky Wrap". Similar to the Olsen twins reminding me of little girls playing dress up with Mommy's clothes, LG, NM, and MIT also remind me of girls playing dress up... in a Halloween-meets-Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory kind of world. Yep. I went there. But hey- when you show up in public wearing a dress made of sirloins and t-bones, you've asked for it!

First let's take a look at LG.

Shit. I can't see.

Cats are supposed to find the toy in everything. LG finds the "accessory" in everything. Hair into a bow. Bozo shades likely made of drink coasters from a frat house. Orange skin. A meat dress that could double as a dinner. Just come on down to Norfolk this August and lay down on a sidewalk. You'll be 'well done' in no time! Just don't do it in front of the SPCA building. It might cause some confusion among the newly adopted kittens and puppies on their way out the door. Constantly making a "Vogue" face? No no. That is probably just the confusion and horror you feel at looking the way you do. Personally I'd be thinking "Holy shit. I can't believe that I go in public like this, sing stupid songs, and still manage to make enough money to pay my bills!!!" And then the "egg" arrival. LG, you weren't 'born'. No ma'm. We could see you in there waving. Or where you gasping for air and flagging us for help? Either way, performing arts really takes on a whole new meaning here. PS- I'll take mine medium rare. Thanks!


Next up: NM.

Maybe she's color blind...looking at this, I wish I was.

Yes. All 4 images in that picture are the same woman. Hard to believe. I know. First, she squeezed into all the pantyhose left over from the female contestants on "Biggest Loser". Next, she tried to blend in with her bathroom wallpaper. Very stealth. After that, enter the jewelry box explosion. Her earrings stuck to the dress, and then bracelets were embedded into the hips of the dress. Guess there's no need to accessorize this outfit!!! and Last..um..well. Looks like you made a Lisa Frank folder into a dress, stole Barbie's shoes, and then put cotton candy on your head to 'top off' the outfit. Hey, if you get hungry at least your hair doubles as a snack.

Last one- MIT.

"My what are showing???"

Embarrassingly enough, I've sat through several episodes of "Ice Loves Coco". Mostly it was because I was too comfortable to get up and change the channel. The rest of the reason is what we'll now call "Train Wreck Syndrome"- the inability to look away from absurd behavior due to the extreme entertainment factor. MIT, your husband resembles your dog. You? You're not a bad looking lady. Truly. However let's talk about a few things. Painted on clothes, ENORMOUS fake boobs, orange skin, winged eyeliner, barbie pink lipstick, white hair that's way too long for a 30 year old, black eyebrows, and too much bronzer on top of already-orange skin? YUCK! And every day? Didn't you ever hear the trick of "less is more"? In your defense- you does have some pretty damn fabulous shoes and I love that you came out with a line of clothing for curvy girls. My ass and hips said to tell you "Thanks!"
My favorite Coco moment is when she couldn't decide if she wanted to be her sister's birth coach or not... Coco, dear. The fact that you didn't instantly say yes just shows how unbelievably self centered you are. She's your sister, you pumpkin-colored dummy! Don't ask questions, just be there. This isn't an earth shattering decision despite how you tried to pretend it was and then acted let down when your sister was like "cool, thanks." What did you want? Tears? Shaking, crying, and uncontrollable gratuity? Get over yourself! And p.s.- the baby will come out whether you're there or not. Double p.s.- Alcohol at a baby shower is tacky.

....Thanks, ladies. This HTW is 'Licious'!!!

Fitness Fakers

Tonight we're going to explore the world of Fitness Fakers. Yes, that group of ladies who wear workout gear deliberately yet do not workout. At all.

As I browsed the aisles at the grocery store tonight, a woman kept stepping in front of me with a very confused look on her face. And after giving her a once over, I realized her confusion because if I was her I'd feel exaaaactly the same. There she stood with obviously freshly highlighted hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her face was perfectly made up. This adorable little head of makeup and cute hair was atop a petite figure dressed in black running shorts and a black tank top, standing in white...perfectly white athletic shoes. Then she had a cute little vera bradley hipster bag to top of her outfit. Really gave it that "pop of color" that the adorable stylist on E! always suggests.  

