...While I Waited For My Beer.

     Those who are regular readers of this fabulous little blog know that I HATE it when people are rude to the waitstaff at restaurants/bars/coffee shops. Working in food service is genuinely a rite of passage and everyone should have to do it at some point in their life. It teaches a valuable lesson in humility, good manners, and what hard work really is.  However, that does not excuse a waiter or waitress that just sucks at the job and doesn't care to get better. Better service = better tip. Period.

      Monday night is Trivia Night at a little place near my downtown apartment. (I say 'downtown apartment' because it sounds chic and very cool. Two things I like to strive to be.) It's a local joint with $2 PBR, an attempt at TexMex, and even a Vegan menu! Truthfully, it's just glorified bar food but the Trivia is a great time. I met a group of friends there last night. B, Archer, Perkie, New Kid, and Tulane. It was my first time doing the Trivia night thing so I'd held out on cooking dinner before I went so I could order dinner there. Mistake #1. I also didn't drink at home because I knew there was beer there. Mistake #2. And I wore cute skinny jeans with a chic t shirt, cardigans, and my new favorite flat sandals. Mistake #3.  It was an attempt at being casual yet still sexy, since I have a hard time with the jeans + t shirt look. I feel like it's not 'me' and it feels like I'm trying too hard to look casual when I do it, therefore canceling out the casual feelings that dressing that casual is supposed to provide.

No pie for me, No tip for you!

     Apparently I needed more accessories. #1. A penis. #2. A high-and-tight. And here's why I needed them: We had a waitress who clearly felt that she could make more money from the guys than us gals, so she gave them better service. (see #24) Period. I.E. promptly delivering cold beers as soon as the guys were done with their current one, instant chips and salsa refills, and accurate checks at the end. Me? I had to get the guys to flag this DG down for a beer after my SEE THROUGH GLASS sat empty in front of me while she delivered ice cold PBR's to the guys. Seriously? B suggested that maybe some chocolate would rectify my mood since my disappointment was quickly spiraling into unadulterated hatred. Wrong. She ruined that too because when I did select a dessert, she wound up coming back to tell me they'd just run outs of it. Did she offer something else instead? Nope! I don't think so! Just the super annoying "OMG. We juuust ran out. I'm sooooooo sorrryyyyy." So I only had 1 pint of PBR and then somehow I wound up being charged for 2? Oh hell no! In the time it would have taken to get her to figure out who was supposed to have been charged for that 2nd one and fixed the check, I could have polished a 2nd pint off....that is, if she even noticed I was thirsty in the first place.

     Now I know you're probably thinking I'm a super bitch. True. I do have my moments as every gal does but here's the catch. It wasn't her first night waiting tables and she even knew a girl at the table by her first name! And the truth about the dessert? She probably stashed the last piece in the back of the fridge to eat later as she cries because she made no money tonight and "people suck. they're mean. they don't understand how she works." Again. Better service = better tip. Period.

Is Spring Here??

With the slow arrival of beautiful spring weather comes the breaking out of shorts, tanks, dresses, skirts, and sandals.  Being the smart FSG I am, I chose to begin tanning last month. Pasty just is NOT a good look for me. Kim Kardashian gives me boob-envy AND tan-envy.  This way, when the warm weather graces us with her presence, I don't look like this guy.

Not enough...ps- put down the SPF 500.

On the other hand, a gal must keep her tanning in check so she does NOT wind up looking like this. Just cal me Goldie-Tan (pun intended)...I'm aiming for a tan that's juuuuuuuuust right!

TOO much!

Perfect!

Is Closure REALLY What You Want?

     In life, we have experiences that shape us into the people we are at this very moment. Good or bad, we learn lessons. And it's up to us to accept the lessons into our lives and become our "best self" or stow the knowledge for later contemplation. So what's up with this thing referred to as closure? Is it really what we need or what we think we need?

     Kim Catrall was featured on "Who do you think you are", a television show about discovering mysteries in families. She had never met her grandfather because he left her grandmother after 10 years of marriage, never to be heard from again. Apparently, he wanted to move away and she didn't want to leave England and her family behind. So one day, he was just gone.  She was forced to raise three girls on her own with no help from his family. What Kim discovered after much research and meeting new relatives was that within a year, he was re-married, had two more children, and carted them off to Australia to live. There, he and his new wife had a 3rd child and lived there until he died in 1970. She was able to find photographs of him to show to her mother and aunts- who had no memory of what their father looked like or who he was. All they knew is that Dad left and never looked back. Watching their faces as they looked at his face, with their half-brother and sisters was unexplainable. The sad part, to me, was that it really didn't mend the traumatic heartbreak that Kim's grandmother bore from having her husband abandon her and their 3 daughters after 10 years together.

     So which was worse? No answer? Or knowing you were abandoned for another woman?

     I admire the women of this family for having the strength to handle the truth of the matter. After the show aired, Kim's grandmother, mother, and aunts have been in contact with their half brother and sisters in Australia. How amazing is that?

