It's Not Me, It's You. Really.

Oh, please. I'm fabulous. It's definitely you!

How many times have we heard "It's not you, it's me" as we stand there crying and watching what we thought was "the one" walk away? In light of recent breakups in the celebrity world and among friends, I think it's time we compile a list of the common breakup lines and discuss the truth behind them.. No no, this is not to upset anyone. This is to poke holes in the lame ass excuses that we've all been given or given to former partners to ease the sting of ending a relationship. While honesty is the best policy, it's also the least used policy because it's as uncomfortable as hooker in church.

Without further a due, here we go...

Breakup Line #1. "I think we should see other people"

    Ahhh, the classic line. Now when you say "think", what you really mean is that you've already met someone and [likely] shagged them. That is the only thing that would explain your emotional distance and lack of sexual interest as of late. Furthermore, why in the world do you think that sleeping with a stranger is going to erase the memory of your unfaithful behavior? I know you're stupid because you cheated on me but now I think you're just plain crazy.


Breakup Line #2. "It's not you, it's me"

    I believe you. Obviously you're mental because I am fabulous and you will never do better than me.

Breakup Line #3. "I don't want to be in a relationship right now"

     No no. No no. Let's be straight about this. You don't want to be in A relationship, you want to be in MANY relationships without any commitment or monogamy. That way sleeping with whomever whenever isn't technically cheating.  And seriously? Just replace "...right now" with "...with you"  because we all know that's what you really mean. You just don't want to say it right this minute because being alone scares you and you only care about me juuuust enough to not want to see me cry. Furthermore, also want a 'Plan B' (as in back-up) on the off...likely chance that you don't find someone better [as I'm sure you think you will]. Instead, you just want to have the opportunity to come crawling back and romance me with the line of "Baby, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't live without you." Nice try. What you really wanted to do was go do whatever you want without it being considered cheating. Grow up. Sticking your appendages in everything in town isn't going to help you find yourself. It will, however, help you find penicillin.  Just be honest.


Breakup Line #4. "I need to focus on my career right now"

I'm ready to take your.....memo

     No, you don't. You need to focus on the hot new employee at your job and just don't want to be dragging "baggage" (i.e. your current flame) to work functions. Tell ya what, if the grass is really greener then I'll do a naked lap of downtown at noon on the first snow-day of the year in 5" stilettos and my best diamonds.


Breakup Line #5. "I just don't see you in my future"

     You don't want me in your future cause if you did, you wouldn't say a dumb thing like that line I just heard. You have no idea what your future holds but that's ok. I know mine will be filled with love from someone who cares and wants to be there- good times and bad. Peace!!!!

Breakup Line #6. "I met someone else"

     Probably true, and he/she also probably doesn't know that you're currently in a relationship. Or that you're even alive for that matter. No worries, give me his/her address. I'd be happy to send your next load of dirty laundry over there for him/her to take care of. Nothing says "lets date!" like skid marks.

Breakup Line #7. "....silence..."

    The GRA was hungry for another coward. Whew! Trust me, though...it was for the best.


Breakup Line #8. "You just want this more than I do."

     You're absolutely right. I want to be with you. You don't want to be with me. At all. This is close to being honest, but not quite.