The Lingo

Ever wonder about my crazy use of acronyms? Read on, friends...

FSG-   Fabulous Single Girl: SES’s admire her, DG’s hate her but don’t know why, PH’s lust after her, and FB’s worship her. She is a beautiful, well dressed, well mannered, smart, and sassy girl.

She’s polite to everyone but doesn’t take shit from anyone. Period.

Age range: 25+.

SS-       Single Self: who you are without an FG/FB.

FG-     Fabulous Girlfriend: A former FSG who has found romance with an FB
            (Cardinal Rule: NEVER EVER EVER forget about your girlfriends- single or not- who have always been there for you since LONG before the FB came along.)

TW-     Trophy Wife: ALWAYS an FG, sometimes an SES, other times a DG.

SES-    Self Esteem Susie:  A girl with such crappy self-esteem that she’s also labeled as “the nice girl”…only she’s too nice. Let’s face it ladies- we’ve ALL been an SES at some point in our journey towards FSG-dom. The difference? We FSG’s have moved on. SES’s have not and may never. She feels that demonstrating her domestic skills (cooking, cleaning, decorating) to a man at any given chance will assure that he’ll suddenly see her as FG material and possibly TW later down the road. She might as well tattoo “Desperate for love” on her forehead since she always wears her heart on her sleeve. SES’s aspire to be an FSG, but not everyone makes it. Age range? Typically, 21-29, but his can be a permanent lifestyle for some.

DG-     Dumb Girl: You know that girl you see who is dressed like she’s asking for it no matter the time of day or season? Yep. That’s a DG and her IQ is approximately her bra size. This breed of girls should be limited to high school due to the immaturity that comes along with such ridiculous behavior. Unfortunately, DG’s last through college and [gasp] sometimes even into the work place. Like our SES’s, this is a lifestyle choice that some DG’s make permanent. They dress up no matter where they are going for fear of seeing someone they know or meeting a potential PH. DG’s don’t ever date FB’s. Men in the FB category are usually horrified by DGs and would marry an SES before ever considering a relationship with a DG. An unrealistic sense of self accompanies a DG wherever she goes. While NP stares in horror at her horrific choice in clothing/hairstyle/etc, a DG thinks “yeah, that’s right. You wish you could get with this.” A DG’s idol is Ke$ha…’cause she’s super hot and parties 24/7’ and they ‘like so totally connect with Taylor Swift’s music because she’s deep.’ 

Age range: 12-24.

SNAG- Student Naval Aviator Groupie: Girls from Pensacola, Florida (i.e. “The cradle of Naval Aviation”) whose sole purpose is to marry an aviator so she can move out of Pensacola. For these girls, flight suits are their only criteria for PMM. Yes, the scene from “Officer and a Gentlemen” where they get warned about “the local girls” is no lie. So who are these girls? You guessed it! Your SES’s and DGs! While a FSG may meet herself an FB who happens to be a student aviator, she doesn’t limit herself to this type of man as a potential FB. Although due to their temporary stay in town, if an FSG is in a DD, they can make great PH’s and even SB’s. Just sayin…

FB-      Fabulous Boyfriend: a dateable guy suitable for a real relationship. Has matured emotionally, physically, and financially.  Age range:  27+

PH-     Place Holder: a pseudo-boyfriend to occupy an FSG’s time until she meets an FB. He is usually good looking, somewhat polite, decent in bed, and would make a great boyfriend…just not for you.  

AP- Academy Puke: This breed of guys is just disturbing. They can disguise themselves well as a possible FB, maybe even PMM…but any FSG will see right through it. Usually coming from money and having attended a prestigious college, AP’s feel that status means everything. They must have expensive clothes, a fancy car, the latest version of any Apple © product and service, and more toiletries than a supermodel. Their emotional maturity is barely that of an 18 year old. They have a sense of “entitlement”, think that every girl should want them and those who don’t are just stupid. They usually date DG’s and SES’s because they are the only girls who can tolerate them and this allows the AP to put ZERO effort into impressing her. Then the AP can sit in the corner at a party, ignoring his date and high-five his AP friends on how smoking hot his date is and how he’s “toootally gonna bang her later in the elevator at his apartment after she blows him on the way home.” Their apartments are usually ridden with SSB evidence (See SSB Part I ). This kind of guy is completely unacceptable dating or friendship material for an FSG.

PMM- Potential Marriage Material: A girl or guy who displays those qualities we all long for in someone we could spend our lives with. Example: financially savvy, great cook, tidy home, great with children, loves your pet, has a great relationship with his mother (not in the Oedipus way, of course).

BB-      Booty Buddy: Someone you aren’t seen in public with. Ever. You sleep together on occasion when both of you are single. (Rule: an FSG should never be “the other woman”. That’s a role for DGs and SES’s). That’s it. No pillow talk, no dates, and absolutely no sleeping over. Just really hot sex. And earning the title as SB instantly rules a man out as a potential PH or FB.

Dinosaur: Men aging in range from 38 to 60 years old who have the audacity to approach women at least 1/2 their age and WAY out of their league for conversation, a date, or just casual sex. Bless their heart for trying, but seriously? Typical traits of men like this are: unmarried or divorced, bald/balding, own a pet, possibly have children the same age as the women they’re going after, hasn’t had a lasting relationship in the past five years or ever, an unrealistic sense of self, think they know everything about women, fake confidence, have no idea how to handle rejection, and probably was a dork as a youngster but now has money & successful career and “needs” a TW to “complete him” (i.e. go with him to work functions so he’s not alone and has the youngest, hottest date in the place.) These men are disgusting, they’re assholes, and worst of all- when you politely reject them to allow them to save a little face- they go from sweet to raging asshole in 2.5 seconds flat. As if that little display of psychotic behavior is going to make you suddenly say “oh my gosh! What was I thinking? Of course I’d love to see you sometime but to hell with ‘dinner and a movie.’ I want to have your babies NOW!” Get real, jackass.