At that point, it occurred to me that she was what I like to call a "Fitness Faker".There wasn't an ounce of evidence that she'd been breaking a sweat in any way shape or form. Not even from her car to the door of the supermarket! 

WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL????

If you worked out, you'd look like this:

In short, try harder. Step FOOT into a gym. Go for a light jog. Give fitness a try! 

Beating a Dead Horse

With a recent outbreak in DUI's within the workplace, management thought it would be a good idea to gather everyone up for some "Straight Talk" about it. I was thinking it might be good idea since a lot of folks don't know the big picture of the repercussions surrounding a DUI. What would have really made sense is to outline the court costs, the job costs, the damages to all involved parties, not to mention the time that the company has to waste telling everyone else not to be a complete dip shit like the people who DO choose to get behind the wheel intoxicated.
HA!

Let's recap what ACTUALLY happened. 5 people got up and talked about losing someone in a DUI accident, or being the one who drank and drove and now their whole life is a mess. All in all, 45 minutes of sob stories. No statistics, no money breakdown, nothing tangible. NOTHING!

I bet you're thinking, "Wow, you are a huge insensitive bitch." Nope. I'm not. I'm a person who absolutely hates having her time wasted. So being forced to sit through 45 minutes of sob stories thanks to some folks who made shitty choices irks the shit out of me.

The definition of crazy is repeating a single action and expecting different results. Every week, we're told not to drink and drive and every week, someone still does. So what good did gathering up everyone for 45 minutes of "this could be you" stories? NONE. It just annoyed people, and wasted time. 

Seriously, though- what is so hard to understand about the message from the law? Take a cab! Walk! Call someone! Argh!!!!!!!

            DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!

Facebook

Ah, Facebook. Who doesn't love it? (Yes, a love/hate relationship counts). For many, it's a way to stay current with other folks' lives[or lack thereof] and for others, it's a handy business tool with very cheap advertising. I'm a big lover of Facebook since I live very far away from all my best friends and family and don't get to go back home that often. That is until this morning.

     Signing on this morning, I saw that I'd received a message. Upon retrieval I was surprised to see the sender and even more surprised to see the verbiage. The message was from a guy I'd gone to grade school with. Let's call him Johnny K. He was a great looking guy and all the girls had crushes on him (including me). After 8th grade, though he went to a public high school and I was shoved off to the local Catholic High School for some more quality education. High School, as you may have read in previous posts was not exactly the high point in my life. Luckily for him, he did great! Great enough to peak. In High School. [poor guy!] He played football and baseball, and even dated one of my best girlfriends who was one of the prettiest girls at their High School. I thought he was a still a jerk because...well. He was...until he started abusing her. Between the bruises and psychotic jealousy, he quickly became one of my least favorite people. Ever. It also didn't help that his mother was screwing around with his high school baseball coach to get him play time and every one knew it. Gross, right?

    Now, I haven't actually spoken more than a few sentences to this guy ever in my life. He was THE guy in grade school and high school while I was the skinny, dorky girl who didn't quite fit in with the cool girls in the class. Needless to say I wasn't even a blip on his radar. So after my friend dumped him and slapped him with a restraining order, I happily never saw or heard of him again. Until now- 12 years later.

     Thanks to Facebook, he somehow found me and managed to type out a message reading "Can't accept a friend request?"..........................Um, what?  First of all, what friend request? And second, why would I?? We were never actually friends and I'm really not interested in changing that situation. I don't mean to be a jerk. I just don't see any point in acting like we're friends when we aren't. Why do people we don't care for manage to find us on Facebook and send us a message to the tune of "Why won't you accept my friend request?" or "Hey, it's been a while. You look great. How are you?" or "Hey, we should get together and catch up next time you're in town. When are you free?"Are you that bored since peaking in High School that now you feel the need to start trying to rebuild all the bridges you burned 10 years prior? Or are you looking up the dorky kids in the hopes that maybe they're still dorky so you don't have to feel so bad about not doing much right now?

This would be a good option as well. Right?

     Let's clear a few things up, folks. If you weren't friends with someone in High School (whether you were the jerk or they were), don't look them up 10-20 years later and send messages asking about their well being. It's just annoying and unnecessary. Life moves on and clearly you just didn't make friends or stay friends for a reason. Let it go. Personally, I really hate it because then I wind up recalling shitty experiences of being the awkward kid in school- which then only fuels me to want to send a less than kind response back their way such as these...

