SSB Part II

SSB PART II

     When we meet a guy, our behavior instantly changes. Whether we like to admit it or not, it does. Whether we’re dreaming about monogrammed towels or simply planning for date number 3 with the FB (typically known as the ‘sex date’). But until we meet said FB, we are just our SS.

     As previously mentioned, many guys have some particularly scary SSB. My research for the traits I mentioned has been thorough- mostly coming from former FBs, PH’s, SB’s, and finally my current roommates. (Bless their hearts). Gents, I by no means, do not think that women are incapable demonstrate behavior that it just as disturbing. I have seen girls’ apartments that would even make a homeless man’s skin crawl. Let’s face it- not everyone learned proper toilet scrubbing techniques. But a girl’s SSB is probably more quirky and comical, where a guy’s SSB is more of a health department case.

Girl SSB includes:

- eating while standing up, usually over the kitchen sink or on the small space of counter nearby.

- eating ice cream directly from the pint. Ok. Tub. Eating it from the tub.

- making funny little snacks like this: 5 unsalted crackers, each topped with a small amount of peanut butter, then chocolate chips. Microwave for 10 second then eat. Pairs great with ice cold moo-juice.

- eating Chinese takeout while lying in bed…on a Friday night.
- having drinks with another FSG on a Friday night...via Skype.

- devoting every Sunday morning to a full on field day of your apartment. A pot of coffee, Britney Spears on full blast, and rubber gloves…yay!

- singing in the shower

- not shaving your legs more than 2x/week.

- wearing granny-panties at random

- watching sad girly movies that you know will make you cry

- excessive shoe shopping

- going out with your other FSG’s disguised as DGs just for an ego boost

- cheesy romance novels

- weekly spa-pedicures

- only ordering pizza when you know the adorable pizza guy will be delivering

- singing at the top of your lungs in the car

- wearing big sunglasses.

- 3 hour lunches on weekends that often result in extreme intoxication, fueling you into a blur of a Saturday night. (WARNING: may lead to DS with an ONS)

- window shopping on a Saturday afternoon. For 3 hours.

- staying in your PJs all day.

- buying yourself flowers to brighten up the apartment.

- having dinner parties just so you can cook a full meal without the guilt of knowing you won’t eat the leftovers. Hungry guests=no leftovers PLUS they bring great booze.

- looking at facebook pages of old boyfriends in the hopes that they’re fat or dating someone fat and ugly.

- rearranging furniture

- redecorating. For the 3^rd time this year.

- talking yourself into a home improvement project like painting a wall in the apartment, or retiling the bathroom floor. Then realizing you probably shouldn’t. And you can’t.

- re-reading love letters from old FB’s and [hopefully] laughing.

- 2 hour phone-dates with other FSG’s

- Wine Nights at your apartment with your FSG’s.

- slathering thick lotion on your hands and sleeping with socks on them.

- Going out with your FSG’s with just enough $ for a cab home. Mission? Drink free all night. It’s bad, but we do it. Deal with it.

- staying home on a Friday for Saturday night simply to have quiet snuggle time with your pets.

- never closing the bathroom door
- "re-gifting" an unwanted gift to a former FSG, who has committed the cardinal sin of forsaking her FSGs for her new FB.

- air drying after a shower

- checking every nook and cranny when returning home to an empty apartment and before locking up at night. There are crazy people in the world and they’re not welcome in my home.

- baking every recipe on the back of a ‘Bisquik’ box in one day.

- yoga in the living room

- making chocolate chip cookies only so you can eat the dough

….and realizing by the time you finish this list that you really need to get out there and meet some new people. Or is that just me? Redecorating is expensive, alcohol wears out your liver, and cookie dough will make you fat no matter how much yoga you do.

                       

Moo

During my time overseas, the only good thing to eat on a regular basis was cake. This lead to creating what I like to call "The Fatty List". I really don't need to explain this...at least I hope not.

1.1. …You love cake

2.2 …You have a whole plate of spaghetti and a huge piece of cake and you get called out on the blow pop in your pocket.

3.3. …You’re licking the icing off the plate from your SECOND piece of cake after lunch.

4.4. …You eat a light lunch JUST TO SAVE room for dessert.

