Advice to ME at 23

Saw this post idea on another blog today- and thought "WOW!" Of all the things I've learned in life, I think I have learned so much SINCE I was 23. If only I could know then what I know now... Everything before then was just a warm up. Hah!



Thirst Thursday...or any day ending in Y!



Dear 23 Year Old Me,

     Congratulations on graduating college and submitting your Navy OCS package. In 6 years, this will all make sense and you'll be better for what is about to happen to you. Dump the asshole you're dating. He's a jerk, a liar, and cheater. While he will divorce his wife, he will also knock her up. Run. Far. Away. Go out and have as much fun with your friends as you possibly can and don't worry about finding a boyfriend. Men at this age don't want to get married, and the ones who say they do are lying. You shouldn't want to either. You're ONLY 23 and have no idea how great your life is going to be in the next 5 years without a serious boyfriend or husband.

     Before you leave for OCS in September, you're going to get super sick in August and wind up quitting your job.  It's ok because your boss will try to fire you anyway due to some mis-information spread by a gossiping co-worker. Just a tip, don't make friends with ANYONE that works there. They all suck. When you get to OCS, you're going to make 2 really good friends. The rest of your class is a big bunch of assholes and will make your time in Newport a challenge. You will also meet a boy. You're going to fall for him, but he will break your heart. And breakup with you on a text message. It will make for great blog material later! I'll get to that soon.

     On a sad note, this will be your last birthday [your 24th] to celebrate with Grandpa because his time will come while you're living in Georgia next year. It's going to be ok because now you'll have a guardian angel! Norfolk will be great for you. The ship you go to is a good one and you'll make some great friends. You will also meet some assholes. A lot of them. Don't let that discourage you in your career and life in general. Especially when you decide to move to California to be with your boyfriend...that you will marry.

     Your wedding is not going to be in Vegas, or the courthouse- it will be in a Church, and planned by everyone but you. Just roll with it. Your friends and new family will have a great time and at the end of the day you will be married to a pretty awesome guy :) Oh, did I mention you won't be married until 28? (pause for reaction)  THAT'S FREAKING OK! I know right now that seems like a really long way a way, but seriously. When you're 28, you will completely understand how important your single years were for you to learn and just be your own woman and have fun!

     Oh, and you'll adopt 2 new fur children while living in Georgia- and they will even move with you all the way to California. Your Mom is gonna get really mad, but then she will meet them and try to steal them. Several times. Seriously they're gonna be super cute and they might even grow on Ben- your future Mr. :)

     You will seriously take up running, figure skating, and skiing. No, I'm not making this part up. And you'll be good at it! You will own a Mini Cooper when you move to California. Never heard of it? That's ok. You'll make some really good friends in California too- your coworkers will be WAY more fun.

     All in all, just go out and have a great time.  You have lots of greatness ahead of you :)

Love,
28 year old Me

    

DIY: Wine Glass Tags

Love this gal!

This weekend, one of my closest girlfriends finally showed off her fabulous condo. She closed on it a few months ago and ever since then has been diligently spending 90% of her free time making major renovations. With the help of her skilled dad, they knocked down a wall to expand her living room, gutted the kitchen and put up all new cabinets, backsplash, granite countertops, and tile floors, and have begun building a closet in her guest room.  Seriously- it's amazing! I don't have photos from the condo [yet], however I did give her a hand with party preps... one job was to figure out how folks were going to label their wine glasses. Like a crazy person, she bought enough glass stemware to imbibe the VonTrap family AND their offspring.  Personally, I'm a big fan of disposable cups and a sharpie. It makes for a fun throwback and is easy to cleanup. However, this wound up becoming an awesome project. So next time you host a bash and offer your guests legit glassware, follow these tips for some snazzy labeling. After all, if you guests want to swap germs let them do it on their own accord; not because their hostess was careless and didn't offer drink labels!

What you need:
- A package of card stock (color/pattern/texture variety is always a plus)
- A wine glass
- A dime
- Pencil/Pen
- Scissors
- Stamps or stickers
...and patience.

1. Trace the bottom of the wine glass onto your card stock as many times as you can.

2. Trace the shape of a dime in the center, or off-center inside your circles. It's the perfect size so the label isn't too tight or too loose around the stem of the glass.

3.  Start cutting out the circles.  Cut the big circles first, then start on the smaller circle in the middle.  This may take a while depending on how many you are making. (I made almost 40, so it took a good bit.)

4. Once, they are cut then you can get creative with your stamps or stickers. I just put fun, chic little designs on these, however you can really get creative to match the theme of your party.

5.  Include the date of the event on the back- this way you or [in this case] the hostess can keep one for memorabilia. (PS:  For my FSG's, this little accessory can also come in handy for phone number exchanges with another party guest.  Imagine having the wine glass label from the night you met your PMM... very sweet.)

