Hollywood Tacky Wrap.

Lady Gaga, Nicki Manaj, and Ice-T's wife Coco (I'll refer to her as MIT- Mrs.Ice T)... those names conjure up a variety of images filled with color, shapes, and meat. Just roll 'em up for a "Hollywood Tacky Wrap". Similar to the Olsen twins reminding me of little girls playing dress up with Mommy's clothes, LG, NM, and MIT also remind me of girls playing dress up... in a Halloween-meets-Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory kind of world. Yep. I went there. But hey- when you show up in public wearing a dress made of sirloins and t-bones, you've asked for it!

First let's take a look at LG.

Shit. I can't see.

Cats are supposed to find the toy in everything. LG finds the "accessory" in everything. Hair into a bow. Bozo shades likely made of drink coasters from a frat house. Orange skin. A meat dress that could double as a dinner. Just come on down to Norfolk this August and lay down on a sidewalk. You'll be 'well done' in no time! Just don't do it in front of the SPCA building. It might cause some confusion among the newly adopted kittens and puppies on their way out the door. Constantly making a "Vogue" face? No no. That is probably just the confusion and horror you feel at looking the way you do. Personally I'd be thinking "Holy shit. I can't believe that I go in public like this, sing stupid songs, and still manage to make enough money to pay my bills!!!" And then the "egg" arrival. LG, you weren't 'born'. No ma'm. We could see you in there waving. Or where you gasping for air and flagging us for help? Either way, performing arts really takes on a whole new meaning here. PS- I'll take mine medium rare. Thanks!


Next up: NM.

Maybe she's color blind...looking at this, I wish I was.

Yes. All 4 images in that picture are the same woman. Hard to believe. I know. First, she squeezed into all the pantyhose left over from the female contestants on "Biggest Loser". Next, she tried to blend in with her bathroom wallpaper. Very stealth. After that, enter the jewelry box explosion. Her earrings stuck to the dress, and then bracelets were embedded into the hips of the dress. Guess there's no need to accessorize this outfit!!! and Last..um..well. Looks like you made a Lisa Frank folder into a dress, stole Barbie's shoes, and then put cotton candy on your head to 'top off' the outfit. Hey, if you get hungry at least your hair doubles as a snack.

Last one- MIT.

"My what are showing???"

Embarrassingly enough, I've sat through several episodes of "Ice Loves Coco". Mostly it was because I was too comfortable to get up and change the channel. The rest of the reason is what we'll now call "Train Wreck Syndrome"- the inability to look away from absurd behavior due to the extreme entertainment factor. MIT, your husband resembles your dog. You? You're not a bad looking lady. Truly. However let's talk about a few things. Painted on clothes, ENORMOUS fake boobs, orange skin, winged eyeliner, barbie pink lipstick, white hair that's way too long for a 30 year old, black eyebrows, and too much bronzer on top of already-orange skin? YUCK! And every day? Didn't you ever hear the trick of "less is more"? In your defense- you does have some pretty damn fabulous shoes and I love that you came out with a line of clothing for curvy girls. My ass and hips said to tell you "Thanks!"
My favorite Coco moment is when she couldn't decide if she wanted to be her sister's birth coach or not... Coco, dear. The fact that you didn't instantly say yes just shows how unbelievably self centered you are. She's your sister, you pumpkin-colored dummy! Don't ask questions, just be there. This isn't an earth shattering decision despite how you tried to pretend it was and then acted let down when your sister was like "cool, thanks." What did you want? Tears? Shaking, crying, and uncontrollable gratuity? Get over yourself! And p.s.- the baby will come out whether you're there or not. Double p.s.- Alcohol at a baby shower is tacky.

....Thanks, ladies. This HTW is 'Licious'!!!

Fitness Fakers

Tonight we're going to explore the world of Fitness Fakers. Yes, that group of ladies who wear workout gear deliberately yet do not workout. At all.

As I browsed the aisles at the grocery store tonight, a woman kept stepping in front of me with a very confused look on her face. And after giving her a once over, I realized her confusion because if I was her I'd feel exaaaactly the same. There she stood with obviously freshly highlighted hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her face was perfectly made up. This adorable little head of makeup and cute hair was atop a petite figure dressed in black running shorts and a black tank top, standing in white...perfectly white athletic shoes. Then she had a cute little vera bradley hipster bag to top of her outfit. Really gave it that "pop of color" that the adorable stylist on E! always suggests.  

At that point, it occurred to me that she was what I like to call a "Fitness Faker".There wasn't an ounce of evidence that she'd been breaking a sweat in any way shape or form. Not even from her car to the door of the supermarket! 

WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL????

If you worked out, you'd look like this:

In short, try harder. Step FOOT into a gym. Go for a light jog. Give fitness a try! 

