What is normal?

* this might not make sense- but it was necessary*

For the next 2 weeks I'm living alone with my kitties in the house I share with my future husband. 7 days after those two weeks are up- I will be his wife. The Mrs... The old ball and chain... The battle axe...The Little Mrs. Yep, the wedding has finally arrived.

Freedom!!!!!

As my last "single girl" weeks draw to a close, this alone time is a blessing to reflect on this whole ordeal and accept my identity crisis. Ever since my first candle pass in my sorority, I couldn't wait to one day have a man and [non Marquis cut] rock of my own. How fun to be engaged and have bridesmaids and a yummy cake?! This happens to every girl upon college graduation, right? As many long time friends know, the college relationship I shared with a guy that everyone thought was destined to end in marriage, did not. Boohoo. YIPEEEE!!!
Finally I was free! Free to date around and flirt and mingle and have fun. Welllllll maybe I should have reigned in my fun because my open heart took quite a pounding over the next 6 years...leaving me what was recently referred to as "sadly jaded". It's true. I am unfortunately instantly untrusting of people in general, and my time away from home, moving around has not exactly helped restore my once blissfully ignorant happy nature. Now I have been labeled as someone who is "not nice" and "doesn't think very Christian." To say that to a girl who grew up attending Church twice a week for 12+ years, doesn't sit quite right. At all. First of all, the more time has passed since my care free days as a single college senior- the more I struggle to relate to the women in my family. Then I joined the Navy- and upon meeting other women realized that no, I can't make friends so easily anymore. Suddenly a kind word and friendly attitude is taken for stupidity and flirting- not just being a Christian gal and showing kindness to a neighbor.  This concept I'll never understand, but have learned to adapt to. Mostly.

There I am... 25 and as Ms. Yearwood sang, "...trying to make it in her daddy's world." No boyfriend or even a prospect, no money- just a degree, a low paying full time job, and a whole life I was leaving behind to find where I was supposed to go and be the person I am meant to be; See the world, and serve honorably. The Navy was not always a dream of mine. As much as I love it, it really wasn't.  For so long when family suggested joining I rejected the idea because I'd have to leave home and cut my hair. Truth be told, I wanted to go to graduate school and work at a college. I loved college and never wanted to leave. My friends were there and the classes were fun and challenging.

But away I went to the experience of a lifetime.  Finally I realized that being a Navy girl is not attractive and the likelihood of me following suit with my non-Navy friends of ever being married in my 20's really wasn't looking too good. Left and right, engagements popped up, bouquets were tossed, and eventually families grew. Not only did I miss out on those amazing moments with my friends- nothing remotely similar was happening to me. (WTF, universe?!) Instead I was dumped via a text message by one boyfriend, later wound up on a date with a guy who still lived at home and didn't have a job, and then it was time move [AGAIN!] and to deploy. When you're leaving the country for 7+ months, relationships don't start. They look great, and free dinners are nice but things don't go anywhere. Finally I caved. Single. That was me. And upon much reflection and unrest- I learned to accept it. But Single to me meant more than just not having a boyfriend- it meant not having any real friends around either. No one came to visit me...in any of the places I've lived. Of course my girls at home would always be my girls, but my two closest Navy gal pals were on opposite sides of the globe. Ironically also both getting married. Seriously. And to top it off, none of my coworkers wanted anything to do with me. And they all hated each other too. Seriously. Made for a long 7 months. Working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 212 days straight- and instead of the mentorship and friendship that I thought would come along with my first time at a Division Officer, I got ignored for not wanting to date a coworker and for not being a kiss ass to the upper leadership.  That's not how I was raised. I was raised to work hard and advance on my own merit, to earn respect instead of demanding it and to respect others even if I don't care for them personally.

This. Totally. Happened. To me.

I supposed the feeling I'm really trying to convey is that I felt left out- which isn't unfamiliar to me in the slightest. As a kid  I got left out because I went to school where my Mom taught. Naturally kids think I got special treatment and that's why I did well. Quite the opposite happened. I was given no leeway, and any trouble at school followed me home including punishments. So really, I worked twice as hard to do well and was treated as though I didn't really earn it. That concept often follows women in the Navy- and is incredibly frustrating.  So I worked hard at this job. Long hours, long weeks, long months. And I wondered why this feeling of being "outside" always crept in.  I worked just as hard as everyone else- could my decision to join have been a mistake? What if the Navy isn't for me? What happened to the Navy I grew up hearing about? Why is everyone SUCH a jerk? I don't know if I can take 16 more years of the mental abuse and strain on my personal life. Hostessing at a restaurant wasn't even this bad!!!!! Everyone's life around me is moving forward- masters degrees and babies and weddings. Do I not deserve that too? Maybe it wasn't- I never dreamed about a wedding as a little girl. Apparently many little girls do this? None of my friends did. Of course, this is because I played in the woods with boys, building forts or playing Mario Cart on rainy days and riding bikes. There were no girls around to be friends with... that my mother approved of. Even my barbiedoll phase was short lived.

You know Jesus is watching?...Santa too.

As an adult, the idea of a wedding seemed exhausting- my parents were married in a courthouse. Mom wore a pants suite. While this idea is much too casual and hippie for me, I like the simplicity of it. I'm an independent girl and what I find more desirable than a fabulous china pattern is a man who loves me. Who is honest, because too many were not. Someone who loves my family, and my friends, and me just as I am- stubborn, and independent. Someone who needs me as much as I need him, and who shares my beliefs, and dreams, and wants to make some of our own. Forget bridal showers, and petit fours, and blenders, and poofy dresses.  Cause no matter how skinny you are on your wedding day, it won't change anything about the course your marriage will take. I think [from what I've witnessed] it's your mindset going in- it's accepting all of each other and having reasonable and complimentary expectations of yourself, each other, and the union. The relationship, the partnership, the union before God matters most to me. The commitment and the confidence...and the trust.

And then it happened- and I suddenly instead of giddiness, I wound up feeling wrong again. Not that the engagement was wrong or that it wasn't what I wanted.... but that bride gene that most girls have? Yeah- um, I think I skipped that issue when it was happening. I wasn't excited about picking a place or cake or menu or whatever, and my poor groom just looked at me with confusion. Well, DUH I am girly and love girly things--- so why don't I like any of this stuff as much as other girls? I didn't even know what kind of dress I wanted until it was zipped up on me in the dressing room. The rest of the details sort of fell into place. Can he love the non-bride-Bride that will float toward him in 19 days? Do other women my age or my generation feel this way? The sight of wedding planning just makes them want to scream?

It's just not me. Period. At all. I'm not the "oh-my-God-everyone-pay-attention-to-me-NOW! ALL DAY!" sort of person. And just because I am the bride, doesn't mean I'll become one. I'm more of a "hey ya'll, come get some cake and let's have some drinks and celebrate our union!" I hope that he will love me for the un-Bride that I am, and know for sure that I won't cut my hair off, gain weight, and stop..uh, well, ya know? This isn't normal according to all my planning books but oh well.
He will marry me knowing that I don't give a rats ass about the details- because all the things that I could ever want for a wedding and our marriage are things we already have, and they didn't come from a registry <3