...While I Waited For My Beer.

     Those who are regular readers of this fabulous little blog know that I HATE it when people are rude to the waitstaff at restaurants/bars/coffee shops. Working in food service is genuinely a rite of passage and everyone should have to do it at some point in their life. It teaches a valuable lesson in humility, good manners, and what hard work really is.  However, that does not excuse a waiter or waitress that just sucks at the job and doesn't care to get better. Better service = better tip. Period.

      Monday night is Trivia Night at a little place near my downtown apartment. (I say 'downtown apartment' because it sounds chic and very cool. Two things I like to strive to be.) It's a local joint with $2 PBR, an attempt at TexMex, and even a Vegan menu! Truthfully, it's just glorified bar food but the Trivia is a great time. I met a group of friends there last night. B, Archer, Perkie, New Kid, and Tulane. It was my first time doing the Trivia night thing so I'd held out on cooking dinner before I went so I could order dinner there. Mistake #1. I also didn't drink at home because I knew there was beer there. Mistake #2. And I wore cute skinny jeans with a chic t shirt, cardigans, and my new favorite flat sandals. Mistake #3.  It was an attempt at being casual yet still sexy, since I have a hard time with the jeans + t shirt look. I feel like it's not 'me' and it feels like I'm trying too hard to look casual when I do it, therefore canceling out the casual feelings that dressing that casual is supposed to provide.

No pie for me, No tip for you!

     Apparently I needed more accessories. #1. A penis. #2. A high-and-tight. And here's why I needed them: We had a waitress who clearly felt that she could make more money from the guys than us gals, so she gave them better service. (see #24) Period. I.E. promptly delivering cold beers as soon as the guys were done with their current one, instant chips and salsa refills, and accurate checks at the end. Me? I had to get the guys to flag this DG down for a beer after my SEE THROUGH GLASS sat empty in front of me while she delivered ice cold PBR's to the guys. Seriously? B suggested that maybe some chocolate would rectify my mood since my disappointment was quickly spiraling into unadulterated hatred. Wrong. She ruined that too because when I did select a dessert, she wound up coming back to tell me they'd just run outs of it. Did she offer something else instead? Nope! I don't think so! Just the super annoying "OMG. We juuust ran out. I'm sooooooo sorrryyyyy." So I only had 1 pint of PBR and then somehow I wound up being charged for 2? Oh hell no! In the time it would have taken to get her to figure out who was supposed to have been charged for that 2nd one and fixed the check, I could have polished a 2nd pint off....that is, if she even noticed I was thirsty in the first place.

     Now I know you're probably thinking I'm a super bitch. True. I do have my moments as every gal does but here's the catch. It wasn't her first night waiting tables and she even knew a girl at the table by her first name! And the truth about the dessert? She probably stashed the last piece in the back of the fridge to eat later as she cries because she made no money tonight and "people suck. they're mean. they don't understand how she works." Again. Better service = better tip. Period.

Families And Technology. Friend or Foe?

Big Hand? BIG fan :) LIKE!!!!!

     In the last few years, my parents have gotten rather technologically savvy. Dad texts me often and my mom can now shop online, and operate the webcam I sent her and Dad so we can talk via Skype. Sounds dreamy, right? Yes and no. Yes because I love the effort the parentals are putting towards maintaining our close relationship. But no because only a 13 year old "gurl" could decipher my Dad's text messages. He fails to realize that if I'm taking the time to spell out all my sentences like a big girl, then I'd appreciate the same clarity from him. As for Mom, she's even on Facebook. Crazy!

     The comedy starts when my 82 year old grandmother calls me on Skype. She sits too far away from the computer screen AND her camera so most of the time we're communicating via webcam, I'm telling her to lean back so I can see more than just her face at the bottom left corner of the screen...and to turn down the volume (hers and/or the camera). Yelling won't make me hear her better. It will garble the sound and I will hear even less of what she's trying to say. And sometimes she reminds me of President Truman because her classes catch the glare from the window behind the screen and I can't actually see her eyeballs. Bless her heart.

