MANswers

The day after Irene, B and I spent the day at his place with his roommates. An AMC. As the afternoon passed, we were bumming around the living room completely engrossed in MM. They are now just as hooked as B and I are. Yay! First it's fun because anytime we finish an episode via Netflix, we finger-to-nose to see who'll click "Play Next Episode". Really mature, right? And second, now I have another gal to gossip about the drama of the show with. B likes the show, but for different reasons than me. I mean, when I gush about loving a character's wardrobe; there's really nothing for him to contribute to that. Then it's just a one-sided conversation and that sucks. I can do that all by myself! And it's completely fine that he doesn't smack his hands together and say "oh yes! her shoes are just fabulous!". Well, sometimes he does but he's certainly not serious.
 Also during our lazy afternoon MMM (Mad Men Marathon), the boys suddenly ganged up on the girls and vice versa and I learned a new word. "Manswer." What is a manswer? Let's explore, shall we?!

MANswer: an expected, sarcastic, and often not-quite-true response from a man that does not answer his lady's question.  (noun; adj; verb.)

I will get you!

Example #1
FB: "Oh since you're up can you get me another beer?"
FG: "Why? Am I your maid now?"

WARNING! WARNING! MANSWER ON THE WAY!
FB: "No, but you just look so sexy when you pop the top off the bottle."

TRUTH: He did not want to get up off the couch and tricked you with a complement! Beware of "MANswers" ladies... BEWARE!!!!!!

IRENE: The Little Hurricane That Could

"I think I can! I think I can!"

Hurricane Irene. She ought to be ashamed of herself. Why? You see, I'm a Florida girl and have survived a Category 4 hurricane so anything less than that is just a little ole' rainstorm with some wind-a-blowin. So her weak performance over the weekend proved that she was indeed the worst excuse for a hurricane I've ever seen.

Irene became a blip on our radars about a week ago. She whipped up into a nasty little Category 3 storm that set her sights on the east coast. Quite a pucker factor for The Carolinas through New England since none of these folks have seen a hurricane since Isabel a few years back. In traditional Navy fashion, no real concern was shown until about 48 hours before she was scheduled to arrive. Then it turned into an all out "holy-shit-get-the-F***-out-of-here" mass exodus. Therefore, 2nd Fleet fled the area on Thursday. By Friday night Irene had been downgraded to hit VA as a Category 1. Drats! I was counting on her to wreak enough havoc so that I could be flooded into my apartment for a few days and not have to go to work on Monday.  B stocked us up with enough water and snacks to last a week so we were certainly ready... and then the disappointment came slowly ashore.

"As you can see, conditions have begun to deteriorate"

First, we got our fill of screaming news reporters during breakfast. One of which included a streaker. Full frontal and all! The storm really wasn't that bad, but of course it's just awful when you've buried your feet in the beach sand, are shouting into the microphone, and we can't even see you- just a dark silhouette amidst a lot of wind and water. Seriously? You look really dumb standing in that kind of weather telling everyone on TV how dangerous it is and that they should really stay inside. Well, we're watching you act crazy. So why don't you come on in!!!

Irene caused her less-than-extreme havoc from Saturday on through the wee hours of Sunday morning. Torrential rain, somewhat gusty winds, gloomy gray skies, and panicky news reporters. B and I had ourselves a little Mad Men marathon all day.  The last time I spent all day in front of the TV was in 09 and I was super drugged up thanks to my wisdom teeth extraction. But this past Saturday [sadly] was not spent in a narcotic-laced-ice-cream haze. I was instead hiding from the storm with B, doing laundry, sipping cocktails, and glued to the drama of the 1960's Ad exec's and their endless string of cocktails, cigarettes, and illicit affairs...until about 2300. I fell asleep not caring anymore about the storm, wishing I had Joan's wardrobe, and just hoping I wouldn't see my dinner again. Darn you vodka!

In the morning, the sunshine was peeking through the curtains (oof! hangover), the kitties were purring and snuggly, and alas it appeared that Norfolk and the Hampton Roads area was still in 1 piece. All in all, it wasn't a bad experience. We never lost power, ate delicious home cooked meals all day (including peanutbutter-chocolate chip cookies), I finished all of our laundry, and spent some QT with my sweet kitties and B.

Sunday was a beautiful day and led 99% of the HR residents to the conclusion that we'd COMPLETELY OVER PREPARED FOR THIS STORM. Irene was barely a hurricane as she came ashore for pete's sake! As B and I stopped for lunch supplies, I joked that it would be funny if we saw people in line to return water or other items like chain saws and extra batteries. So as we headed into Wal Mart, we walked past their customer service just to see if anyone would do something so ironic. The laughter that commenced was epic. I could barely keep my hands still as I snapped a pic and giggled. There it was. A few cases of returned water and a woman in line with a shopping cart containing a case of Juicy Juice. I'm not judging- but math wise, these people spent more in gas to return the item than they initially spent to purchase them. I think the 'cherry' on this Sunday would have been to see someone standing in line with a bag of half melted ice...drip. drip. drip.