     Me?  I wouldn't want to know. After 26 years of living, it's my personal belief that if we allow people who hurt us to have power over us even after they're gone, we'll never heal. It's a vicious cycle [often hard to break] that can hold us back from allowing people into our hearts that will never leave, and will love us just as we are.

Hollywood's Latest Craze: The-Child-Molester-Look

Jack Nicholson? Is that you?

Yesterday, I went to the hair salon for a touchup on my highlights. Life really is better as a blonde. (just FYI) My 1st favorite thing about getting my hair done is the commercial-esque hair flip I get to do as I waltz out of the salon at the end- looking and feeling fabulous. My 2nd favorite part about getting my hair done is sitting under the dryer in the massaging chair, and flipping through trashy magazines. Yay! Hollywood gossip always makes me feel better about myself, my fashion choices, and my life overall. So as I flipped through the stack of trash that my stylist handed me something horrible was staring back at me from the cover of People. It was Charlie Sheen. Looking like this. 

Sparrow? Where are your feathers?

Could it get worse? Yes. Then I saw Johnny Depp looking like this.

I don't know what's worse. The clown-paid shirt or the gold chain.

Then I realized that the older men of Hollywood are actually trying to look cool by donning accessories that look like they came from a costume box at a cheap theater. Why? Patricia Fields wouldn't even do this. And the younger men are shying away from the creepy tinted glasses and instead are adding scarves, trendy readers, or ACTUAL sunglasses to this stupid look. Seriously?

                                                                       NEWS FLASH
                                Unless you're wearing a nice 3-piece suit, do not wear a hat. Ever.

You will look stupid...and like you forgot to finish getting dressed. Also, tinted glasses are creepy (not trendy) and intended for little Asian men who do nails or sell 'antiques'.The only man who could ever pull this off is Cary Grant. Period. Baseball caps are occasionally ok, just not inside restaurants that don't have girls in orange shorts and white knee socks.

And FSG's: unless The rain in Spain is falling mainly in the plain, please save hats for: the beach, costume parties, cold weather, and [of course] Horse Races.

"AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

Families And Technology. Friend or Foe?

Big Hand? BIG fan :) LIKE!!!!!

     In the last few years, my parents have gotten rather technologically savvy. Dad texts me often and my mom can now shop online, and operate the webcam I sent her and Dad so we can talk via Skype. Sounds dreamy, right? Yes and no. Yes because I love the effort the parentals are putting towards maintaining our close relationship. But no because only a 13 year old "gurl" could decipher my Dad's text messages. He fails to realize that if I'm taking the time to spell out all my sentences like a big girl, then I'd appreciate the same clarity from him. As for Mom, she's even on Facebook. Crazy!

     The comedy starts when my 82 year old grandmother calls me on Skype. She sits too far away from the computer screen AND her camera so most of the time we're communicating via webcam, I'm telling her to lean back so I can see more than just her face at the bottom left corner of the screen...and to turn down the volume (hers and/or the camera). Yelling won't make me hear her better. It will garble the sound and I will hear even less of what she's trying to say. And sometimes she reminds me of President Truman because her classes catch the glare from the window behind the screen and I can't actually see her eyeballs. Bless her heart.

No, these are not my actual parents

     My parents on Skype is Mom-N-Dad's Comedy hour. They pick on each other, poke each other, sometimes Dad tries to feel up Mom, but then he winds up so fascinated by his own image on camera that he starts making faces.... as if Mom and I can't see him doing it.  Meanwhile I'm telling them about what's new with me or we're talking about something or I'm waving the cats' paws at them before they leap out of my arms. It's quite a sight to observe.

Conclusion: My family + technology = FRIEND!

ROFL!...G2G. Kthxbye!

Are You Even Fertile?

     Last Saturday night, my boss hosted my co-workers and I for a little gathering to farewell a departing colleague. The invitation included spouses/significant others. Not wanting to put any awkward pressure on a new friend (we'll call him B), this FSG decided to pick up another colleague and make the best of it. Besides, I had plans to catch up with B after the little shin dig at the boss's house. Plus the little fat girl that lives inside of me would NEVER turn down free food and booze! My day pre-party was leisurely. Got off work at 0700, took a nap, cleaned the apartment, and waited for the cable guy. While waiting, B and I were texting and when I mentioned how much I was dreading the party he offered to be my wing-man. Yay! The idea of showing up to yet another command/department function sans-date was really just annoying because the last few times I've flown solo, I spent the majority of my evening forcing a smile, trying to stomach bad food, mingling with unfriendly spouses of my male co-workers, and politely explaining [in between large gulps of wine] that I didn't have time to find a date and no I'm not a lesbian. By the end of the night I'd quietly slip out the door and go home. With a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

'Me looking fabulous. What do you see?'