No, these are not my actual parents

     My parents on Skype is Mom-N-Dad's Comedy hour. They pick on each other, poke each other, sometimes Dad tries to feel up Mom, but then he winds up so fascinated by his own image on camera that he starts making faces.... as if Mom and I can't see him doing it.  Meanwhile I'm telling them about what's new with me or we're talking about something or I'm waving the cats' paws at them before they leap out of my arms. It's quite a sight to observe.

Conclusion: My family + technology = FRIEND!

ROFL!...G2G. Kthxbye!

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...

Pet Peeves

1. Being asked "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" or "How are you still single?" Seriously. It's annoying.
2. Bad manners.
3. Long hair on men. Unless you're Fabio, just don't do it.
4. Socks with sandals.
5. Constant tardiness.
6. People who wear the price tag on the outside of their clothes. Seriously? I don't give a sh** what you paid. You still look stupid.
7. "One Uppers". People that always have to top your latest story...yeah. They suck.
8. Fat children; Chubby is one thing- but obese and waddling around the playground? Shy of it being a medical condition, I think it's literally borderline child abuse. And it's sad.
9. Couples who claim they never fight.(see #13.)
10. Hot men with ugly women.
11. Hot women with ugly men.
12. Baby girls dressed in hideous poofy pink outfits. Taffeta skirts are NOT for girls under 3 or over 16.
13. Liars.
14. Cheaters.
15. Being rude to the wait staff at restaurants.
16. Phone calls from men after 10pm that are not expected or a dire emergency.
17. Girls who wear heels they can't walk in.
18. Guys who try too hard.
19. Being called "sweetie" by a waiter or waitress. "That one actually conjures up a little pang of anger anytime I even think about it."
20. Dumb Sluts (referred in posts as DS.)
21. Guys who act as though they're way cooler than me. Also known as "Bro's"
22. Name droppers. Usually those folks are guilty of #7.
23. Animal abuse. (This is not meant to be funny. I'm literally repulsed by it and those who do it.)
24. Getting ignored by female bartenders. (Bitchy attitude = NO TIP)
25. Bad customer service.
26. People who hate America.
27. People who hate the military.
28. Faith Fanatics (FF).
29. A dirty bathroom.
30. Women (or men) who apply makeup while driving. That's scarier than texting In My Fabulous Opinion (IMFO).

31. Panty Lines (PL's).
32. White shoes BEFORE Memorial Day and AFTER Labor Day. (Being southern- this is ESPECIALLY frustrating since 90% of women just completely dismiss this fact. They just think "Warm weather = white shoes". NO! )

"You had me at espresso."

Coffee. I love it. "America runs on Dunkin". I live on it. Every day. This liquid form of heaven drips into a pot every morning in my cozy apartment at 0500. Thanks to my snooze button being within reach, I don't pour myself a steamy cup until about 0520...0540...oh who the hell am I kidding. It's usually getting dumped into my pink to-go cup as I dash out the door just in time to catch the HOV lane...and by catch, I mean I hop on it at 0605, sometimes 0610 fully prepared the fend off any cop who might pull me over.
Something about being caffeinated to the point of heart murmurs just makes me happy. Really  happy. But it doesn't have the same effect every day. Some days, it just hits me like a trainwreck. Instantly I'm bouncing off the walls, tripping over my sentences, and making plans for a long run after work. Other days- 4 cups later I feel the buzz and then the feeling of nausea from so much liquid takes over and kills the buzz. Then I just want to nap which feels completely wrong after downing that much coffee.

Europe seems to have the right idea on how to get that fantastic buzz and avoid the feeling of wanting to puke. One word: Espresso. This tiny, shot glass looking cup of coffee is just beyond amazing. Although without sugar, it tastes like licking straight coffee grounds; and small sips are the only way to tolerate it without making the face that resembles the one you would make after shooting warm, cheap tequila. (kinda makes you gag just thinking about it, huh?) But with one sugar pack and a barbie-sized-spoon, you're on your way to looking trendy as you sip your way to a caffeine high like no other. It's one where you convince yourself that running a 1/2 marathon will be fun, that you're going to clean out your closet after the marathon, then field day your apartment. By the end of the day, the buzz has worn off and you're simply exhausted from THINKING about all those things to do. But just one more cup- and it's back to marathon planning!
Anyway. I'm currently shopping for an espresso maker so I will absolutely report back when I find my little gem.