"...that bwessed awangment."

“Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.” Yes yes, The Princess Bride is hilarious. Now onto more serious matters.

So handsome!

When I was in college, almost every senior in my sorority was engaged by the time she donned her cap and gown.  The saying was “You come to college to find your husband, you join your sorority to find your bridesmaids.” Gag me, right? Yeah that’s what I thought too.  Wedding after wedding, chicken dance after electric slide, I thought for sure my turn would be coming in a few years.  After all, the college boyfriend and I were “that couple” and everyone was certain we were headed towards matrimonial bliss.  Then reality and fate stepped in and I ninja-bitch-kicked that twerp to the curb. THANK GOODNESS! Fortunately for this princess many years of frogs were ahead of me. Yuck!  Meanwhile, I attended many weddings, watching all my girlfriends marry their Mr. Right and soon after, begin producing perfect little tiny people.  So after about age 25 I sort of just hung up the whole idea that I was going to get to join the club of wedded bliss.  For real.  Call it [and me] bitter, I prefer “realistic”.  I thought if I really met the right person, we’d just do something small and simple. NBD. My family is small… so it’d be easy to plan. Hahahaha! That notion it hilarious to me now. 

Why is that funny, you wonder? Well, if you haven’t met my fiancé then it wouldn’t make sense. He and his family do nothing in moderation.  [Perfect example: We opened presents on Christmas Day…all day. Until dinner. Seriously.] So once we got engaged, and reality set in I realized my idea of something simple and small was lost in the dust. Big time.

Sneaky boyfriend...the ring was in his shirt pocket!!!

To clarify, the act of getting engaged is awesome.  Words don’t do justice to how it felt seeing the man of my dreams on one knee, blinding me with a diamond ring, in the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I was so stunned that instead of crying like most girls do [or say that they do] I just sorta of dropped my jaw in disbelief and kept saying “Oh my God this is really happening. Oh my God. Oh my God….” Sneaky boyfriend! Unfortunately for most couples, the amount of stress and pressure that soon after follows is more like a nightmare [sorry, babe] that doesn’t seem like it’ll end until after the last “Thank You” note is mailed off. 

So let’s just put this out there…the ugly truth, if you will. Being engaged is not the dream that every girl envisions. Seriously, there should be a manual issued to every gal over 21 breaking down all the unfortunate truths of being an adult not living the life we see on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. [hmm… maybe this manual idea will become another solid post that my buddy Rob will enjoy.]  Weddings cost money, no matter how big or small you want it and as every bride discovers- http://www.theknot.com/ is bursting with vendors ready to rape you for every penny you’re willing to spend, and millions of ideas that most of us non-billionaires can’t afford.  [The better websites for my fabulous gals on a budget? http://www.pinterest.com/ and http://www.etsy.com/ .] 

In addition to feeling like a terrible Bride because you can’t afford a bag of personalized M&M’s or with your initials and date, everyone (family and/or wedding party) has an opinion.  Where to have it. Who to invite. What to wear. What to eat. Which church…the list goes on. RAWR! Help is welcome.  Negativity is not. It makes me a cranky-pants-Bride and then my MOH has to regulate!

Lucky for B and I, we’re footing the bill so what we say goes. Period. <insert ‘plan laugh’ >

The thing that has actually disappoints me most is not that I don’t have $50,000 to spare or that my family has been less than enthusiastic about my wedding, it’s actually the “marriage advice” that I get from RUDE people.  Most of the time, I appreciate a little wisdom from the other officers in my Wardroom or people that I know. But we have a lot of jackasses around…and these crusty old farts really should just keep it moving. Instead of the usual sweet stuff you hear like “Never go to bed angry”, “Always kiss me goodnight”, these jerk faces say things like:

“Hope you got a pre-nup!”

“So you’re really getting married, huh?”

“Wait, you’re getting married to another service member? And you’re both active duty? HA! Good luck!”

“Just wait until you have kids…then your life is over.”

“So, still getting married?”

“Don’t get fat, cut your hair, or stop putting out.”

“Why are you getting married? You’re life is over- your husband isn’t going to let you go out and do anything.”

