"...that bwessed awangment."

“Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.” Yes yes, The Princess Bride is hilarious. Now onto more serious matters.

So handsome!

When I was in college, almost every senior in my sorority was engaged by the time she donned her cap and gown.  The saying was “You come to college to find your husband, you join your sorority to find your bridesmaids.” Gag me, right? Yeah that’s what I thought too.  Wedding after wedding, chicken dance after electric slide, I thought for sure my turn would be coming in a few years.  After all, the college boyfriend and I were “that couple” and everyone was certain we were headed towards matrimonial bliss.  Then reality and fate stepped in and I ninja-bitch-kicked that twerp to the curb. THANK GOODNESS! Fortunately for this princess many years of frogs were ahead of me. Yuck!  Meanwhile, I attended many weddings, watching all my girlfriends marry their Mr. Right and soon after, begin producing perfect little tiny people.  So after about age 25 I sort of just hung up the whole idea that I was going to get to join the club of wedded bliss.  For real.  Call it [and me] bitter, I prefer “realistic”.  I thought if I really met the right person, we’d just do something small and simple. NBD. My family is small… so it’d be easy to plan. Hahahaha! That notion it hilarious to me now. 

Why is that funny, you wonder? Well, if you haven’t met my fiancé then it wouldn’t make sense. He and his family do nothing in moderation.  [Perfect example: We opened presents on Christmas Day…all day. Until dinner. Seriously.] So once we got engaged, and reality set in I realized my idea of something simple and small was lost in the dust. Big time.

Sneaky boyfriend...the ring was in his shirt pocket!!!

To clarify, the act of getting engaged is awesome.  Words don’t do justice to how it felt seeing the man of my dreams on one knee, blinding me with a diamond ring, in the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I was so stunned that instead of crying like most girls do [or say that they do] I just sorta of dropped my jaw in disbelief and kept saying “Oh my God this is really happening. Oh my God. Oh my God….” Sneaky boyfriend! Unfortunately for most couples, the amount of stress and pressure that soon after follows is more like a nightmare [sorry, babe] that doesn’t seem like it’ll end until after the last “Thank You” note is mailed off. 

So let’s just put this out there…the ugly truth, if you will. Being engaged is not the dream that every girl envisions. Seriously, there should be a manual issued to every gal over 21 breaking down all the unfortunate truths of being an adult not living the life we see on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. [hmm… maybe this manual idea will become another solid post that my buddy Rob will enjoy.]  Weddings cost money, no matter how big or small you want it and as every bride discovers- http://www.theknot.com/ is bursting with vendors ready to rape you for every penny you’re willing to spend, and millions of ideas that most of us non-billionaires can’t afford.  [The better websites for my fabulous gals on a budget? http://www.pinterest.com/ and http://www.etsy.com/ .] 

In addition to feeling like a terrible Bride because you can’t afford a bag of personalized M&M’s or with your initials and date, everyone (family and/or wedding party) has an opinion.  Where to have it. Who to invite. What to wear. What to eat. Which church…the list goes on. RAWR! Help is welcome.  Negativity is not. It makes me a cranky-pants-Bride and then my MOH has to regulate!

Lucky for B and I, we’re footing the bill so what we say goes. Period. <insert ‘plan laugh’ >

The thing that has actually disappoints me most is not that I don’t have $50,000 to spare or that my family has been less than enthusiastic about my wedding, it’s actually the “marriage advice” that I get from RUDE people.  Most of the time, I appreciate a little wisdom from the other officers in my Wardroom or people that I know. But we have a lot of jackasses around…and these crusty old farts really should just keep it moving. Instead of the usual sweet stuff you hear like “Never go to bed angry”, “Always kiss me goodnight”, these jerk faces say things like:

“Hope you got a pre-nup!”

“So you’re really getting married, huh?”

“Wait, you’re getting married to another service member? And you’re both active duty? HA! Good luck!”

“Just wait until you have kids…then your life is over.”

“So, still getting married?”

“Don’t get fat, cut your hair, or stop putting out.”

“Why are you getting married? You’re life is over- your husband isn’t going to let you go out and do anything.”

“Hm. Guess you weren’t planning on staying in the Navy. Wait, you are? Why? Get out and just stay home and have children.”

Seriously.

For the record, I am not interested in the fact that you’ve gone years in your marriage with no sex and you weren’t even deployed. Or that you and your spouse had a ton of kids way too early in your marriage and lost the romance that brought ya’ll together. Or that your wife just won’t put out; and that your kids are brats.  Hell, if I was your wife I wouldn’t either since you have a nasty attitude like that. Maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror there, pops. It takes two, ya know?! Geez, if you’re that unhappy do what every other middle aged fat ass man having a midlife crisis in America does. Divorce your wife, buy a sports car, get a dumb haircut, a fake tan, and a 22 year old bimbo girlfriend.

I smile and laugh and tell them they’re being silly, but they just look at me like I’m a moron and have no idea what I’m getting myself into. It’s in those moments I wish I’d been just as rude back to them.  I’m about one more negative comment away from invoking my mother’s statement of “If you’ve nothing kind to say to me keep it to yourself.”