(Rule: No matter what, an FSG always offers a very polite rejection to any invitation she doesn’t wish to entertain. It’s only when the man goes ape-shit is she allowed to morph into an SB to teach him a lesson.)

DB- Dinosaur Bait: SES’s and DG’s. They’re just naive enough not to know any better.

NP- Normal People: A rare breed of people who are educated, well mannered, pay their bills on time, vote, recycle, own homes and/or cars, have savings accounts with balances that exceed $100, plan for retirement, have a good to excellent credit score, have car, home, renters, and life insurance, and usually have well mannered pets. It’s acceptable for NP’s to populate society with their offspring in the hopes that they’ll become NP’s as well. FSG’s and their FB’s morph into NP when they get married.

AMC- Awesome Married Couple: This style of couple-dome is highly sought after by all newly weds. In this case, the FG and FB have gotten married, therefore making them NPs. Yet they still retain their friendships made before they were “they”. They never fight in public and are a delight to be around both individually AND together. This means they can enjoy time away from each other as much as they enjoy time together and don’t seem dependent on each other in an unhealthy way.

MD- Married Drones: I like to call them “drones” because to me, people labeled like this were once really awesome individuals. They were great friends and had all sorts of ambitions and were so fun to be around. But since they got together with their current spouse, they’ve morphed into this couple that is inseparable to the point of nauseating. At parties they travel around as a two-some, unable to break away from each other to catch up with their friends. But that’s ok because at this point in their marriage they no longer have their own friends- they share friends. Usually other MD’s. It’s too painful for them to be friends with NPs, FSG’s, etc because all it does is remind them of the awesome life they had before they lost their individuality to their emotionally dependent, untrustworthy, self loathing significant other. But they’ll cover it up by saying that their single friends are the “sad ones”. Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right. Those “first date flutters” aren’t exciting at all.  Listen up, you MD’s of the world:  NO ONE stays that blissful for that long. I repeat: NO ONE! The honeymoon phase is said to end usually 90 days into a relationship but can last a bit longer. But 5 years? Yeah, you’re only fooling yourself at this point. Get real, get a life, and get your hands off your spouse. I’d rather not see my lunch again.

BOB- Battery Operated Boyfriend: a reliable source of pleasure that always puts my needs first. He doesn’t talk back, hog the covers, use my toothbrush, flirt with my friends, get jealous of a FB, or break my heart.

JB- Jackass Boss: Someone you work for that doesn’t get you and doesn’t ever care to. Like an AP, he puts minimal effort into building a good [work] relationship with you yet still expects you to put out 100%. For some strange reason, he has a great time with your co-workers and lunch and meetings and even with and his own peers; leaving you feeling like you’re not cool enough, yet because he’s your boss you continue to work your ass off and hope it’ll pay off. One day.

FKAH- Fat Kid at Heart: need I define this?

IBR- In Between Relationships: no explanation needed.

DS- Drunk Sex: A common practice for AP’s with DGs and SES’s.

Mandle: A candle with a manly scent that AP’s and some FBs will use when decorating. Yankee © makes good ones. Note: Guys, I’d rather smell a slightly odd scented candle than have your whole apartment smell like a foot.

DD- Dating Droubt: A time in your life when it seems that you literally can’t recall the last date you went on and there are zero potentials on the horizon. Zero.

ONS- One Night Stand: often a result of a DD and way too much to drink.

BDE- Best Date Ever: By the end of a BDE, you’ve locked in a 2^nd date.

DFH- Date from Hell: Whether it was the company or the location, this type of date-outcome is something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Symptoms that you’re on a DFH include: the unexplainable desire to dart out the front door, secretly fiddling with your cell phone to fake a call so you can make a quick exit, faking a migraine so you can leave immediately, and there’s always the old faithful “oh my god, I forgot to let my dog outside! She’ll ruin my couch. I’ve got to go!”

RB- Real Bitch: mean, angry, nasty, unfriendly, unhappy, and unpleasant describe this type of woman perfectly. She is the lowest of the low because she never rises out of this terrible way of living. Something or someone has usually scared her to turn her this way and being the immature vindictive person she is, she just stays angry and punishes anyone in her way.

SB- Super Bitch: Taking “being a bitch” one step further. When a FSG takes her otherwise perfect-behavior to this level, she means business. This is a side of her not many people have seen and lived to tell about. Although, when this attitude is used inappropriately it then loses its effect and falls back into the category of RB.

(Thought: defining levels of bitchiness might become a post at some point…)

I put this pic in twice for effect... DO NOT BE THIS WOMAN!

PL- Panty Line: Something that should NEVER be seen through a dress, skirt, shorts, or pair of pants. Spanx were invented for a reason. I’m a 6 and I wear them. So all you 2’s and 4’s of the world need to get over yourself and buy some! 

( I realize this is random, but I hate PLs almost as much as I hate DGs who wear makeup 5 shades darker than their natural skin tone. It's just offensive and unnecessary.)