5.5. …Fatties brag about the candy they scarfed down for breakfast..

6.6. …Fatties utilize the pockets in their shirts to hold ice cream cups.

7.7. …Fatties greet other fatties with a cheerful “Moo”…usually because they’re on a sugar buzz.

8.8. …You bend the bar for the swing on the playground.

9.9. …you can be heard coming to meet another fatty before she sees you.

10.10. …you have a whole drawer in your desk solely devoted to snacks.

11.11. …you bring a fellow fatty a delicious Starbucks beverage only to realize they’ve already gotten themselves one. Silly you- fatties think alike!

12.12. …You steal cake from a cook walking through the pway with an uncovered Halloween cake. Silly CS3 Furst- didn’t he know he was in Fattyville? Uncovered yummy treats WILL be requisitioned!

13.13. …You almost choke on an MnM that goes down your throat as you dump an entire snack-sized bag of MnM’s in your mouth.

14.14. …you’re busted for inhaling too many MnM’s not because of your chocolate breath, but because your tongue and lips have turned a different color.

15.15. …you know that life is infinitely better with a sugar buzz.

16.16. …the circles at the top of this slide make you want MnM’s.

17.17. …you eat TWO pieces of your own birthday cake because it’s just that good!

18.18. ….mid chicken nugget you see a cookie that you have been craving and suddenly the nugget is no longer needed….or remembered.

19.19. ...you sit down in your chair first thing in the morning only to find the torn off corner of an MnM bag from the day before…or was it two days before?

20.20. …when you use the reference “throwing in the spoon” instead of “throwing in the towel” at Marble Slab when the HUGE ice cream you ordered completely kicks your ass. 

21. …the waitress at the Japanese restaurant gives you a judgmental look when you give her your order then ask to keep the menu in case you want one more order of sushi.

22. …you get so excited at the sight of a Krispy Kreme that you almost crawl out of the window of the cab at the next stoplight.

23. …you invent the “little fat girl dance” and perform it as you excitedly bounce through the door of the Marble Slab.

24. …you have morning moo-hair, also known as a cowlick.

25. …you’re scarfing down a delicious cookie from the Wardroom as ‘breakfast’ and starting to feel guilty about the less-than-healthy choice, when you spot a sailor across the mess decks standing near the ice cream machines while scarfing down a 3 Musketeers bar with the same excited-yet-feeling-slightly-guilty look on his face that you have. Who cares that it’s 0840? We all know that life is better with a sugar buzz J

26. …you celebrate great news with fellow fatties by announcing “Celebratory MnM’s for ALL!!!” as you whip out your huge variety bag of snack-sized MnM bags!!!!

27. …you select the Oreos closest to the bottom of the vending machine because it’s less likely that they’ll break once they fall down for you to enjoy.

28. …you find a way to include “moo” into your daily lingo.

29. …making someone else’s birthday cake is going to benefit yourself more than the birthday boy.

30. …you cause ‘dessert envy’ among fellow shipmates due to the enormous brownie you scored from the Galley that you’ve now added to the ‘cookies and cream’ ice cream that was put out at dinner.

31. …you invite yourself to someone else’s reenlistment and swear to know them just to get some of their yummy cake!

32. …you can now be deemed a “reenlistment crasher” J

33. …stealing chocolate from people is no longer a game; it’s a mission.

34. …you realize that Ney Inspectors deserve cake, which means the crew will get cake, which means YOU will get cake. YAY! On the mess decks you find an enormous cake and excitedly moo to a fellow fatty about this cake- first by email, then by phone from the mess decks. Then, after snapping some photos of this delicious looking cake you realize that you’re grazing about the cake is drawing attention. So you quickly dart back into your office to find out the exact time of the cake cutting so you can be ready and moo-ing J

35. …you have more pictures of cakes on your phone than you do of people, let alone your own husband. HA!

36. …the word “MOO” suddenly replaces any adjectives related to fooooood.

37. …you can “name that chocolate” by description of the package.

38. …you unknowingly write “moo” on notes to other people, and a fellow fatty busts you! Ha!

39. …the highlight of your day is sending and receiving pictures of fat people…fatter than you!