…NOT WELCOME HERE!

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. How could I? I’ve never been married before and honestly no one really knows what the hell they’re doing when they say “I do”… but the few important things I do know is that I love him, we are committed each other and to our life together, and the rest is just details that will work themselves out one way or the other. And I’m always right J HA!

xoxo

MANswers

The day after Irene, B and I spent the day at his place with his roommates. An AMC. As the afternoon passed, we were bumming around the living room completely engrossed in MM. They are now just as hooked as B and I are. Yay! First it's fun because anytime we finish an episode via Netflix, we finger-to-nose to see who'll click "Play Next Episode". Really mature, right? And second, now I have another gal to gossip about the drama of the show with. B likes the show, but for different reasons than me. I mean, when I gush about loving a character's wardrobe; there's really nothing for him to contribute to that. Then it's just a one-sided conversation and that sucks. I can do that all by myself! And it's completely fine that he doesn't smack his hands together and say "oh yes! her shoes are just fabulous!". Well, sometimes he does but he's certainly not serious.
 Also during our lazy afternoon MMM (Mad Men Marathon), the boys suddenly ganged up on the girls and vice versa and I learned a new word. "Manswer." What is a manswer? Let's explore, shall we?!

MANswer: an expected, sarcastic, and often not-quite-true response from a man that does not answer his lady's question.  (noun; adj; verb.)

I will get you!

Example #1
FB: "Oh since you're up can you get me another beer?"
FG: "Why? Am I your maid now?"

WARNING! WARNING! MANSWER ON THE WAY!
FB: "No, but you just look so sexy when you pop the top off the bottle."

TRUTH: He did not want to get up off the couch and tricked you with a complement! Beware of "MANswers" ladies... BEWARE!!!!!!

...While I Waited For My Beer.

     Those who are regular readers of this fabulous little blog know that I HATE it when people are rude to the waitstaff at restaurants/bars/coffee shops. Working in food service is genuinely a rite of passage and everyone should have to do it at some point in their life. It teaches a valuable lesson in humility, good manners, and what hard work really is.  However, that does not excuse a waiter or waitress that just sucks at the job and doesn't care to get better. Better service = better tip. Period.

      Monday night is Trivia Night at a little place near my downtown apartment. (I say 'downtown apartment' because it sounds chic and very cool. Two things I like to strive to be.) It's a local joint with $2 PBR, an attempt at TexMex, and even a Vegan menu! Truthfully, it's just glorified bar food but the Trivia is a great time. I met a group of friends there last night. B, Archer, Perkie, New Kid, and Tulane. It was my first time doing the Trivia night thing so I'd held out on cooking dinner before I went so I could order dinner there. Mistake #1. I also didn't drink at home because I knew there was beer there. Mistake #2. And I wore cute skinny jeans with a chic t shirt, cardigans, and my new favorite flat sandals. Mistake #3.  It was an attempt at being casual yet still sexy, since I have a hard time with the jeans + t shirt look. I feel like it's not 'me' and it feels like I'm trying too hard to look casual when I do it, therefore canceling out the casual feelings that dressing that casual is supposed to provide.

No pie for me, No tip for you!

     Apparently I needed more accessories. #1. A penis. #2. A high-and-tight. And here's why I needed them: We had a waitress who clearly felt that she could make more money from the guys than us gals, so she gave them better service. (see #24) Period. I.E. promptly delivering cold beers as soon as the guys were done with their current one, instant chips and salsa refills, and accurate checks at the end. Me? I had to get the guys to flag this DG down for a beer after my SEE THROUGH GLASS sat empty in front of me while she delivered ice cold PBR's to the guys. Seriously? B suggested that maybe some chocolate would rectify my mood since my disappointment was quickly spiraling into unadulterated hatred. Wrong. She ruined that too because when I did select a dessert, she wound up coming back to tell me they'd just run outs of it. Did she offer something else instead? Nope! I don't think so! Just the super annoying "OMG. We juuust ran out. I'm sooooooo sorrryyyyy." So I only had 1 pint of PBR and then somehow I wound up being charged for 2? Oh hell no! In the time it would have taken to get her to figure out who was supposed to have been charged for that 2nd one and fixed the check, I could have polished a 2nd pint off....that is, if she even noticed I was thirsty in the first place.

     Now I know you're probably thinking I'm a super bitch. True. I do have my moments as every gal does but here's the catch. It wasn't her first night waiting tables and she even knew a girl at the table by her first name! And the truth about the dessert? She probably stashed the last piece in the back of the fridge to eat later as she cries because she made no money tonight and "people suck. they're mean. they don't understand how she works." Again. Better service = better tip. Period.

Is Closure REALLY What You Want?

     In life, we have experiences that shape us into the people we are at this very moment. Good or bad, we learn lessons. And it's up to us to accept the lessons into our lives and become our "best self" or stow the knowledge for later contemplation. So what's up with this thing referred to as closure? Is it really what we need or what we think we need?