"Yes ma'am. This certainly is the original ice that came in the bag."

*Side Note: Yes, I'm aware there was irreparable damage done by this storm in some parts of the country, but overall- the area I reside in and work in was not nearly as affected as it could have been. My mother was upset that I referred to Irene as a "joke".  But honestly- if a power outage is the absolute worst thing that went down with this storm, I think we can consider ourselves more than blessed that we dodged a bullet.**

New Design

New feeling, new design, new motivation...more to follow when I STOP feeling like I'm going to vomit all over this desk. 

Thank You, Fate!

Better you than me, pumpkin!

Today started out like most days off. Woke up, got some coffee, and signed onto Facebook. (I've accepted my addiction to social networking.) Scrolling through the updates to see what everyone is up to, I began to think about what I'll do with my day... I kept scrolling, and then I stopped. There it was. One of my ex's. Standing next to girl. With multiple chins.  

(cue the giggles)

Not much else says "you won" like seeing such a jerk with such a healthy, happy gal. It made my day. No, seriously. It did. And yes, I know it's not very Christian to laugh at someone else's misfortune. Then again he broke up with me via text message.

Shark Week

Dramatic Music. Antagonizing scientists. Obsolete places on earth. And there's a whole week dedicated to this... awesome. At least B is entertained. And Rachel too :)

Say "Sea Lion!"....yeah. That'll get a smile on his face.

Repel This!

Let me put this out there: I absolutely L-O-V-E The Man Repeller. While 90% of her style choices would look like absolute garbage on me, her funky fashion-forward looks are fantastic on her lean frame. She's so lucky to have such long legs and gorgeous hair- hell, she'd look good in a freaking potato sack!

Anyway, what I do want to address is the models in her recent post... (no disrespect to them or TMR for choosing the pics.) I just couldn't stifle my giggles as I read through her latest post. The expressions call for some C&S expressions added.

Are you shitting me? These pants belong on MC Hammer's wife's bridesmaids.  ("Can't marry this!" Duuh-na-na-na. Dadum! Dadum!)
No really. Why? Why the hell are parachute pants even being made? It's bad enough that certain branches of the military still think that pleated pants are a solid choice for ladies uniforms. Now they're actually being VOLUNTARILY PURCHASED?? Holy smokes!

No joke, I think my mother has this scarf...and this jacket. And so does Melanie Griffith. She got it off the set of "Working Girl". Hello, ladies. It's 2011 and life is too short for poor fashion choices.

 No, ma'am. Leopard print should be worn SPARINGLY!!!!!! Unless you're married to Ice-T, don't do it. It's just not fair to my eyes. But you work it, model girl. Strike that pose!

American Pickers is a show about people who rummage yard sales and flea markets for valuable treasures. Clearly, this girl found the best treasures of all! WINNING! A 'picked' over sweater paired up with Britney Spears' tossed aside jean shorts. The best part of this outfit [seriously] is her shoes. They are fun and sexy. However the model doesn't seem to think so, based on her "I look stupid and I know it" expression. Yes, dear. Yes you do.

NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN A MULLET. Be it haircut or dress, it's bound to be a disaster. Look how pissed off the model is? I bet she was late to the shoot and they decided to stick her with the dress that all the on-time-models were like "Paha! i ain't wearing that garbage!"

Lulu- The Man Stealer

At Grandmas, missing  Chuck...

My cat, Lulu is a special one. She likes boys. A lot. Her first boyfriend was my good friend Chuck. She loved him and would physically throw herself at him. It was pretty funny. Sadly though, school ended and we all moved on so she had to leave Chuck although she missed him.

Then she moved in with her Grandparents and adopted the dog as her next boyfriend. But he was scared of cats so it didn't work out. Then Mom (i.e. moi) came back and moved Lulu and Leo to VA with her so Lulu was on her own again. Poor kitty.

Yeahhh, that was until I met B and we began dating. Then she whipped out a new bag of tricks trying to get his attention away from me. Seriously. She's such a flirt and it's so ridiculous! She will seriously wait until I've left the room and then begin rolling and sauntering her way towards him. First she'll ruuuub on all the furniture. Then innocently hop up on the end table and make her way along the back of the couch- ultimately ending her journey behind B's head. Then she'll commence rubbing her face and body all over the back of his head, on his shoulders, and on his hands. All the while, looking RIGHT AT ME as she does this little song and dance.

Ridiculous!

See?? Apartment tart!

When he's not at the apartment, she'll look around for him. Leo? Well, he just wants attention.

Leo likes him too, but most cause he likes having another man in the house.