“Hm. Guess you weren’t planning on staying in the Navy. Wait, you are? Why? Get out and just stay home and have children.”

Seriously.

For the record, I am not interested in the fact that you’ve gone years in your marriage with no sex and you weren’t even deployed. Or that you and your spouse had a ton of kids way too early in your marriage and lost the romance that brought ya’ll together. Or that your wife just won’t put out; and that your kids are brats.  Hell, if I was your wife I wouldn’t either since you have a nasty attitude like that. Maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror there, pops. It takes two, ya know?! Geez, if you’re that unhappy do what every other middle aged fat ass man having a midlife crisis in America does. Divorce your wife, buy a sports car, get a dumb haircut, a fake tan, and a 22 year old bimbo girlfriend.

I smile and laugh and tell them they’re being silly, but they just look at me like I’m a moron and have no idea what I’m getting myself into. It’s in those moments I wish I’d been just as rude back to them.  I’m about one more negative comment away from invoking my mother’s statement of “If you’ve nothing kind to say to me keep it to yourself.”

…NOT WELCOME HERE!

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. How could I? I’ve never been married before and honestly no one really knows what the hell they’re doing when they say “I do”… but the few important things I do know is that I love him, we are committed each other and to our life together, and the rest is just details that will work themselves out one way or the other. And I’m always right J HA!

xoxo

Hollywood's Latest Craze: The-Child-Molester-Look

Jack Nicholson? Is that you?

Yesterday, I went to the hair salon for a touchup on my highlights. Life really is better as a blonde. (just FYI) My 1st favorite thing about getting my hair done is the commercial-esque hair flip I get to do as I waltz out of the salon at the end- looking and feeling fabulous. My 2nd favorite part about getting my hair done is sitting under the dryer in the massaging chair, and flipping through trashy magazines. Yay! Hollywood gossip always makes me feel better about myself, my fashion choices, and my life overall. So as I flipped through the stack of trash that my stylist handed me something horrible was staring back at me from the cover of People. It was Charlie Sheen. Looking like this. 

Sparrow? Where are your feathers?

Could it get worse? Yes. Then I saw Johnny Depp looking like this.

I don't know what's worse. The clown-paid shirt or the gold chain.

Then I realized that the older men of Hollywood are actually trying to look cool by donning accessories that look like they came from a costume box at a cheap theater. Why? Patricia Fields wouldn't even do this. And the younger men are shying away from the creepy tinted glasses and instead are adding scarves, trendy readers, or ACTUAL sunglasses to this stupid look. Seriously?

                                                                       NEWS FLASH
                                Unless you're wearing a nice 3-piece suit, do not wear a hat. Ever.

You will look stupid...and like you forgot to finish getting dressed. Also, tinted glasses are creepy (not trendy) and intended for little Asian men who do nails or sell 'antiques'.The only man who could ever pull this off is Cary Grant. Period. Baseball caps are occasionally ok, just not inside restaurants that don't have girls in orange shorts and white knee socks.

And FSG's: unless The rain in Spain is falling mainly in the plain, please save hats for: the beach, costume parties, cold weather, and [of course] Horse Races.

"AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Families And Technology. Friend or Foe?

Big Hand? BIG fan :) LIKE!!!!!

     In the last few years, my parents have gotten rather technologically savvy. Dad texts me often and my mom can now shop online, and operate the webcam I sent her and Dad so we can talk via Skype. Sounds dreamy, right? Yes and no. Yes because I love the effort the parentals are putting towards maintaining our close relationship. But no because only a 13 year old "gurl" could decipher my Dad's text messages. He fails to realize that if I'm taking the time to spell out all my sentences like a big girl, then I'd appreciate the same clarity from him. As for Mom, she's even on Facebook. Crazy!

     The comedy starts when my 82 year old grandmother calls me on Skype. She sits too far away from the computer screen AND her camera so most of the time we're communicating via webcam, I'm telling her to lean back so I can see more than just her face at the bottom left corner of the screen...and to turn down the volume (hers and/or the camera). Yelling won't make me hear her better. It will garble the sound and I will hear even less of what she's trying to say. And sometimes she reminds me of President Truman because her classes catch the glare from the window behind the screen and I can't actually see her eyeballs. Bless her heart.