6.  Once the ink is dry, cut a small slit near the inside circle so the label will pop right onto the stem of your glass.  Arrange these labels on the bar near your stemware with a few sharpies and voila!

Questions NEVER To Ask In Front of a Wing-Man

While socializing with your co-workers outside the office, there are certain questions you should never ever ask or topics you should never approach. Ever.

1.Are you fertile?
2. This isn't the same guy/girl you brought last time.
3. Are you pregnant?
4. Does your hair always look like that?
5. So, is this your boyfriend/girlfriend?
6. What bar did you meet ____ in?
7. Did you ever get rid of that rash?
8. How's AA going?
9. Why did your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend leave you?
10. Why don't you have a date?
11. Are you gay?

Pet Peeves

1. Being asked "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "How are you still single?" Seriously. It's annoying.
2. Bad manners.
3. Long hair on men. Unless you're Fabio, just don't do it.
4. Socks with sandals.
5. Constant tardiness.
6. People who wear the price tag on the outside of their clothes. Seriously? I don't give a sh** what you paid. You still look stupid.
7. "One Uppers". People that always have to top your latest story...yeah. They suck.
8. Fat children; Chubby is one thing- but obese and waddling around the playground? Shy of it being a medical condition, I think it's literally borderline child abuse. And it's sad.
9. Couples who claim they never fight.(see #13.)
10. Hot men with ugly women.
11. Hot women with ugly men.
12. Baby girls dressed in hideous poofy pink outfits. Taffeta skirts are NOT for girls under 3 or over 16.
13. Liars.
14. Cheaters.
15. Being rude to the wait staff at restaurants.
16. Phone calls from men after 10pm that are not expected or a dire emergency.
17. Girls who wear heels they can't walk in.
18. Guys who try too hard.
19. Being called "sweetie" by a waiter or waitress. "That one actually conjures up a little pang of anger anytime I even think about it."
20. Dumb Sluts (referred in posts as DS.)
21. Guys who act as though they're way cooler than me. Also known as "Bro's"
22. Name droppers. Usually those folks are guilty of #7.
23. Animal abuse. (This is not meant to be funny. I'm literally repulsed by it and those who do it.)
24. Getting ignored by female bartenders. (Bitchy attitude = NO TIP)
25. Bad customer service.
26. People who hate America.
27. People who hate the military.
28. Faith Fanatics (FF).
29. A dirty bathroom.
30. Women (or men) who apply makeup while driving. That's scarier than texting In My Fabulous Opinion (IMFO).

31. Panty Lines (PL's).
32. White shoes BEFORE Memorial Day and AFTER Labor Day. (Being southern- this is ESPECIALLY frustrating since 90% of women just completely dismiss this fact. They just think "Warm weather = white shoes". NO! )

SSB Part II

SSB PART II

     When we meet a guy, our behavior instantly changes. Whether we like to admit it or not, it does. Whether we’re dreaming about monogrammed towels or simply planning for date number 3 with the FB (typically known as the ‘sex date’). But until we meet said FB, we are just our SS.

     As previously mentioned, many guys have some particularly scary SSB. My research for the traits I mentioned has been thorough- mostly coming from former FBs, PH’s, SB’s, and finally my current roommates. (Bless their hearts). Gents, I by no means, do not think that women are incapable demonstrate behavior that it just as disturbing. I have seen girls’ apartments that would even make a homeless man’s skin crawl. Let’s face it- not everyone learned proper toilet scrubbing techniques. But a girl’s SSB is probably more quirky and comical, where a guy’s SSB is more of a health department case.

Girl SSB includes:

- eating while standing up, usually over the kitchen sink or on the small space of counter nearby.

- eating ice cream directly from the pint. Ok. Tub. Eating it from the tub.

- making funny little snacks like this: 5 unsalted crackers, each topped with a small amount of peanut butter, then chocolate chips. Microwave for 10 second then eat. Pairs great with ice cold moo-juice.

- eating Chinese takeout while lying in bed…on a Friday night.
- having drinks with another FSG on a Friday night...via Skype.

- devoting every Sunday morning to a full on field day of your apartment. A pot of coffee, Britney Spears on full blast, and rubber gloves…yay!

- singing in the shower

- not shaving your legs more than 2x/week.

- wearing granny-panties at random

- watching sad girly movies that you know will make you cry

- excessive shoe shopping

- going out with your other FSG’s disguised as DGs just for an ego boost

- cheesy romance novels

- weekly spa-pedicures

- only ordering pizza when you know the adorable pizza guy will be delivering

- singing at the top of your lungs in the car

- wearing big sunglasses.