Kitties DO decide when it's petting time...Lulu has appropriate timing. Leo does not. (bless his little heart!)

5 Months later...

He said "Hi". I said "Hi"...the rest is history :)

First Lunaversary: April 4, 2011

2nd Lunaversary...so I thought.....

...Yeah, thanks to crappy planes and bad weather it just didn't happen.

The 3rd one fell on a duty-free-Saturday. Woot!!!!

Of course the next one was another duty day. Awesome!

5 months later, Lulu is still trying to woo him away from me.... slut!

It's Not Me, It's You. Really.

Oh, please. I'm fabulous. It's definitely you!

How many times have we heard "It's not you, it's me" as we stand there crying and watching what we thought was "the one" walk away? In light of recent breakups in the celebrity world and among friends, I think it's time we compile a list of the common breakup lines and discuss the truth behind them.. No no, this is not to upset anyone. This is to poke holes in the lame ass excuses that we've all been given or given to former partners to ease the sting of ending a relationship. While honesty is the best policy, it's also the least used policy because it's as uncomfortable as hooker in church.

Without further a due, here we go...

Breakup Line #1. "I think we should see other people"

    Ahhh, the classic line. Now when you say "think", what you really mean is that you've already met someone and [likely] shagged them. That is the only thing that would explain your emotional distance and lack of sexual interest as of late. Furthermore, why in the world do you think that sleeping with a stranger is going to erase the memory of your unfaithful behavior? I know you're stupid because you cheated on me but now I think you're just plain crazy.


Breakup Line #2. "It's not you, it's me"

    I believe you. Obviously you're mental because I am fabulous and you will never do better than me.

Breakup Line #3. "I don't want to be in a relationship right now"

     No no. No no. Let's be straight about this. You don't want to be in A relationship, you want to be in MANY relationships without any commitment or monogamy. That way sleeping with whomever whenever isn't technically cheating.  And seriously? Just replace "...right now" with "...with you"  because we all know that's what you really mean. You just don't want to say it right this minute because being alone scares you and you only care about me juuuust enough to not want to see me cry. Furthermore, also want a 'Plan B' (as in back-up) on the off...likely chance that you don't find someone better [as I'm sure you think you will]. Instead, you just want to have the opportunity to come crawling back and romance me with the line of "Baby, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't live without you." Nice try. What you really wanted to do was go do whatever you want without it being considered cheating. Grow up. Sticking your appendages in everything in town isn't going to help you find yourself. It will, however, help you find penicillin.  Just be honest.


Breakup Line #4. "I need to focus on my career right now"

I'm ready to take your.....memo

     No, you don't. You need to focus on the hot new employee at your job and just don't want to be dragging "baggage" (i.e. your current flame) to work functions. Tell ya what, if the grass is really greener then I'll do a naked lap of downtown at noon on the first snow-day of the year in 5" stilettos and my best diamonds.


Breakup Line #5. "I just don't see you in my future"

     You don't want me in your future cause if you did, you wouldn't say a dumb thing like that line I just heard. You have no idea what your future holds but that's ok. I know mine will be filled with love from someone who cares and wants to be there- good times and bad. Peace!!!!

Breakup Line #6. "I met someone else"

     Probably true, and he/she also probably doesn't know that you're currently in a relationship. Or that you're even alive for that matter. No worries, give me his/her address. I'd be happy to send your next load of dirty laundry over there for him/her to take care of. Nothing says "lets date!" like skid marks.

Breakup Line #7. "....silence..."

    The GRA was hungry for another coward. Whew! Trust me, though...it was for the best.


Breakup Line #8. "You just want this more than I do."

     You're absolutely right. I want to be with you. You don't want to be with me. At all. This is close to being honest, but not quite.

The GRA- Your Secret Best Friend

~This post is dedicated to my Rookie. Muahlalalala!!!!!~

The Great Relationship Abyss. She's an invisible force that recognizes how much your current flame sucks and quickly removes it from your life. It's for your own good. How does it work? Read on...

Your eyes meet. Heart races. His smile melts your insides. Lunches, dinners, kisses, meeting each others' friends and/or families. Before you know it you're imagining the monogrammed towels with your new initials hanging in the bathroom at your perfect new home together.

<Insert GRA. much munch munch.>

The next thing you know, it's been a few days [or is it weeks?] since he called. Trying not to panic, you leave him a breezy voice message... followed up by a breezy text. A few more days/weeks pass. He must be busy with work. Maybe he's out of the country.  Did his dog die? Maybe his phone broke. Or the tower fell down?  After you've run out of excuses as to why you haven't seen your 'sweet-baboo', the yucky truth rears it's yucky head. The GRA ate him! You're suddenly single. Again.