     Kim Catrall was featured on "Who do you think you are", a television show about discovering mysteries in families. She had never met her grandfather because he left her grandmother after 10 years of marriage, never to be heard from again. Apparently, he wanted to move away and she didn't want to leave England and her family behind. So one day, he was just gone.  She was forced to raise three girls on her own with no help from his family. What Kim discovered after much research and meeting new relatives was that within a year, he was re-married, had two more children, and carted them off to Australia to live. There, he and his new wife had a 3rd child and lived there until he died in 1970. She was able to find photographs of him to show to her mother and aunts- who had no memory of what their father looked like or who he was. All they knew is that Dad left and never looked back. Watching their faces as they looked at his face, with their half-brother and sisters was unexplainable. The sad part, to me, was that it really didn't mend the traumatic heartbreak that Kim's grandmother bore from having her husband abandon her and their 3 daughters after 10 years together.

     So which was worse? No answer? Or knowing you were abandoned for another woman?

     I admire the women of this family for having the strength to handle the truth of the matter. After the show aired, Kim's grandmother, mother, and aunts have been in contact with their half brother and sisters in Australia. How amazing is that?

     Me?  I wouldn't want to know. After 26 years of living, it's my personal belief that if we allow people who hurt us to have power over us even after they're gone, we'll never heal. It's a vicious cycle [often hard to break] that can hold us back from allowing people into our hearts that will never leave, and will love us just as we are.

Hollywood's Latest Craze: The-Child-Molester-Look

Jack Nicholson? Is that you?

Yesterday, I went to the hair salon for a touchup on my highlights. Life really is better as a blonde. (just FYI) My 1st favorite thing about getting my hair done is the commercial-esque hair flip I get to do as I waltz out of the salon at the end- looking and feeling fabulous. My 2nd favorite part about getting my hair done is sitting under the dryer in the massaging chair, and flipping through trashy magazines. Yay! Hollywood gossip always makes me feel better about myself, my fashion choices, and my life overall. So as I flipped through the stack of trash that my stylist handed me something horrible was staring back at me from the cover of People. It was Charlie Sheen. Looking like this. 

Sparrow? Where are your feathers?

Could it get worse? Yes. Then I saw Johnny Depp looking like this.

I don't know what's worse. The clown-paid shirt or the gold chain.

Then I realized that the older men of Hollywood are actually trying to look cool by donning accessories that look like they came from a costume box at a cheap theater. Why? Patricia Fields wouldn't even do this. And the younger men are shying away from the creepy tinted glasses and instead are adding scarves, trendy readers, or ACTUAL sunglasses to this stupid look. Seriously?

                                                                       NEWS FLASH
                                Unless you're wearing a nice 3-piece suit, do not wear a hat. Ever.

You will look stupid...and like you forgot to finish getting dressed. Also, tinted glasses are creepy (not trendy) and intended for little Asian men who do nails or sell 'antiques'.The only man who could ever pull this off is Cary Grant. Period. Baseball caps are occasionally ok, just not inside restaurants that don't have girls in orange shorts and white knee socks.

And FSG's: unless The rain in Spain is falling mainly in the plain, please save hats for: the beach, costume parties, cold weather, and [of course] Horse Races.

"AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Families And Technology. Friend or Foe?

Big Hand? BIG fan :) LIKE!!!!!

     In the last few years, my parents have gotten rather technologically savvy. Dad texts me often and my mom can now shop online, and operate the webcam I sent her and Dad so we can talk via Skype. Sounds dreamy, right? Yes and no. Yes because I love the effort the parentals are putting towards maintaining our close relationship. But no because only a 13 year old "gurl" could decipher my Dad's text messages. He fails to realize that if I'm taking the time to spell out all my sentences like a big girl, then I'd appreciate the same clarity from him. As for Mom, she's even on Facebook. Crazy!

     The comedy starts when my 82 year old grandmother calls me on Skype. She sits too far away from the computer screen AND her camera so most of the time we're communicating via webcam, I'm telling her to lean back so I can see more than just her face at the bottom left corner of the screen...and to turn down the volume (hers and/or the camera). Yelling won't make me hear her better. It will garble the sound and I will hear even less of what she's trying to say. And sometimes she reminds me of President Truman because her classes catch the glare from the window behind the screen and I can't actually see her eyeballs. Bless her heart.

No, these are not my actual parents

     My parents on Skype is Mom-N-Dad's Comedy hour. They pick on each other, poke each other, sometimes Dad tries to feel up Mom, but then he winds up so fascinated by his own image on camera that he starts making faces.... as if Mom and I can't see him doing it.  Meanwhile I'm telling them about what's new with me or we're talking about something or I'm waving the cats' paws at them before they leap out of my arms. It's quite a sight to observe.

Conclusion: My family + technology = FRIEND!

ROFL!...G2G. Kthxbye!

Questions NEVER To Ask In Front of a Wing-Man

While socializing with your co-workers outside the office, there are certain questions you should never ever ask or topics you should never approach. Ever.

1.Are you fertile?
2. This isn't the same guy/girl you brought last time.
3. Are you pregnant?
4. Does your hair always look like that?
5. So, is this your boyfriend/girlfriend?
6. What bar did you meet ____ in?
7. Did you ever get rid of that rash?
8. How's AA going?
9. Why did your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend leave you?
10. Why don't you have a date?
11. Are you gay?