- 3 hour lunches on weekends that often result in extreme intoxication, fueling you into a blur of a Saturday night. (WARNING: may lead to DS with an ONS)

- window shopping on a Saturday afternoon. For 3 hours.

- staying in your PJs all day.

- buying yourself flowers to brighten up the apartment.

- having dinner parties just so you can cook a full meal without the guilt of knowing you won’t eat the leftovers. Hungry guests=no leftovers PLUS they bring great booze.

- looking at facebook pages of old boyfriends in the hopes that they’re fat or dating someone fat and ugly.

- rearranging furniture

- redecorating. For the 3^rd time this year.

- talking yourself into a home improvement project like painting a wall in the apartment, or retiling the bathroom floor. Then realizing you probably shouldn’t. And you can’t.

- re-reading love letters from old FB’s and [hopefully] laughing.

- 2 hour phone-dates with other FSG’s

- Wine Nights at your apartment with your FSG’s.

- slathering thick lotion on your hands and sleeping with socks on them.

- Going out with your FSG’s with just enough $ for a cab home. Mission? Drink free all night. It’s bad, but we do it. Deal with it.

- staying home on a Friday for Saturday night simply to have quiet snuggle time with your pets.

- never closing the bathroom door
- "re-gifting" an unwanted gift to a former FSG, who has committed the cardinal sin of forsaking her FSGs for her new FB.

- air drying after a shower

- checking every nook and cranny when returning home to an empty apartment and before locking up at night. There are crazy people in the world and they’re not welcome in my home.

- baking every recipe on the back of a ‘Bisquik’ box in one day.

- yoga in the living room

- making chocolate chip cookies only so you can eat the dough

….and realizing by the time you finish this list that you really need to get out there and meet some new people. Or is that just me? Redecorating is expensive, alcohol wears out your liver, and cookie dough will make you fat no matter how much yoga you do.

                       

3 Days Before Christmas

My first hour back in the United States was glorious. After spending over 1/2 a year overseas, I learned to appreciate the smaller, more simple things about life. For example- 3 ply toilet paper, orange juice at any moment in the day, Dunkin Donuts coffee, alcohol, something other-than-chicken for every meal...you get my jist. I was excited beyond words as I walked down the brow in a complete daze, leaving the ship far behind me. Had there not been a crowd of hundreds of families, plus several news cameras, I probably would have done a little dance mixed in with obscene hand gestures. However, I maintained my bearing and simply walked down the pier towards the parking lot. As I walked, all these people were smiling, crying, wildly waving their marker and glitter covered posters, waving little American flags, and shouting "thank you!" and "welcome home!" It was surreal. At some point before I got to the end of the pier, I started to have an out of body experience. I turned and looked up at the ship, my home for last year, and felt like I was doing something wrong by leaving. however...since my 'give-a-shit' fell overboard back in May, I just kept walking. That brief flash of guilt was washed away knowing I would be in my cozy apartment in less than an hour.
What I was not ready for was the stellar event that was coming at me- my first trip to McDonalds since April. Ok, let's rephrase that. I was ready- but McDonalds was not. After discovering that my phone would call anyone OTHER than my ride home, I borrowed a phone and told him to meet me at McDonalds. I cheerfully repositioned my belongings and began my victory march toward those golden arches. Through the parkinglot I strode, briskly weaving in between cars, beaming my plastered-on-smile. As I walked up the steps, I could almost smell the coffee and taste the biscuits. I went in, dropped my things, and got in line. Much to my horror, the cashier flipped the menu and announced that breakfast was over. No juice, no buttery biscuits with eggs and cheese, no hashbrowns in a grease soaked wrapper. Suffice to say, I was crushed. Quickly, I thought that I'd be ok with a burger, fries, and coke. At least it wasn't chicken. Another line opened up, and I stepped over to place my order for a high-calorie-yet-much-missed-American staple meal. Unfortunately an older, round couple made it to the counter first. Yes, they were round and clearly fast food was a staple of their large existence. No big deal, or so I thought. My dreams of a quick snack while waiting were slowly destroyed as the woman placed an order for at least 10 meals, all with specific instructions that resembled Meg Ryan's character out of "When Harry Met Sally". During that time, as my rage built up, I realized that McDonalds was out of soda and only had blue powerade and water to drink. Blue powerade will never enter my body again. Not after a 12 week diet of it at one point in my life. This was it. Before I screamed at the woman and ordered her into the galley to make the fucking food herself, I walked away. I had to. My rage was about to spill over and she would be the lucky recipient of a bountiful helping. I gave up and just stifled my hunger induced rage to go sit down and wait for the roommate. We will now refer to him as RM. Finally he showed up and the one thing that salvaged my day was not the sight of someone familiar, it was driving his brand spanking new Mercedes complete with seat heaters all the way home.
Yay America!