No, these are not my actual parents

     My parents on Skype is Mom-N-Dad's Comedy hour. They pick on each other, poke each other, sometimes Dad tries to feel up Mom, but then he winds up so fascinated by his own image on camera that he starts making faces.... as if Mom and I can't see him doing it.  Meanwhile I'm telling them about what's new with me or we're talking about something or I'm waving the cats' paws at them before they leap out of my arms. It's quite a sight to observe.

Conclusion: My family + technology = FRIEND!

ROFL!...G2G. Kthxbye!

Questions NEVER To Ask In Front of a Wing-Man

While socializing with your co-workers outside the office, there are certain questions you should never ever ask or topics you should never approach. Ever.

1.Are you fertile?
2. This isn't the same guy/girl you brought last time.
3. Are you pregnant?
4. Does your hair always look like that?
5. So, is this your boyfriend/girlfriend?
6. What bar did you meet ____ in?
7. Did you ever get rid of that rash?
8. How's AA going?
9. Why did your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend leave you?
10. Why don't you have a date?
11. Are you gay?

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments

Phish Food or Cherry Garcia?

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments: (verb, noun): Attending a mandatory-fun event with your boss and colleagues...without a date. This results in spending an entire afternoon or evening watching other people with their dates have fun, dance, and get drunk. In the mean time, you sit quietly and plaster on a smile and drink your way to the bottom of the closest bottle.

Things A Girl NEVER Wants To Hear from a Nail Tech

Being a girlie girl, maintaining my nails and toes is imperative. I love to have my little tootsies scrubbed and polished every few weeks. For that 1 hour, I can relax in a massaging chair and the toughest decision I make is "wha cola i wan". Recently, I had the pleasure of enjoying a little self pampering in my new neighborhood. Nervous to try a new nail salon, I decided to braved a Mall Salon. This saved me a 30 minute drive to the little suite I frequented bi-monthly in my last neighborhood. By the time I left, I felt like I needed to go scrub my entire body with clorox bleach just to remove the filth I felt. Ironically enough, it wasn't from unclean tools or a dirty salon. It was from the nail tech.

I opted for a new set of french tips on my digits, and postponed a pedicure until I observed how this new-to-me salon operated. Smartest decision ever. A chubby little Asian man who called himself 'Mike' sat down and asked how he could help me. Apparently, patiently sitting at his manicure station didn't make it obvious enough that I was there for a nail treatment. Did he think I got lost on the way to Starbucks or something? I politely explained I was in need of a new set, as most of my acrylics were on their last dying hope of staying attached to my fingernails. Then I clarified exactly how I wanted the new set to look and shape I preferred my nails to be filed into. At this point he should have known I was a serious gal when it comes to a well groomed hand on a lady. Instead, he commented that perhaps I'd like them filed into points so I could really scratch up my boyfriend during sex... Yep. He actually said that.

Me luv u long time

I changed the subject immediately and asked if he'd seen any good movies lately. Perhaps affording him another opportunity to NOT taste his own feet. The effort was pointless. The topic of animals came up and I asked him if he liked cats. He said "No. I hate them and kick them when they come near me. But I do love p****." He was serious. The discomfort level was rising higher than the 4" wedge sandals I had on. Then he commented on how much he loves spring because women dress sexier, showing more skin and he loves to look. Sitting there in my brand new, flowery strapless sundress suddenly left me feeling like I was in my underwear. God knows what he was imagining me [not] wearing as he worked on my nails.

Again, I changed the subject. "Do you have a family?" He answered "Yes". When I asked how many children he had, he said he didn't know and that none of them lived with him. They were with his grandparents and they don't miss him because they don't like him. Shocker! By this time he was finishing up and my nails looked FANTASTIC! As I was paying him, and he actually had the nerve to write his personal # on a business card from the counter and hand it to me. Really, dude? You just met me and used the "P-word", you actually kick cats, and don't seem to know [or want to admit] how many children you have. If it was up to us to repopulate the earth, the human species would die with me because I'd use my "claws" you so-carefully-filed to rip you to pieces. That way I could die alone. NOT covered in shame and disgust.


