Advice to ME at 23

Saw this post idea on another blog today- and thought "WOW!" Of all the things I've learned in life, I think I have learned so much SINCE I was 23. If only I could know then what I know now... Everything before then was just a warm up. Hah!



Thirst Thursday...or any day ending in Y!



Dear 23 Year Old Me,

     Congratulations on graduating college and submitting your Navy OCS package. In 6 years, this will all make sense and you'll be better for what is about to happen to you. Dump the asshole you're dating. He's a jerk, a liar, and cheater. While he will divorce his wife, he will also knock her up. Run. Far. Away. Go out and have as much fun with your friends as you possibly can and don't worry about finding a boyfriend. Men at this age don't want to get married, and the ones who say they do are lying. You shouldn't want to either. You're ONLY 23 and have no idea how great your life is going to be in the next 5 years without a serious boyfriend or husband.

     Before you leave for OCS in September, you're going to get super sick in August and wind up quitting your job.  It's ok because your boss will try to fire you anyway due to some mis-information spread by a gossiping co-worker. Just a tip, don't make friends with ANYONE that works there. They all suck. When you get to OCS, you're going to make 2 really good friends. The rest of your class is a big bunch of assholes and will make your time in Newport a challenge. You will also meet a boy. You're going to fall for him, but he will break your heart. And breakup with you on a text message. It will make for great blog material later! I'll get to that soon.

     On a sad note, this will be your last birthday [your 24th] to celebrate with Grandpa because his time will come while you're living in Georgia next year. It's going to be ok because now you'll have a guardian angel! Norfolk will be great for you. The ship you go to is a good one and you'll make some great friends. You will also meet some assholes. A lot of them. Don't let that discourage you in your career and life in general. Especially when you decide to move to California to be with your boyfriend...that you will marry.

     Your wedding is not going to be in Vegas, or the courthouse- it will be in a Church, and planned by everyone but you. Just roll with it. Your friends and new family will have a great time and at the end of the day you will be married to a pretty awesome guy :) Oh, did I mention you won't be married until 28? (pause for reaction)  THAT'S FREAKING OK! I know right now that seems like a really long way a way, but seriously. When you're 28, you will completely understand how important your single years were for you to learn and just be your own woman and have fun!

     Oh, and you'll adopt 2 new fur children while living in Georgia- and they will even move with you all the way to California. Your Mom is gonna get really mad, but then she will meet them and try to steal them. Several times. Seriously they're gonna be super cute and they might even grow on Ben- your future Mr. :)

     You will seriously take up running, figure skating, and skiing. No, I'm not making this part up. And you'll be good at it! You will own a Mini Cooper when you move to California. Never heard of it? That's ok. You'll make some really good friends in California too- your coworkers will be WAY more fun.

     All in all, just go out and have a great time.  You have lots of greatness ahead of you :)

Love,
28 year old Me

    

Hollywood's Latest Craze: The-Child-Molester-Look

Jack Nicholson? Is that you?

Yesterday, I went to the hair salon for a touchup on my highlights. Life really is better as a blonde. (just FYI) My 1st favorite thing about getting my hair done is the commercial-esque hair flip I get to do as I waltz out of the salon at the end- looking and feeling fabulous. My 2nd favorite part about getting my hair done is sitting under the dryer in the massaging chair, and flipping through trashy magazines. Yay! Hollywood gossip always makes me feel better about myself, my fashion choices, and my life overall. So as I flipped through the stack of trash that my stylist handed me something horrible was staring back at me from the cover of People. It was Charlie Sheen. Looking like this. 

Sparrow? Where are your feathers?

Could it get worse? Yes. Then I saw Johnny Depp looking like this.

I don't know what's worse. The clown-paid shirt or the gold chain.

Then I realized that the older men of Hollywood are actually trying to look cool by donning accessories that look like they came from a costume box at a cheap theater. Why? Patricia Fields wouldn't even do this. And the younger men are shying away from the creepy tinted glasses and instead are adding scarves, trendy readers, or ACTUAL sunglasses to this stupid look. Seriously?

                                                                       NEWS FLASH
                                Unless you're wearing a nice 3-piece suit, do not wear a hat. Ever.