     ANYWAY...so I was really excited that B actually volunteered to come to my mando-fun with me. No matter how bad the evening went, having him there would definitely keep things fun. So we hopped in the car picked up my colleague, and got there thanks to B's excellent navigation skills. (Yes, readers. I relinquished control of my GPS and allowed someone else to navigate. Shocking, I know, considering my 'enthusiasm' for control.) The party was lots of fun, the food was great, and for once I wasn't having an extended-awkward-turtle-moment with my colleagues.

     We left the party around 10:30pm to get my colleague back to his house and little girls. As we' re driving, he drunkenly begins what we'll now refer to as "Questions NEVER To Ask In Front of a Wing-Man." It began as career goals and what my plans are for me. I provided vague answers in the interest of keeping the conversation light and breezy. Then he asks, "Well, do you want to have a family?" I think my skin began crawling at this point but as you'll soon discover, it was too soon for that. "Yes, one day" I replied. Silence....more silence. Then he says, "Wait, are you even fertile?" Silence. I was like "WHAT?? OMG! What the hell kind of question is that??" Then he presses, "Well, are you?" I wanted to die. I yelled "I don't know! Can we change the damn subject??"  I mean, what the hell? B's head was in his hands because he was laughing so hard. It was funny...after the fact.

..... At least it makes for hilarious jokes during lulls in conversation.

...not a reason to reproduce.

Questions NEVER To Ask In Front of a Wing-Man

While socializing with your co-workers outside the office, there are certain questions you should never ever ask or topics you should never approach. Ever.

1.Are you fertile?
2. This isn't the same guy/girl you brought last time.
3. Are you pregnant?
4. Does your hair always look like that?
5. So, is this your boyfriend/girlfriend?
6. What bar did you meet ____ in?
7. Did you ever get rid of that rash?
8. How's AA going?
9. Why did your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend leave you?
10. Why don't you have a date?
11. Are you gay?

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments

Phish Food or Cherry Garcia?

Extended Awkward Turtle Moments: (verb, noun): Attending a mandatory-fun event with your boss and colleagues...without a date. This results in spending an entire afternoon or evening watching other people with their dates have fun, dance, and get drunk. In the mean time, you sit quietly and plaster on a smile and drink your way to the bottom of the closest bottle.

Things A Girl NEVER Wants To Hear from a Nail Tech

Being a girlie girl, maintaining my nails and toes is imperative. I love to have my little tootsies scrubbed and polished every few weeks. For that 1 hour, I can relax in a massaging chair and the toughest decision I make is "wha cola i wan". Recently, I had the pleasure of enjoying a little self pampering in my new neighborhood. Nervous to try a new nail salon, I decided to braved a Mall Salon. This saved me a 30 minute drive to the little suite I frequented bi-monthly in my last neighborhood. By the time I left, I felt like I needed to go scrub my entire body with clorox bleach just to remove the filth I felt. Ironically enough, it wasn't from unclean tools or a dirty salon. It was from the nail tech.

I opted for a new set of french tips on my digits, and postponed a pedicure until I observed how this new-to-me salon operated. Smartest decision ever. A chubby little Asian man who called himself 'Mike' sat down and asked how he could help me. Apparently, patiently sitting at his manicure station didn't make it obvious enough that I was there for a nail treatment. Did he think I got lost on the way to Starbucks or something? I politely explained I was in need of a new set, as most of my acrylics were on their last dying hope of staying attached to my fingernails. Then I clarified exactly how I wanted the new set to look and shape I preferred my nails to be filed into. At this point he should have known I was a serious gal when it comes to a well groomed hand on a lady. Instead, he commented that perhaps I'd like them filed into points so I could really scratch up my boyfriend during sex... Yep. He actually said that.

Me luv u long time

I changed the subject immediately and asked if he'd seen any good movies lately. Perhaps affording him another opportunity to NOT taste his own feet. The effort was pointless. The topic of animals came up and I asked him if he liked cats. He said "No. I hate them and kick them when they come near me. But I do love p****." He was serious. The discomfort level was rising higher than the 4" wedge sandals I had on. Then he commented on how much he loves spring because women dress sexier, showing more skin and he loves to look. Sitting there in my brand new, flowery strapless sundress suddenly left me feeling like I was in my underwear. God knows what he was imagining me [not] wearing as he worked on my nails.

Again, I changed the subject. "Do you have a family?" He answered "Yes". When I asked how many children he had, he said he didn't know and that none of them lived with him. They were with his grandparents and they don't miss him because they don't like him. Shocker! By this time he was finishing up and my nails looked FANTASTIC! As I was paying him, and he actually had the nerve to write his personal # on a business card from the counter and hand it to me. Really, dude? You just met me and used the "P-word", you actually kick cats, and don't seem to know [or want to admit] how many children you have. If it was up to us to repopulate the earth, the human species would die with me because I'd use my "claws" you so-carefully-filed to rip you to pieces. That way I could die alone. NOT covered in shame and disgust.


Serious Note: This nail salon is located at the McArthur Center in downtown Norfolk. There are two of them there. NEVER go to either. Ever.

When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...