Serious Note: This nail salon is located at the McArthur Center in downtown Norfolk. There are two of them there. NEVER go to either. Ever.

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...

Moo

During my time overseas, the only good thing to eat on a regular basis was cake. This lead to creating what I like to call "The Fatty List". I really don't need to explain this...at least I hope not.

1.1. …You love cake

2.2 …You have a whole plate of spaghetti and a huge piece of cake and you get called out on the blow pop in your pocket.

3.3. …You’re licking the icing off the plate from your SECOND piece of cake after lunch.

4.4. …You eat a light lunch JUST TO SAVE room for dessert.

5.5. …Fatties brag about the candy they scarfed down for breakfast..

6.6. …Fatties utilize the pockets in their shirts to hold ice cream cups.

7.7. …Fatties greet other fatties with a cheerful “Moo”…usually because they’re on a sugar buzz.

8.8. …You bend the bar for the swing on the playground.

9.9. …you can be heard coming to meet another fatty before she sees you.

10.10. …you have a whole drawer in your desk solely devoted to snacks.

11.11. …you bring a fellow fatty a delicious Starbucks beverage only to realize they’ve already gotten themselves one. Silly you- fatties think alike!

12.12. …You steal cake from a cook walking through the pway with an uncovered Halloween cake. Silly CS3 Furst- didn’t he know he was in Fattyville? Uncovered yummy treats WILL be requisitioned!

13.13. …You almost choke on an MnM that goes down your throat as you dump an entire snack-sized bag of MnM’s in your mouth.

14.14. …you’re busted for inhaling too many MnM’s not because of your chocolate breath, but because your tongue and lips have turned a different color.

15.15. …you know that life is infinitely better with a sugar buzz.

16.16. …the circles at the top of this slide make you want MnM’s.

17.17. …you eat TWO pieces of your own birthday cake because it’s just that good!

18.18. ….mid chicken nugget you see a cookie that you have been craving and suddenly the nugget is no longer needed….or remembered.

19.19. ...you sit down in your chair first thing in the morning only to find the torn off corner of an MnM bag from the day before…or was it two days before?

20.20. …when you use the reference “throwing in the spoon” instead of “throwing in the towel” at Marble Slab when the HUGE ice cream you ordered completely kicks your ass. 

21. …the waitress at the Japanese restaurant gives you a judgmental look when you give her your order then ask to keep the menu in case you want one more order of sushi.

22. …you get so excited at the sight of a Krispy Kreme that you almost crawl out of the window of the cab at the next stoplight.

23. …you invent the “little fat girl dance” and perform it as you excitedly bounce through the door of the Marble Slab.

24. …you have morning moo-hair, also known as a cowlick.

25. …you’re scarfing down a delicious cookie from the Wardroom as ‘breakfast’ and starting to feel guilty about the less-than-healthy choice, when you spot a sailor across the mess decks standing near the ice cream machines while scarfing down a 3 Musketeers bar with the same excited-yet-feeling-slightly-guilty look on his face that you have. Who cares that it’s 0840? We all know that life is better with a sugar buzz J

26. …you celebrate great news with fellow fatties by announcing “Celebratory MnM’s for ALL!!!” as you whip out your huge variety bag of snack-sized MnM bags!!!!

27. …you select the Oreos closest to the bottom of the vending machine because it’s less likely that they’ll break once they fall down for you to enjoy.

28. …you find a way to include “moo” into your daily lingo.

29. …making someone else’s birthday cake is going to benefit yourself more than the birthday boy.

30. …you cause ‘dessert envy’ among fellow shipmates due to the enormous brownie you scored from the Galley that you’ve now added to the ‘cookies and cream’ ice cream that was put out at dinner.

31. …you invite yourself to someone else’s reenlistment and swear to know them just to get some of their yummy cake!

32. …you can now be deemed a “reenlistment crasher” J

33. …stealing chocolate from people is no longer a game; it’s a mission.