You will look stupid...and like you forgot to finish getting dressed. Also, tinted glasses are creepy (not trendy) and intended for little Asian men who do nails or sell 'antiques'.The only man who could ever pull this off is Cary Grant. Period. Baseball caps are occasionally ok, just not inside restaurants that don't have girls in orange shorts and white knee socks.

And FSG's: unless The rain in Spain is falling mainly in the plain, please save hats for: the beach, costume parties, cold weather, and [of course] Horse Races.

"AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Families And Technology. Friend or Foe?

Big Hand? BIG fan :) LIKE!!!!!

     In the last few years, my parents have gotten rather technologically savvy. Dad texts me often and my mom can now shop online, and operate the webcam I sent her and Dad so we can talk via Skype. Sounds dreamy, right? Yes and no. Yes because I love the effort the parentals are putting towards maintaining our close relationship. But no because only a 13 year old "gurl" could decipher my Dad's text messages. He fails to realize that if I'm taking the time to spell out all my sentences like a big girl, then I'd appreciate the same clarity from him. As for Mom, she's even on Facebook. Crazy!

     The comedy starts when my 82 year old grandmother calls me on Skype. She sits too far away from the computer screen AND her camera so most of the time we're communicating via webcam, I'm telling her to lean back so I can see more than just her face at the bottom left corner of the screen...and to turn down the volume (hers and/or the camera). Yelling won't make me hear her better. It will garble the sound and I will hear even less of what she's trying to say. And sometimes she reminds me of President Truman because her classes catch the glare from the window behind the screen and I can't actually see her eyeballs. Bless her heart.

No, these are not my actual parents

     My parents on Skype is Mom-N-Dad's Comedy hour. They pick on each other, poke each other, sometimes Dad tries to feel up Mom, but then he winds up so fascinated by his own image on camera that he starts making faces.... as if Mom and I can't see him doing it.  Meanwhile I'm telling them about what's new with me or we're talking about something or I'm waving the cats' paws at them before they leap out of my arms. It's quite a sight to observe.

Conclusion: My family + technology = FRIEND!

ROFL!...G2G. Kthxbye!

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments

Phish Food or Cherry Garcia?

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments: (verb, noun): Attending a mandatory-fun event with your boss and colleagues...without a date. This results in spending an entire afternoon or evening watching other people with their dates have fun, dance, and get drunk. In the mean time, you sit quietly and plaster on a smile and drink your way to the bottom of the closest bottle.

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...

Pictures. 1000 Words. Cliche. True.

Painted or drawn, an image sends endless messages as it hangs on a wall, sits in a frame, or glows on a web page or on my fantabulous iPhone. The favorite message that an image can send is one that reminds you of how much you've grown and changed for the better since the photo was taken. As I stumbled across a photo taken 3 and a half years ago I just sat in silence and stared. Even though it was just a picture of me, I just sat...and stared. The picture was me in a casino. It was the first time I'd had a weekend trip with a boyfriend. This boyfriend wound up having a wife. Being young, stupid and naive I believed him and fell for all the lies. Clearly, since it's been 4 years and I'm now 26 and living on my own- the relationship didn't quite work out the way we'd once hoped. It was so weird looking at me smiling back at the camera, smiling at the man behind it- believing I'd found the one, happy with a few cocktails in me, happy that I was done with school and ready to take the next step in my life...or so I thought. What made me happier was sitting on my bed in my apartment and just looking at the picture instead of living the life I would have had if I hadn't woken up and left the relationship.

     It's just so crazy that it's been 4 years since I thought I had it all figured out. 4 years since I made a plan. What the hell did I know at 22? I'll be 27 this year. But I think we all feel this way at one point. Maybe more than one point? After lots of caffeine which I love (See: 'You had me at espresso') I think theres a point in a few of my days throughout the week where I'm ready to take on the world after I run a marathon. But overall, at the end of the day as I lay my head down and review my day- I think of all the things I could have done, that I need to do tomorrow, and where I see things in my life taking me. When I was overseas, I'd wind almost each day down scrolling through photos of home before I closed my eyes. Those photos kept me going. There weren't any captions- just faces looking back at me. Some furry (kitties and doggy...sometimes Dad) and the rest just smiling and happy. 6000 miles away, I knew there were people that love me and missed me. And I knew that no matter how happy I'd been at one point in my life 4 years ago- I'm happier now. Guaranteed.