Moo

During my time overseas, the only good thing to eat on a regular basis was cake. This lead to creating what I like to call "The Fatty List". I really don't need to explain this...at least I hope not.

1.1. …You love cake

2.2 …You have a whole plate of spaghetti and a huge piece of cake and you get called out on the blow pop in your pocket.

3.3. …You’re licking the icing off the plate from your SECOND piece of cake after lunch.

4.4. …You eat a light lunch JUST TO SAVE room for dessert.

5.5. …Fatties brag about the candy they scarfed down for breakfast..

6.6. …Fatties utilize the pockets in their shirts to hold ice cream cups.

7.7. …Fatties greet other fatties with a cheerful “Moo”…usually because they’re on a sugar buzz.

8.8. …You bend the bar for the swing on the playground.

9.9. …you can be heard coming to meet another fatty before she sees you.

10.10. …you have a whole drawer in your desk solely devoted to snacks.

11.11. …you bring a fellow fatty a delicious Starbucks beverage only to realize they’ve already gotten themselves one. Silly you- fatties think alike!

12.12. …You steal cake from a cook walking through the pway with an uncovered Halloween cake. Silly CS3 Furst- didn’t he know he was in Fattyville? Uncovered yummy treats WILL be requisitioned!

13.13. …You almost choke on an MnM that goes down your throat as you dump an entire snack-sized bag of MnM’s in your mouth.

14.14. …you’re busted for inhaling too many MnM’s not because of your chocolate breath, but because your tongue and lips have turned a different color.

15.15. …you know that life is infinitely better with a sugar buzz.

16.16. …the circles at the top of this slide make you want MnM’s.

17.17. …you eat TWO pieces of your own birthday cake because it’s just that good!

18.18. ….mid chicken nugget you see a cookie that you have been craving and suddenly the nugget is no longer needed….or remembered.

19.19. ...you sit down in your chair first thing in the morning only to find the torn off corner of an MnM bag from the day before…or was it two days before?

20.20. …when you use the reference “throwing in the spoon” instead of “throwing in the towel” at Marble Slab when the HUGE ice cream you ordered completely kicks your ass. 

21. …the waitress at the Japanese restaurant gives you a judgmental look when you give her your order then ask to keep the menu in case you want one more order of sushi.

22. …you get so excited at the sight of a Krispy Kreme that you almost crawl out of the window of the cab at the next stoplight.

23. …you invent the “little fat girl dance” and perform it as you excitedly bounce through the door of the Marble Slab.

24. …you have morning moo-hair, also known as a cowlick.

25. …you’re scarfing down a delicious cookie from the Wardroom as ‘breakfast’ and starting to feel guilty about the less-than-healthy choice, when you spot a sailor across the mess decks standing near the ice cream machines while scarfing down a 3 Musketeers bar with the same excited-yet-feeling-slightly-guilty look on his face that you have. Who cares that it’s 0840? We all know that life is better with a sugar buzz J

26. …you celebrate great news with fellow fatties by announcing “Celebratory MnM’s for ALL!!!” as you whip out your huge variety bag of snack-sized MnM bags!!!!

27. …you select the Oreos closest to the bottom of the vending machine because it’s less likely that they’ll break once they fall down for you to enjoy.

28. …you find a way to include “moo” into your daily lingo.

29. …making someone else’s birthday cake is going to benefit yourself more than the birthday boy.

30. …you cause ‘dessert envy’ among fellow shipmates due to the enormous brownie you scored from the Galley that you’ve now added to the ‘cookies and cream’ ice cream that was put out at dinner.

31. …you invite yourself to someone else’s reenlistment and swear to know them just to get some of their yummy cake!

32. …you can now be deemed a “reenlistment crasher” J

33. …stealing chocolate from people is no longer a game; it’s a mission.

34. …you realize that Ney Inspectors deserve cake, which means the crew will get cake, which means YOU will get cake. YAY! On the mess decks you find an enormous cake and excitedly moo to a fellow fatty about this cake- first by email, then by phone from the mess decks. Then, after snapping some photos of this delicious looking cake you realize that you’re grazing about the cake is drawing attention. So you quickly dart back into your office to find out the exact time of the cake cutting so you can be ready and moo-ing J

35. …you have more pictures of cakes on your phone than you do of people, let alone your own husband. HA!

36. …the word “MOO” suddenly replaces any adjectives related to fooooood.

37. …you can “name that chocolate” by description of the package.

38. …you unknowingly write “moo” on notes to other people, and a fellow fatty busts you! Ha!

39. …the highlight of your day is sending and receiving pictures of fat people…fatter than you!

40. …you are thirsty from the Monster Express you downed during the snoozer of a RAS brief. So you brave the “gorilla’s ass smell” radiating from the ice cream room and head in there in search of bottled water. As you fling open the refer door, eyes stinging, there you see it. Not the delicious chilled water you were looking for. No no, you found that. You see the boxes of candy bars and tubs of ice cream. Before you die from the smell, you quickly grab a Kit Kat with your water and dart out of the room. After all, you deserve a treat for braving that smell! 41. …LCDR’s drop off entire boxes of s’more flavored poptarts in your office and then just leave. No explanation- just generous donation J

42. …“It tastes like cake?? I like cake”

43. …Fatties trip on knee knockers on the way to PT…fail!