34. …you realize that Ney Inspectors deserve cake, which means the crew will get cake, which means YOU will get cake. YAY! On the mess decks you find an enormous cake and excitedly moo to a fellow fatty about this cake- first by email, then by phone from the mess decks. Then, after snapping some photos of this delicious looking cake you realize that you’re grazing about the cake is drawing attention. So you quickly dart back into your office to find out the exact time of the cake cutting so you can be ready and moo-ing J

35. …you have more pictures of cakes on your phone than you do of people, let alone your own husband. HA!

36. …the word “MOO” suddenly replaces any adjectives related to fooooood.

37. …you can “name that chocolate” by description of the package.

38. …you unknowingly write “moo” on notes to other people, and a fellow fatty busts you! Ha!

39. …the highlight of your day is sending and receiving pictures of fat people…fatter than you!

40. …you are thirsty from the Monster Express you downed during the snoozer of a RAS brief. So you brave the “gorilla’s ass smell” radiating from the ice cream room and head in there in search of bottled water. As you fling open the refer door, eyes stinging, there you see it. Not the delicious chilled water you were looking for. No no, you found that. You see the boxes of candy bars and tubs of ice cream. Before you die from the smell, you quickly grab a Kit Kat with your water and dart out of the room. After all, you deserve a treat for braving that smell! 41. …LCDR’s drop off entire boxes of s’more flavored poptarts in your office and then just leave. No explanation- just generous donation J

42. …“It tastes like cake?? I like cake”

43. …Fatties trip on knee knockers on the way to PT…fail!

44. …Fatties have a pastry in line while dishing up their dinner…

45. …True Fatties wish they hadn’t eaten that snickers for breakfast and instead saved it for dessert…oh well, I’ll go get another one!

46. …Fatties have to police themselves to eat all their food when they know all they really want is that chocolate cake at the end….MMMM  CAAAKE!

47. ..Fatties hit up starbucks within an hour of a workout…and then salivate at the kit kat bar CS1 McDavis is eating.

48. …Fatties get called out at zone inspection

49. …Fatties would rather nap then workout.

50. …Fatties use candy stores as landmarks to navigate shopping malls.

51. …Old fatties reminisce about eating play-doh

52. …Fatties think that play-doh looks like cake frosting…mmmm…caaaakke!

53. …My chocolate lip gloss and peppermint gum tastes like my favorite Girl Scout cookie…without the fat. Fatties take precaution.

54. …Fatties have ESP, wanting to bring each other Starbucks drinks, but then realize that the other Fattie has already acquired a delicious fattening cup of liquid heaven.

55. …Fat Kids are startled by the thought of working out while indulging in ice cream.

56. …This fatty can’t wait to see my 1 year anniversary to eat the rest of my wedding cake….MMM CAKE!

57. …The Fattest Fatties know that with a simple switch of 2 letters “good afternoon” becomes “Good ‘Fat’ernoon”!

58. …Sweet tooth Fatties don’t care if the Reese’s Cup is melted. All they really want is the peanut butter.

59. …Fatties must QA all desserts for the Wardroom…

60. …Sometimes Fatties test out their lazy fatty skills and send a “Go-fer” to the wardroom to get them ice cream during meal hours. Only to find that another fellow fatty was eating dinner….what a surprise.

 

61. …Fatties find Reeses Cup wrappers stuck to their PT towels as they pull one out on their way to PT. =D

62. …Normal people flaunt their shiny new cars and diamond rings…Fatties flaunt a big bag of the latest Pretzel M&M’s

63. …Fatties watch college football, cheer loudly, and have a celebratory Kit Kat when their team wins- because the wrapper is a team color, and because they want chocolate

64. …Unfortunately Sweet tooth fatties will do anything for a sugar fix; even mix up some Blue Raspberry Hydroxycut in a bottle. I know it TOTALLY goes against what we believe in; but I needed some sugar.

65. …Fatties think of other fatties instantly when they see the Re-Enlistment cake for the month.

66. …“I don’t see anyone” – “Don’t worry, you will hear her before you see her” LMAO!! Fatty!!!!

67. …you send Moo messages via man toy.

68. …you say things like, “blueberry muffins…Better than blueberry pancakes”

69. …you lick the top of a cake just because someone else wanted it.

