Dating Website 101

***506 matches since Oct 2010. 0 dates. C'mon EH!!! I did better without you! Can I have my $$ back now?***

Being new to the online match-making scene- I formulated a little list of some things that crossed my mind as I received [and closed] matches...enjoy! I am not even on EHarmony to meet people anymore. I gave up on that after the one person that I actually talked on the phone to invited me to get on Skype...and then asked me to take off my clothes. DONE! This shit is just the most expensive entertainment ever. I'm almost going to be sad when my membership expires in April. If only I could make enough from my "Ad Sense" here on my blog to pay back my membership fee TO Eharmony. Then I'd have gotten tons of blog material for free but for now, this is expensive so read read read!!!!!!!

• POST PICTURES! No picture, no communication.
• Don’t post pictures of you and another girl snuggled up unless she is 100% cropped out. I don’t care how hot YOU look, If I can still see ½ her face, NEXT!!!
• Actually, don’t put ANY pictures of you and a female together unless you’re related…by blood. The last thing I really want to see is you cozied up to some banging chick and have to ASSUME she’s a relative. I’m looking to date you- not you and 5 chicks.
• Don’t list your most influential person in your life as Bill Gates because he “provided you with your iPod”. If you had any brain cells, you’d know that Steve Jobs is the founder of Apple, who oh-by-the-way makes the iPod and other fantastic Apple products. And Bill Gates is just an ugly nerd with lots of money and no women.
• If you are pale, don’t take a photo of yourself with the camera approximately 5” away from your face with the flash on. It reminds me of the movie Powder. Pale is not the new sexy. I don’t need to see your pores.
• If you are tired, don’t take a picture of it and put it on a dating website. The point of posting photos of you is to ATTRACT a mate, not scare potentials OFF.
• Under “Occupation”   be specific. If you put “Supervisor”, I’m going to think you’re a fucking liar. It’s too easy and vague and if you’re going to start things off being vague, I’m not interested in anything more than waiting for the page to load so I can say “Close Match”. The night manager of a Seven Eleven could put that down as well as the manager of GameStop. Seriously. 
• Two words: SPELL CHECK
• If you’re in the military, be specific about your rank.
• Don’t tell people that your friends would describe you as “outgoing” and then list that you love to stay in and play video games on most evenings. Really? I wasn’t exactly born yesterday, sparky.
• If you list yourself as physically fit and I see a picture of you that slightly resembles what most fitness magazines would describe as a “before” shot…I’m closing the match. Clearly you’re a liar and completely diluted and no amount of free drinks is worth the time I’d never get back if I actually agreed to meet you in person.
• If you’re in the military and are not open to having a mil-to-mil relationship, you might want to mention that somewhere on your profile.
• Drunk pictures of yourself are for Facebook where people already know you- not for a dating website.

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  The future father of my children...NOT!

  
  