40. …you are thirsty from the Monster Express you downed during the snoozer of a RAS brief. So you brave the “gorilla’s ass smell” radiating from the ice cream room and head in there in search of bottled water. As you fling open the refer door, eyes stinging, there you see it. Not the delicious chilled water you were looking for. No no, you found that. You see the boxes of candy bars and tubs of ice cream. Before you die from the smell, you quickly grab a Kit Kat with your water and dart out of the room. After all, you deserve a treat for braving that smell! 41. …LCDR’s drop off entire boxes of s’more flavored poptarts in your office and then just leave. No explanation- just generous donation J

42. …“It tastes like cake?? I like cake”

43. …Fatties trip on knee knockers on the way to PT…fail!

44. …Fatties have a pastry in line while dishing up their dinner…

45. …True Fatties wish they hadn’t eaten that snickers for breakfast and instead saved it for dessert…oh well, I’ll go get another one!

46. …Fatties have to police themselves to eat all their food when they know all they really want is that chocolate cake at the end….MMMM  CAAAKE!

47. ..Fatties hit up starbucks within an hour of a workout…and then salivate at the kit kat bar CS1 McDavis is eating.

48. …Fatties get called out at zone inspection

49. …Fatties would rather nap then workout.

50. …Fatties use candy stores as landmarks to navigate shopping malls.

51. …Old fatties reminisce about eating play-doh

52. …Fatties think that play-doh looks like cake frosting…mmmm…caaaakke!

53. …My chocolate lip gloss and peppermint gum tastes like my favorite Girl Scout cookie…without the fat. Fatties take precaution.

54. …Fatties have ESP, wanting to bring each other Starbucks drinks, but then realize that the other Fattie has already acquired a delicious fattening cup of liquid heaven.

55. …Fat Kids are startled by the thought of working out while indulging in ice cream.

56. …This fatty can’t wait to see my 1 year anniversary to eat the rest of my wedding cake….MMM CAKE!

57. …The Fattest Fatties know that with a simple switch of 2 letters “good afternoon” becomes “Good ‘Fat’ernoon”!

58. …Sweet tooth Fatties don’t care if the Reese’s Cup is melted. All they really want is the peanut butter.

59. …Fatties must QA all desserts for the Wardroom…

60. …Sometimes Fatties test out their lazy fatty skills and send a “Go-fer” to the wardroom to get them ice cream during meal hours. Only to find that another fellow fatty was eating dinner….what a surprise.

 

61. …Fatties find Reeses Cup wrappers stuck to their PT towels as they pull one out on their way to PT. =D

62. …Normal people flaunt their shiny new cars and diamond rings…Fatties flaunt a big bag of the latest Pretzel M&M’s

63. …Fatties watch college football, cheer loudly, and have a celebratory Kit Kat when their team wins- because the wrapper is a team color, and because they want chocolate

64. …Unfortunately Sweet tooth fatties will do anything for a sugar fix; even mix up some Blue Raspberry Hydroxycut in a bottle. I know it TOTALLY goes against what we believe in; but I needed some sugar.

65. …Fatties think of other fatties instantly when they see the Re-Enlistment cake for the month.

66. …“I don’t see anyone” – “Don’t worry, you will hear her before you see her” LMAO!! Fatty!!!!

67. …you send Moo messages via man toy.

68. …you say things like, “blueberry muffins…Better than blueberry pancakes”

69. …you lick the top of a cake just because someone else wanted it.

70. …you skip over to the dessert table with a fork in hand already.

71. …you finish half your cake before you even dish up your dinner J

72. …you give a shout out to a CS for baking delicious cakes BEFORE you compliment her shoes, while you’re hosting TRUMAN Idol.

73. …another fatty catches you chewing gum in formation while you’re waiting to get your ESWS pin because the pinning ceremony occurred when you should have been feeding, however, you must ignore those pangs of hunger and focus on the task at hand.

74. …your Boat Husband brings you a stuffed cow because he knows how much you like them and they remind you of your fellow Moo friends.

75. …you are looking at pictures of your friend’s wedding from last year and realize there’s more pictures of the food and the name of the restaurant than of the bride and groom.

76. …your lunch partners are based solely on who is going the soonest.

77. …you happily devour two desserts at Thanksgiving dinner without batting an eyelash.