Beating a Dead Horse

With a recent outbreak in DUI's within the workplace, management thought it would be a good idea to gather everyone up for some "Straight Talk" about it. I was thinking it might be good idea since a lot of folks don't know the big picture of the repercussions surrounding a DUI. What would have really made sense is to outline the court costs, the job costs, the damages to all involved parties, not to mention the time that the company has to waste telling everyone else not to be a complete dip shit like the people who DO choose to get behind the wheel intoxicated.
HA!

Let's recap what ACTUALLY happened. 5 people got up and talked about losing someone in a DUI accident, or being the one who drank and drove and now their whole life is a mess. All in all, 45 minutes of sob stories. No statistics, no money breakdown, nothing tangible. NOTHING!

I bet you're thinking, "Wow, you are a huge insensitive bitch." Nope. I'm not. I'm a person who absolutely hates having her time wasted. So being forced to sit through 45 minutes of sob stories thanks to some folks who made shitty choices irks the shit out of me.

The definition of crazy is repeating a single action and expecting different results. Every week, we're told not to drink and drive and every week, someone still does. So what good did gathering up everyone for 45 minutes of "this could be you" stories? NONE. It just annoyed people, and wasted time. 

Seriously, though- what is so hard to understand about the message from the law? Take a cab! Walk! Call someone! Argh!!!!!!!

            DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE!!!!!

Kardashian Mania

Fabulous

I am so ashamed to write this post... I officially have my Sailors hooked on every Kardashian show available on E. "Keeping up with the Kardashians", "Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami", and "Kim and Kourtney Take New York." Yep. I did it. Hahaha!!!!!

Facebook

Ah, Facebook. Who doesn't love it? (Yes, a love/hate relationship counts). For many, it's a way to stay current with other folks' lives[or lack thereof] and for others, it's a handy business tool with very cheap advertising. I'm a big lover of Facebook since I live very far away from all my best friends and family and don't get to go back home that often. That is until this morning.

     Signing on this morning, I saw that I'd received a message. Upon retrieval I was surprised to see the sender and even more surprised to see the verbiage. The message was from a guy I'd gone to grade school with. Let's call him Johnny K. He was a great looking guy and all the girls had crushes on him (including me). After 8th grade, though he went to a public high school and I was shoved off to the local Catholic High School for some more quality education. High School, as you may have read in previous posts was not exactly the high point in my life. Luckily for him, he did great! Great enough to peak. In High School. [poor guy!] He played football and baseball, and even dated one of my best girlfriends who was one of the prettiest girls at their High School. I thought he was a still a jerk because...well. He was...until he started abusing her. Between the bruises and psychotic jealousy, he quickly became one of my least favorite people. Ever. It also didn't help that his mother was screwing around with his high school baseball coach to get him play time and every one knew it. Gross, right?

    Now, I haven't actually spoken more than a few sentences to this guy ever in my life. He was THE guy in grade school and high school while I was the skinny, dorky girl who didn't quite fit in with the cool girls in the class. Needless to say I wasn't even a blip on his radar. So after my friend dumped him and slapped him with a restraining order, I happily never saw or heard of him again. Until now- 12 years later.

     Thanks to Facebook, he somehow found me and managed to type out a message reading "Can't accept a friend request?"..........................Um, what?  First of all, what friend request? And second, why would I?? We were never actually friends and I'm really not interested in changing that situation. I don't mean to be a jerk. I just don't see any point in acting like we're friends when we aren't. Why do people we don't care for manage to find us on Facebook and send us a message to the tune of "Why won't you accept my friend request?" or "Hey, it's been a while. You look great. How are you?" or "Hey, we should get together and catch up next time you're in town. When are you free?"Are you that bored since peaking in High School that now you feel the need to start trying to rebuild all the bridges you burned 10 years prior? Or are you looking up the dorky kids in the hopes that maybe they're still dorky so you don't have to feel so bad about not doing much right now?

This would be a good option as well. Right?

     Let's clear a few things up, folks. If you weren't friends with someone in High School (whether you were the jerk or they were), don't look them up 10-20 years later and send messages asking about their well being. It's just annoying and unnecessary. Life moves on and clearly you just didn't make friends or stay friends for a reason. Let it go. Personally, I really hate it because then I wind up recalling shitty experiences of being the awkward kid in school- which then only fuels me to want to send a less than kind response back their way such as these...

MESSAGE 1:

"Why won't you accept my friend request?"

"Because you were never really that nice to me. Ever. Please don't contact me again."

MESSAGE 2:

"Hey, it's been a while. You look great. How are you?"

"I am great and yes, it has been a while. No, I'm not interested in how you're doing. Your stellar choice of a  profile photo is enough to confirm to me that your 'glory days' are receding as quickly as your hairline. However, as I do recall we were never actually friends so please don't contact me again."

MESSAGE 3: 

"Hey, we should get together and catch up next time you're in town. When are you free?"

"No, we shouldn't. Please don't contact me again."



...I wonder which message that Mrs. K will send to the baseball coach?