• If you have a child, say so.
• If you have baby-mama-drama, deactivate your profile, unfuck your situation, and then put yourself back out there. NO ONE is interested in your messy drama.
• If you’re allergic to pets, say so. Makes things a whole lot easier when I’m explaining why you may have died to the coroner…while my cats lovingly rub against my leg as we stare at your cold dead body.
• As for your profile picture. Having the EXACT SAME PICTURE- just with 1 in color and 1 in black and white doesn’t count as variety. It also makes me seriously question your choice to list yourself as “adventurous”. Seriously?
• Ok, I know I said to be specific about your job listing. But “high school math teacher”? Really? The only hot ones I remember were the math teachers who also coached football. Soooo unless you have that listed too and legit pictures to prove it, I’m gonna have to go ahead and close the match. You plus me does NOT equal love. Sorry, calculover.
• Posting a picture of you holding your sister’s brand new baby, and writing a caption that reads “Me, sisters, and niece. I was prob a little bit buzzed…squinty eyes and half smile. Haha” what the hell were you thinking? What sane woman would read that and go, “oh my god. That’s the future father of my children! We MUST skip to ehamony mail RIGHTNOW!” 
• Epic list of things a guy named “Karl”, age 29 couldn’t live without: (MnM’s go for the first person to tell me which other rules he broke with this one)
• The things I can't live without are:
•             * My toys
•               * my wealth of usless knowledge
•             * Freedom
•             * freinds
•             * family
• When you list your “occupation” as students/part time pizza delivery, then your little sister is your hero, and you’re 25? Wait…what? Shit. I got nothing.
• So your main [and might I point out: ONLY] picture is of you, wearing suspenders, a metallic tie and you have a unibrow… what the fuck? What are you trying to tell me- that you’re color blind or that you don’t own a pair of tweezers. Either way, NEEEXXTT!!!!
• Ok…let me get this right. You’re cute, you’re a submarine officer, and then I find a picture of you from a trip to San Fransisco. Really? Are YOU sure you know what you’re looking for?
• You’ve listed “Weights/Gym” and “Peanut M&Ms” as things you can’t live without, your occupation is a “High School PE coach”…and yet you don’t have a photo posted? Makes me think those Peanut M&Ms might need to go to the top of your list and also that they might be the REASON you don’t have a pic listed. Put down the bag, fatty, and get back to the weights!
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• When you list the center of your life as your child…why the hell are you on EHarmony? How the hell is a gal supposed to compete with that? First of all, now I know I won’t have that amazing experience of giving you your first child. And now the bitch who did’s brat is the center of your life. Oh geez…
• Your occupation says “Writer” but under “Last book read” you say “Last book I read was a textbook. I wish I read more, but I am just not a big reader. I very much respect those who are able to read, and would love to get back into the swing of things.”….seriously? What exactly do you write about if you don’t read? Never mind, don’t answer that. I mean, I’m not much of a reader either but what the fuck? At least I don’t make something related to that my profession! Stop tainting the world with your uneducated text!!! And when you say that you are looking for someone to look past flaws in someone if they make them happy, does that mean I’m supposed to ignore the fact that your neck basically starts at your chin and balloons out from there or that your eyes look two different directions? No, babe. I won’t be clicking on “View Full Sized Photo”- the small 4x4 is scary enough.
• “Fabricator” is NOT an occupation. It’s a fancy word for “liar”. NEXT!
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• Listing a woman as your absolute best friend and all the amazing things she’s done for you and that she gives great advice on women is NOT OK. If that were true, you would have met someone by now, but you don’t because you two are diluted to think you’re not in love with each other. Clearly she’s giving you just bad enough advice to keep you single and available for dates with her.  And you, my dear, are just dumb enough not to realize any of this. She probably wrote your fucking eharmony dating profile too and convinced your dumb ass that it’s great and the reason he is STILL on here is because none of these silly women can see what she sees. Wakeup and smell the restraining order, dipshit!    
• “Computer Operate” is NOT a job. It’s what I’m doing write now as I read your stupid profile and type this funny little list. Oh, and listing that you’re looking for “A mature person you don’t have to take care of”….what the fuck?
• “Freelance Video Editor” and NO photo listed… yep. I smell a porno-maker!!!
• Occupation: Unemployed. And you won’t list a picture…the chances of me requesting one are about as high as you are. Hence, you don’t have a job or a chance with me.
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• “I’m looking for someone who’s into gaming. I’ve been a gamer all my life.” Offfffff course you have. That’s why you have a bullshit job, and you’re alone at 26…and on EHarmony. Because you can stay logged on to meet your potential gamer match, and keep your games up, and keep chatting with your WoW guild-friends. How’s that?? Well, you savvy gamers have at LEAST 2 computer screens running. "Every day" =D
• Titling a HORRIBLE picture of you looking tired, fat, and unhappy with the caption: "Leaving work, July 2009 (the sun was in my eyes!)" is realllly not helping your case, baby. And then your ONLY OTHER PHOTO is of you from 2007? Just an FYI: it's 201  - A backwards baseball cap? Really? Is that supposed to make me swoon? And that "seductive" face you're trying? Yeah. You look angry. And constipated.  - Titling your "name" as "GdGuy4GdGirl" is "RFS" (really fucking stupid) and you should be "PIBM" (punched in the babymaker). You're a redhead for fuck's sake. At least try to make up for your hideous hair and ginger-like complexion with some intelligence and purpose to your life.  - IF I agree to meet you for dinner, and then your afternoon nap "runs too long" and you don't call me until about 7pm? You better believe I won't answer. Why? Because I'm already eating some delicious Chinese takeout. Should have called in the afternoon to confirm a time and place, jackass. And I'm absolutely going to be a bitch and answer your voice-mail with a text saying "already ate. it's too late." And oh yeah. Don't ask for a reschedule.  

  

  Hello Mansweater

  - Pictures of your face would be great. Pictures of your face looking dumb and confused in an attempt to look seductive or innocent? NOT OK!!!!  - Unless you're Vin Diesel, NEVER WEAR A WIFEBEATER!!!!!  - EHarmony should get rid of their "Send a Smile" button. It's right near the "View All Pictures" button. I don't want to send a smile. I'm looking for new blog material. And then what do you say if you accidentally send someone a smile? Write them an email saying "my bad"? or if they message you just ignore them? way to kill someone's confidence and self esteem! MOVE THE BUTTON!  - Drunk or Hungover pictures where you aren't even looking at the camera are just ridiculous. Seriously? I thought we agreed earlier in this list that these photos are to ATTRACT a girl/guy. NOT disgust them.   - Hating on yourself in a picture with captions like"Another in a long list of proof that I am indeed, not photogenic."is just absurd. Don't you dare think for a second I'm falling for that middle school load of bullshit you just put out there. And really? Do you want pity comments? Cause no one on EH could know you well enough to give a shit if your feelings are hurt.