78. …you fight about who will be baking the dessert at your family’s “Little Christmas” dinner. Of course YOU will make the dessert!!! You’re the resident expert on the perfect moistness of a cake, and the creaminess of frosting. Silly Grandma and her thoughts that she would make dessert!

79. …you keep asking a fellow Fatty when her re-enlistment is. It’s been too long since you’ve had a delicious piece of Re-Enlistment cake and that problem MUST be solved ASAP!!!!!

80. …You are 2 months away from your own promotion and are already planning out the menu for your little reception.

81. …You put the Fit Boss in charge of getting you a piece of cake because you’re far too busy to stand in line. As you come back into the office, he is there inhaling his cake and there’s none for you. So you just walk over, and start eating the icing he’s ignoring. Finally he gives up and hands you the last bite of the cake and the rest of the icing. Fit Boss 0 – Fatty 1 J

82. …you check the Green Sheet, not for the day’s schedule, but for the exact time of cake cutting. Then you email your fellow Fatties and click “High Importance” on the email before sending it. Of course it’s important. Cake is a priority. Always.

83. …your breakfast consists of noodles in a cup and then gets interrupted by a delicious looking doughnut. Lunch is a bag of chips 3 chocolate chip cookies and dinner is in an hour…hmmm I wonder what is for dinner.

 

3 Days Before Christmas

My first hour back in the United States was glorious. After spending over 1/2 a year overseas, I learned to appreciate the smaller, more simple things about life. For example- 3 ply toilet paper, orange juice at any moment in the day, Dunkin Donuts coffee, alcohol, something other-than-chicken for every meal...you get my jist. I was excited beyond words as I walked down the brow in a complete daze, leaving the ship far behind me. Had there not been a crowd of hundreds of families, plus several news cameras, I probably would have done a little dance mixed in with obscene hand gestures. However, I maintained my bearing and simply walked down the pier towards the parking lot. As I walked, all these people were smiling, crying, wildly waving their marker and glitter covered posters, waving little American flags, and shouting "thank you!" and "welcome home!" It was surreal. At some point before I got to the end of the pier, I started to have an out of body experience. I turned and looked up at the ship, my home for last year, and felt like I was doing something wrong by leaving. however...since my 'give-a-shit' fell overboard back in May, I just kept walking. That brief flash of guilt was washed away knowing I would be in my cozy apartment in less than an hour.
What I was not ready for was the stellar event that was coming at me- my first trip to McDonalds since April. Ok, let's rephrase that. I was ready- but McDonalds was not. After discovering that my phone would call anyone OTHER than my ride home, I borrowed a phone and told him to meet me at McDonalds. I cheerfully repositioned my belongings and began my victory march toward those golden arches. Through the parkinglot I strode, briskly weaving in between cars, beaming my plastered-on-smile. As I walked up the steps, I could almost smell the coffee and taste the biscuits. I went in, dropped my things, and got in line. Much to my horror, the cashier flipped the menu and announced that breakfast was over. No juice, no buttery biscuits with eggs and cheese, no hashbrowns in a grease soaked wrapper. Suffice to say, I was crushed. Quickly, I thought that I'd be ok with a burger, fries, and coke. At least it wasn't chicken. Another line opened up, and I stepped over to place my order for a high-calorie-yet-much-missed-American staple meal. Unfortunately an older, round couple made it to the counter first. Yes, they were round and clearly fast food was a staple of their large existence. No big deal, or so I thought. My dreams of a quick snack while waiting were slowly destroyed as the woman placed an order for at least 10 meals, all with specific instructions that resembled Meg Ryan's character out of "When Harry Met Sally". During that time, as my rage built up, I realized that McDonalds was out of soda and only had blue powerade and water to drink. Blue powerade will never enter my body again. Not after a 12 week diet of it at one point in my life. This was it. Before I screamed at the woman and ordered her into the galley to make the fucking food herself, I walked away. I had to. My rage was about to spill over and she would be the lucky recipient of a bountiful helping. I gave up and just stifled my hunger induced rage to go sit down and wait for the roommate. We will now refer to him as RM. Finally he showed up and the one thing that salvaged my day was not the sight of someone familiar, it was driving his brand spanking new Mercedes complete with seat heaters all the way home.
Yay America!