Men are not on the GRA's menu. Therefore, your former PMM is NOT a man. He's a C-O-W-A-R-D and will be referred as such from here on out.. Say it out loud._______ Good girl! Now, while listing all the reasons a coward just up and runs away from a relationship would be fun and entertaining, I'll save you amazing readers some time [cause we'll list those reasons in a new post] and sum it up:  

BECAUSE HE SUCKS AT LIFE!

Seriously. So stop caring RIGHT NOW! If a man stops seeing you and doesn't provide a reason- and your relationship lasted more than a month- then you shouldn't waste a 'single minute' (literally) waiting for an explanation. Period.

You kiss your mother with those lying lips??

I say this because it's happened to me quite a few times. If a relationship is going nowhere, don't waste each others' time. Just be honest, and end it. The truly gracious thing to do (though this rarely happens) would be to tell the person how much you've enjoyed their company, but don't feel a romantic connection. If you genuinely want to be friends, say that. Otherwise, save it. 

Telling an FSG "let's just be friends" is like Joan Rivers complimenting Snookie. It's a lie. Don't believe it. Furthermore, no FSG wants to be "just friends" with someone who has [likely] seen her naked and still chosen to break it off. Imagine trying to make small talk while wondering if he's picturing you naked? (PS- He will. He's a guy and he's straight. It's genetic. Deal with it.)

When the GRA eats your man, it hurts. It sucks. You want to know why because every FSG wants an explanation for being wronged! You keep imagining all the things you'd say to him and how hard you would slap him across the face if he were to walk through the door at that moment.  But here's the cold hard facts:

Any reason  EXCUSE a coward could provide is going to:

1. Be a lie.

2. Not be worth the time you would have taken to listen.

3. Piss you off...royally.

Secret Option 4. Be fair game for my next post!

 So, after the table is cleared from the GRA's latest meal (aka: your former man) you'll find a new feeling. And it's called gratitude. Be grateful that the she has removed such a piece of shit from your life. Now you're free to find someone truly deserving of your time and efforts. Who wouldn't want to be with you?  

You're FABULOUS!!!

Who NOT to pick for "What Not To Wear"

That swim suit is being punished. Along with my eyes.

 

"What Not to Wear" is a fantastic show where horribly dressed people get shown the error of their ways, and given $5,000 to fix it. Yes, that's right. FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! PLUS they get a free haircut & color and a makeup artist shows them how to NOT look like crap. Now being a Christian woman, I'm very supportive of charities for worthy causes and quite frankly, someone's horrible choice in clothing certainly is a worthy cause to me. First, because it offends my eyes. They didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to look at such an atrocity on a daily basis. And second, because most folks can't afford to just drop a few grand to revamp their wardrobe on a minute's notice so a little help is always nice. More good karma should be put into the world. That's why [barring really bad service] I always over-tip.

While this all sounds wonderful, there's just a teeny little problem I have with the show's creators..or whoever is in charge of selecting the lucky person to be featured on each episode.

WHY DO YOU PICK THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY UNGRATEFUL SELFISH PEOPLE TO GET $5000 WORTH OF NEW CLOTHES????????????

Seriously!!! It's unfair! The latest episode I watched featured a woman who actually worked at a textile company in the design department, yet she couldn't dress her way out of a paper bag. She's in her 40's, a little heavy set, and thought that white socks, clogs, dumpy shirts, & brightly colored patterned leggings were a good idea for daily wear. Those should only be found on thin, attractive women... and ONLY on October 31st of each year. The tights weren't the worst part, believe it or not. It was actually her attitude. All she did was complain. The whole time. About how everything she picked out to try on looked awful on her. Gee, I'm so sorry, ma'am. That $5000 shopping spree you've been given must really be stressing you out! What a horrible thing to have to burden?! Poor thing...

Keep telling yourself that.

Well, of COURSE all your choices look like shit on you! That's kinda why you're on this show in the first place. You can't even dress yourself with YOUR clothes so thinking that putting on more expensive threads will suddenly make you a size 6 and well dressed is just absurd! And don't even try to blame the store for not carrying the right size or style of clothing for you. No. Just no.

Step 1- know your body type. (pear shaped, busty, no curves, etc.) 

Step 2- know your color pallet. (pale skin + pale shades= bad choice.). 

Step 3-dress for your age. (not the age you wish you were.)

This will make ALL the difference in the world in keeping you looking put together, professional, and attractive.

So who should the producers select for this show? 

A DESERVING, GRATEFUL, PRODUCTIVE 

MEMBER OF SOCIETY!!!  

     Perhaps a new Mom looking to dress for her newly changed body. Maybe someone from the Biggest Loser who doesn't have anything smaller than a camping tent to wear to work. A college graduate who can't afford a professional wardrobe to go out and interview in. A military service member just back from a long deployment. (they defended our country so you, Stacey and Clinton, should protect my eyes!)