44. …Fatties have a pastry in line while dishing up their dinner…

45. …True Fatties wish they hadn’t eaten that snickers for breakfast and instead saved it for dessert…oh well, I’ll go get another one!

46. …Fatties have to police themselves to eat all their food when they know all they really want is that chocolate cake at the end….MMMM  CAAAKE!

47. ..Fatties hit up starbucks within an hour of a workout…and then salivate at the kit kat bar CS1 McDavis is eating.

48. …Fatties get called out at zone inspection

49. …Fatties would rather nap then workout.

50. …Fatties use candy stores as landmarks to navigate shopping malls.

51. …Old fatties reminisce about eating play-doh

52. …Fatties think that play-doh looks like cake frosting…mmmm…caaaakke!

53. …My chocolate lip gloss and peppermint gum tastes like my favorite Girl Scout cookie…without the fat. Fatties take precaution.

54. …Fatties have ESP, wanting to bring each other Starbucks drinks, but then realize that the other Fattie has already acquired a delicious fattening cup of liquid heaven.

55. …Fat Kids are startled by the thought of working out while indulging in ice cream.

56. …This fatty can’t wait to see my 1 year anniversary to eat the rest of my wedding cake….MMM CAKE!

57. …The Fattest Fatties know that with a simple switch of 2 letters “good afternoon” becomes “Good ‘Fat’ernoon”!

58. …Sweet tooth Fatties don’t care if the Reese’s Cup is melted. All they really want is the peanut butter.

59. …Fatties must QA all desserts for the Wardroom…

60. …Sometimes Fatties test out their lazy fatty skills and send a “Go-fer” to the wardroom to get them ice cream during meal hours. Only to find that another fellow fatty was eating dinner….what a surprise.

 

61. …Fatties find Reeses Cup wrappers stuck to their PT towels as they pull one out on their way to PT. =D

62. …Normal people flaunt their shiny new cars and diamond rings…Fatties flaunt a big bag of the latest Pretzel M&M’s

63. …Fatties watch college football, cheer loudly, and have a celebratory Kit Kat when their team wins- because the wrapper is a team color, and because they want chocolate

64. …Unfortunately Sweet tooth fatties will do anything for a sugar fix; even mix up some Blue Raspberry Hydroxycut in a bottle. I know it TOTALLY goes against what we believe in; but I needed some sugar.

65. …Fatties think of other fatties instantly when they see the Re-Enlistment cake for the month.

66. …“I don’t see anyone” – “Don’t worry, you will hear her before you see her” LMAO!! Fatty!!!!

67. …you send Moo messages via man toy.

68. …you say things like, “blueberry muffins…Better than blueberry pancakes”

69. …you lick the top of a cake just because someone else wanted it.

70. …you skip over to the dessert table with a fork in hand already.

71. …you finish half your cake before you even dish up your dinner J

72. …you give a shout out to a CS for baking delicious cakes BEFORE you compliment her shoes, while you’re hosting TRUMAN Idol.

73. …another fatty catches you chewing gum in formation while you’re waiting to get your ESWS pin because the pinning ceremony occurred when you should have been feeding, however, you must ignore those pangs of hunger and focus on the task at hand.

74. …your Boat Husband brings you a stuffed cow because he knows how much you like them and they remind you of your fellow Moo friends.

75. …you are looking at pictures of your friend’s wedding from last year and realize there’s more pictures of the food and the name of the restaurant than of the bride and groom.

76. …your lunch partners are based solely on who is going the soonest.

77. …you happily devour two desserts at Thanksgiving dinner without batting an eyelash.

78. …you fight about who will be baking the dessert at your family’s “Little Christmas” dinner. Of course YOU will make the dessert!!! You’re the resident expert on the perfect moistness of a cake, and the creaminess of frosting. Silly Grandma and her thoughts that she would make dessert!

79. …you keep asking a fellow Fatty when her re-enlistment is. It’s been too long since you’ve had a delicious piece of Re-Enlistment cake and that problem MUST be solved ASAP!!!!!

80. …You are 2 months away from your own promotion and are already planning out the menu for your little reception.

81. …You put the Fit Boss in charge of getting you a piece of cake because you’re far too busy to stand in line. As you come back into the office, he is there inhaling his cake and there’s none for you. So you just walk over, and start eating the icing he’s ignoring. Finally he gives up and hands you the last bite of the cake and the rest of the icing. Fit Boss 0 – Fatty 1 J

82. …you check the Green Sheet, not for the day’s schedule, but for the exact time of cake cutting. Then you email your fellow Fatties and click “High Importance” on the email before sending it. Of course it’s important. Cake is a priority. Always.

83. …your breakfast consists of noodles in a cup and then gets interrupted by a delicious looking doughnut. Lunch is a bag of chips 3 chocolate chip cookies and dinner is in an hour…hmmm I wonder what is for dinner.