MESSAGE 1:

"Why won't you accept my friend request?"

"Because you were never really that nice to me. Ever. Please don't contact me again."

MESSAGE 2:

"Hey, it's been a while. You look great. How are you?"

"I am great and yes, it has been a while. No, I'm not interested in how you're doing. Your stellar choice of a  profile photo is enough to confirm to me that your 'glory days' are receding as quickly as your hairline. However, as I do recall we were never actually friends so please don't contact me again."

MESSAGE 3: 

"Hey, we should get together and catch up next time you're in town. When are you free?"

"No, we shouldn't. Please don't contact me again."



...I wonder which message that Mrs. K will send to the baseball coach?

...While I Waited For My Beer.

     Those who are regular readers of this fabulous little blog know that I HATE it when people are rude to the waitstaff at restaurants/bars/coffee shops. Working in food service is genuinely a rite of passage and everyone should have to do it at some point in their life. It teaches a valuable lesson in humility, good manners, and what hard work really is.  However, that does not excuse a waiter or waitress that just sucks at the job and doesn't care to get better. Better service = better tip. Period.

      Monday night is Trivia Night at a little place near my downtown apartment. (I say 'downtown apartment' because it sounds chic and very cool. Two things I like to strive to be.) It's a local joint with $2 PBR, an attempt at TexMex, and even a Vegan menu! Truthfully, it's just glorified bar food but the Trivia is a great time. I met a group of friends there last night. B, Archer, Perkie, New Kid, and Tulane. It was my first time doing the Trivia night thing so I'd held out on cooking dinner before I went so I could order dinner there. Mistake #1. I also didn't drink at home because I knew there was beer there. Mistake #2. And I wore cute skinny jeans with a chic t shirt, cardigans, and my new favorite flat sandals. Mistake #3.  It was an attempt at being casual yet still sexy, since I have a hard time with the jeans + t shirt look. I feel like it's not 'me' and it feels like I'm trying too hard to look casual when I do it, therefore canceling out the casual feelings that dressing that casual is supposed to provide.

No pie for me, No tip for you!

     Apparently I needed more accessories. #1. A penis. #2. A high-and-tight. And here's why I needed them: We had a waitress who clearly felt that she could make more money from the guys than us gals, so she gave them better service. (see #24) Period. I.E. promptly delivering cold beers as soon as the guys were done with their current one, instant chips and salsa refills, and accurate checks at the end. Me? I had to get the guys to flag this DG down for a beer after my SEE THROUGH GLASS sat empty in front of me while she delivered ice cold PBR's to the guys. Seriously? B suggested that maybe some chocolate would rectify my mood since my disappointment was quickly spiraling into unadulterated hatred. Wrong. She ruined that too because when I did select a dessert, she wound up coming back to tell me they'd just run outs of it. Did she offer something else instead? Nope! I don't think so! Just the super annoying "OMG. We juuust ran out. I'm sooooooo sorrryyyyy." So I only had 1 pint of PBR and then somehow I wound up being charged for 2? Oh hell no! In the time it would have taken to get her to figure out who was supposed to have been charged for that 2nd one and fixed the check, I could have polished a 2nd pint off....that is, if she even noticed I was thirsty in the first place.

     Now I know you're probably thinking I'm a super bitch. True. I do have my moments as every gal does but here's the catch. It wasn't her first night waiting tables and she even knew a girl at the table by her first name! And the truth about the dessert? She probably stashed the last piece in the back of the fridge to eat later as she cries because she made no money tonight and "people suck. they're mean. they don't understand how she works." Again. Better service = better tip. Period.

Hollywood's Latest Craze: The-Child-Molester-Look

Jack Nicholson? Is that you?

Yesterday, I went to the hair salon for a touchup on my highlights. Life really is better as a blonde. (just FYI) My 1st favorite thing about getting my hair done is the commercial-esque hair flip I get to do as I waltz out of the salon at the end- looking and feeling fabulous. My 2nd favorite part about getting my hair done is sitting under the dryer in the massaging chair, and flipping through trashy magazines. Yay! Hollywood gossip always makes me feel better about myself, my fashion choices, and my life overall. So as I flipped through the stack of trash that my stylist handed me something horrible was staring back at me from the cover of People. It was Charlie Sheen. Looking like this. 

