Hollywood Tacky Wrap.

Lady Gaga, Nicki Manaj, and Ice-T's wife Coco (I'll refer to her as MIT- Mrs.Ice T)... those names conjure up a variety of images filled with color, shapes, and meat. Just roll 'em up for a "Hollywood Tacky Wrap". Similar to the Olsen twins reminding me of little girls playing dress up with Mommy's clothes, LG, NM, and MIT also remind me of girls playing dress up... in a Halloween-meets-Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory kind of world. Yep. I went there. But hey- when you show up in public wearing a dress made of sirloins and t-bones, you've asked for it!

First let's take a look at LG.

Shit. I can't see.

Cats are supposed to find the toy in everything. LG finds the "accessory" in everything. Hair into a bow. Bozo shades likely made of drink coasters from a frat house. Orange skin. A meat dress that could double as a dinner. Just come on down to Norfolk this August and lay down on a sidewalk. You'll be 'well done' in no time! Just don't do it in front of the SPCA building. It might cause some confusion among the newly adopted kittens and puppies on their way out the door. Constantly making a "Vogue" face? No no. That is probably just the confusion and horror you feel at looking the way you do. Personally I'd be thinking "Holy shit. I can't believe that I go in public like this, sing stupid songs, and still manage to make enough money to pay my bills!!!" And then the "egg" arrival. LG, you weren't 'born'. No ma'm. We could see you in there waving. Or where you gasping for air and flagging us for help? Either way, performing arts really takes on a whole new meaning here. PS- I'll take mine medium rare. Thanks!


Next up: NM.

Maybe she's color blind...looking at this, I wish I was.

Yes. All 4 images in that picture are the same woman. Hard to believe. I know. First, she squeezed into all the pantyhose left over from the female contestants on "Biggest Loser". Next, she tried to blend in with her bathroom wallpaper. Very stealth. After that, enter the jewelry box explosion. Her earrings stuck to the dress, and then bracelets were embedded into the hips of the dress. Guess there's no need to accessorize this outfit!!! and Last..um..well. Looks like you made a Lisa Frank folder into a dress, stole Barbie's shoes, and then put cotton candy on your head to 'top off' the outfit. Hey, if you get hungry at least your hair doubles as a snack.

Last one- MIT.

"My what are showing???"

Embarrassingly enough, I've sat through several episodes of "Ice Loves Coco". Mostly it was because I was too comfortable to get up and change the channel. The rest of the reason is what we'll now call "Train Wreck Syndrome"- the inability to look away from absurd behavior due to the extreme entertainment factor. MIT, your husband resembles your dog. You? You're not a bad looking lady. Truly. However let's talk about a few things. Painted on clothes, ENORMOUS fake boobs, orange skin, winged eyeliner, barbie pink lipstick, white hair that's way too long for a 30 year old, black eyebrows, and too much bronzer on top of already-orange skin? YUCK! And every day? Didn't you ever hear the trick of "less is more"? In your defense- you does have some pretty damn fabulous shoes and I love that you came out with a line of clothing for curvy girls. My ass and hips said to tell you "Thanks!"
My favorite Coco moment is when she couldn't decide if she wanted to be her sister's birth coach or not... Coco, dear. The fact that you didn't instantly say yes just shows how unbelievably self centered you are. She's your sister, you pumpkin-colored dummy! Don't ask questions, just be there. This isn't an earth shattering decision despite how you tried to pretend it was and then acted let down when your sister was like "cool, thanks." What did you want? Tears? Shaking, crying, and uncontrollable gratuity? Get over yourself! And p.s.- the baby will come out whether you're there or not. Double p.s.- Alcohol at a baby shower is tacky.

....Thanks, ladies. This HTW is 'Licious'!!!

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...