70. …you skip over to the dessert table with a fork in hand already.

71. …you finish half your cake before you even dish up your dinner J

72. …you give a shout out to a CS for baking delicious cakes BEFORE you compliment her shoes, while you’re hosting TRUMAN Idol.

73. …another fatty catches you chewing gum in formation while you’re waiting to get your ESWS pin because the pinning ceremony occurred when you should have been feeding, however, you must ignore those pangs of hunger and focus on the task at hand.

74. …your Boat Husband brings you a stuffed cow because he knows how much you like them and they remind you of your fellow Moo friends.

75. …you are looking at pictures of your friend’s wedding from last year and realize there’s more pictures of the food and the name of the restaurant than of the bride and groom.

76. …your lunch partners are based solely on who is going the soonest.

77. …you happily devour two desserts at Thanksgiving dinner without batting an eyelash.

78. …you fight about who will be baking the dessert at your family’s “Little Christmas” dinner. Of course YOU will make the dessert!!! You’re the resident expert on the perfect moistness of a cake, and the creaminess of frosting. Silly Grandma and her thoughts that she would make dessert!

79. …you keep asking a fellow Fatty when her re-enlistment is. It’s been too long since you’ve had a delicious piece of Re-Enlistment cake and that problem MUST be solved ASAP!!!!!

80. …You are 2 months away from your own promotion and are already planning out the menu for your little reception.

81. …You put the Fit Boss in charge of getting you a piece of cake because you’re far too busy to stand in line. As you come back into the office, he is there inhaling his cake and there’s none for you. So you just walk over, and start eating the icing he’s ignoring. Finally he gives up and hands you the last bite of the cake and the rest of the icing. Fit Boss 0 – Fatty 1 J

82. …you check the Green Sheet, not for the day’s schedule, but for the exact time of cake cutting. Then you email your fellow Fatties and click “High Importance” on the email before sending it. Of course it’s important. Cake is a priority. Always.

83. …your breakfast consists of noodles in a cup and then gets interrupted by a delicious looking doughnut. Lunch is a bag of chips 3 chocolate chip cookies and dinner is in an hour…hmmm I wonder what is for dinner.

 

Pictures. 1000 Words. Cliche. True.

Painted or drawn, an image sends endless messages as it hangs on a wall, sits in a frame, or glows on a web page or on my fantabulous iPhone. The favorite message that an image can send is one that reminds you of how much you've grown and changed for the better since the photo was taken. As I stumbled across a photo taken 3 and a half years ago I just sat in silence and stared. Even though it was just a picture of me, I just sat...and stared. The picture was me in a casino. It was the first time I'd had a weekend trip with a boyfriend. This boyfriend wound up having a wife. Being young, stupid and naive I believed him and fell for all the lies. Clearly, since it's been 4 years and I'm now 26 and living on my own- the relationship didn't quite work out the way we'd once hoped. It was so weird looking at me smiling back at the camera, smiling at the man behind it- believing I'd found the one, happy with a few cocktails in me, happy that I was done with school and ready to take the next step in my life...or so I thought. What made me happier was sitting on my bed in my apartment and just looking at the picture instead of living the life I would have had if I hadn't woken up and left the relationship.

     It's just so crazy that it's been 4 years since I thought I had it all figured out. 4 years since I made a plan. What the hell did I know at 22? I'll be 27 this year. But I think we all feel this way at one point. Maybe more than one point? After lots of caffeine which I love (See: 'You had me at espresso') I think theres a point in a few of my days throughout the week where I'm ready to take on the world after I run a marathon. But overall, at the end of the day as I lay my head down and review my day- I think of all the things I could have done, that I need to do tomorrow, and where I see things in my life taking me. When I was overseas, I'd wind almost each day down scrolling through photos of home before I closed my eyes. Those photos kept me going. There weren't any captions- just faces looking back at me. Some furry (kitties and doggy...sometimes Dad) and the rest just smiling and happy. 6000 miles away, I knew there were people that love me and missed me. And I knew that no matter how happy I'd been at one point in my life 4 years ago- I'm happier now. Guaranteed.