Sparrow? Where are your feathers?

Could it get worse? Yes. Then I saw Johnny Depp looking like this.

I don't know what's worse. The clown-paid shirt or the gold chain.

Then I realized that the older men of Hollywood are actually trying to look cool by donning accessories that look like they came from a costume box at a cheap theater. Why? Patricia Fields wouldn't even do this. And the younger men are shying away from the creepy tinted glasses and instead are adding scarves, trendy readers, or ACTUAL sunglasses to this stupid look. Seriously?

                                                                       NEWS FLASH
                                Unless you're wearing a nice 3-piece suit, do not wear a hat. Ever.

You will look stupid...and like you forgot to finish getting dressed. Also, tinted glasses are creepy (not trendy) and intended for little Asian men who do nails or sell 'antiques'.The only man who could ever pull this off is Cary Grant. Period. Baseball caps are occasionally ok, just not inside restaurants that don't have girls in orange shorts and white knee socks.

And FSG's: unless The rain in Spain is falling mainly in the plain, please save hats for: the beach, costume parties, cold weather, and [of course] Horse Races.

"AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Things A Girl NEVER Wants To Hear from a Nail Tech

Being a girlie girl, maintaining my nails and toes is imperative. I love to have my little tootsies scrubbed and polished every few weeks. For that 1 hour, I can relax in a massaging chair and the toughest decision I make is "wha cola i wan". Recently, I had the pleasure of enjoying a little self pampering in my new neighborhood. Nervous to try a new nail salon, I decided to braved a Mall Salon. This saved me a 30 minute drive to the little suite I frequented bi-monthly in my last neighborhood. By the time I left, I felt like I needed to go scrub my entire body with clorox bleach just to remove the filth I felt. Ironically enough, it wasn't from unclean tools or a dirty salon. It was from the nail tech.

I opted for a new set of french tips on my digits, and postponed a pedicure until I observed how this new-to-me salon operated. Smartest decision ever. A chubby little Asian man who called himself 'Mike' sat down and asked how he could help me. Apparently, patiently sitting at his manicure station didn't make it obvious enough that I was there for a nail treatment. Did he think I got lost on the way to Starbucks or something? I politely explained I was in need of a new set, as most of my acrylics were on their last dying hope of staying attached to my fingernails. Then I clarified exactly how I wanted the new set to look and shape I preferred my nails to be filed into. At this point he should have known I was a serious gal when it comes to a well groomed hand on a lady. Instead, he commented that perhaps I'd like them filed into points so I could really scratch up my boyfriend during sex... Yep. He actually said that.

Me luv u long time

I changed the subject immediately and asked if he'd seen any good movies lately. Perhaps affording him another opportunity to NOT taste his own feet. The effort was pointless. The topic of animals came up and I asked him if he liked cats. He said "No. I hate them and kick them when they come near me. But I do love p****." He was serious. The discomfort level was rising higher than the 4" wedge sandals I had on. Then he commented on how much he loves spring because women dress sexier, showing more skin and he loves to look. Sitting there in my brand new, flowery strapless sundress suddenly left me feeling like I was in my underwear. God knows what he was imagining me [not] wearing as he worked on my nails.

Again, I changed the subject. "Do you have a family?" He answered "Yes". When I asked how many children he had, he said he didn't know and that none of them lived with him. They were with his grandparents and they don't miss him because they don't like him. Shocker! By this time he was finishing up and my nails looked FANTASTIC! As I was paying him, and he actually had the nerve to write his personal # on a business card from the counter and hand it to me. Really, dude? You just met me and used the "P-word", you actually kick cats, and don't seem to know [or want to admit] how many children you have. If it was up to us to repopulate the earth, the human species would die with me because I'd use my "claws" you so-carefully-filed to rip you to pieces. That way I could die alone. NOT covered in shame and disgust.


Serious Note: This nail salon is located at the McArthur Center in downtown Norfolk. There are two of them there. NEVER go to either. Ever.

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...