Who NOT to pick for "What Not To Wear"

That swim suit is being punished. Along with my eyes.

 

"What Not to Wear" is a fantastic show where horribly dressed people get shown the error of their ways, and given $5,000 to fix it. Yes, that's right. FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!! PLUS they get a free haircut & color and a makeup artist shows them how to NOT look like crap. Now being a Christian woman, I'm very supportive of charities for worthy causes and quite frankly, someone's horrible choice in clothing certainly is a worthy cause to me. First, because it offends my eyes. They didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't have to look at such an atrocity on a daily basis. And second, because most folks can't afford to just drop a few grand to revamp their wardrobe on a minute's notice so a little help is always nice. More good karma should be put into the world. That's why [barring really bad service] I always over-tip.

While this all sounds wonderful, there's just a teeny little problem I have with the show's creators..or whoever is in charge of selecting the lucky person to be featured on each episode.

WHY DO YOU PICK THE MOST UNBELIEVABLY UNGRATEFUL SELFISH PEOPLE TO GET $5000 WORTH OF NEW CLOTHES????????????

Seriously!!! It's unfair! The latest episode I watched featured a woman who actually worked at a textile company in the design department, yet she couldn't dress her way out of a paper bag. She's in her 40's, a little heavy set, and thought that white socks, clogs, dumpy shirts, & brightly colored patterned leggings were a good idea for daily wear. Those should only be found on thin, attractive women... and ONLY on October 31st of each year. The tights weren't the worst part, believe it or not. It was actually her attitude. All she did was complain. The whole time. About how everything she picked out to try on looked awful on her. Gee, I'm so sorry, ma'am. That $5000 shopping spree you've been given must really be stressing you out! What a horrible thing to have to burden?! Poor thing...

Keep telling yourself that.

Well, of COURSE all your choices look like shit on you! That's kinda why you're on this show in the first place. You can't even dress yourself with YOUR clothes so thinking that putting on more expensive threads will suddenly make you a size 6 and well dressed is just absurd! And don't even try to blame the store for not carrying the right size or style of clothing for you. No. Just no.

Step 1- know your body type. (pear shaped, busty, no curves, etc.) 

Step 2- know your color pallet. (pale skin + pale shades= bad choice.). 

Step 3-dress for your age. (not the age you wish you were.)

This will make ALL the difference in the world in keeping you looking put together, professional, and attractive.

So who should the producers select for this show? 

A DESERVING, GRATEFUL, PRODUCTIVE 

MEMBER OF SOCIETY!!!  

     Perhaps a new Mom looking to dress for her newly changed body. Maybe someone from the Biggest Loser who doesn't have anything smaller than a camping tent to wear to work. A college graduate who can't afford a professional wardrobe to go out and interview in. A military service member just back from a long deployment. (they defended our country so you, Stacey and Clinton, should protect my eyes!)

 

 

Is Closure REALLY What You Want?

     In life, we have experiences that shape us into the people we are at this very moment. Good or bad, we learn lessons. And it's up to us to accept the lessons into our lives and become our "best self" or stow the knowledge for later contemplation. So what's up with this thing referred to as closure? Is it really what we need or what we think we need?

     Kim Catrall was featured on "Who do you think you are", a television show about discovering mysteries in families. She had never met her grandfather because he left her grandmother after 10 years of marriage, never to be heard from again. Apparently, he wanted to move away and she didn't want to leave England and her family behind. So one day, he was just gone.  She was forced to raise three girls on her own with no help from his family. What Kim discovered after much research and meeting new relatives was that within a year, he was re-married, had two more children, and carted them off to Australia to live. There, he and his new wife had a 3rd child and lived there until he died in 1970. She was able to find photographs of him to show to her mother and aunts- who had no memory of what their father looked like or who he was. All they knew is that Dad left and never looked back. Watching their faces as they looked at his face, with their half-brother and sisters was unexplainable. The sad part, to me, was that it really didn't mend the traumatic heartbreak that Kim's grandmother bore from having her husband abandon her and their 3 daughters after 10 years together.

     So which was worse? No answer? Or knowing you were abandoned for another woman?

     I admire the women of this family for having the strength to handle the truth of the matter. After the show aired, Kim's grandmother, mother, and aunts have been in contact with their half brother and sisters in Australia. How amazing is that?

     Me?  I wouldn't want to know. After 26 years of living, it's my personal belief that if we allow people who hurt us to have power over us even after they're gone, we'll never heal. It's a vicious cycle [often hard to break] that can hold us back from allowing people into our hearts that will never leave, and will love us just as we are.

SSB Part I

SSB PART I.

SSB- (Secret Single Behavior) verb. Definition: actions or lifestyle choices that only apply to those who live alone, are not in a relationship, or both. This is behavior we may never demonstrate to a potential mate for fear of judgment, abandonment, etc.

Eating over the sink, not owning a dining room table, never closing the bathroom door…these are all forms of what is commonly referred to as SSB. While ‘In Between Relationships’ (IBR) or Dating Droubts (“DD’s” for short), we sink back into our habits formed while without a significant other. I would say that even a roommate can send these little behaviors into hiding, but for yours truly it’s really not the case. With two male roommates, I happily eat my Chinese take-out in my bed while enjoying reruns of old tv shows on my 20” beast-of-a-box-tv. Yes, even this TV is my SSB. It never occurred to me that my TV was old or small until I brought a date home last summer and he asked “where are the binoculars? Your tv is so small!!!”. It was then that I realized it was time for an upgrade…at some point. Of course, that was delayed thanks to my roommate purchasing a 58” BEAST of a flat screen for our living room. I swear, the homeless guys in the parking lot across the street could probably see the picture on this thing! What else does a guy’s SSB include? Well let’s see…

Guy SSB includes:

- leaving clothing and shoes right-where-they-took-them-off(dining room, bathroom, etc.)

- not flushing, peeing with the door open

- sitting on the couch in boxers

- playing PSP for 6+ consecutive hours

- drinking to excess in the middle of the day

- purchasing groceries ‘as-needed’ instead of planning trips that will last for a few weeks.

- not cooking anything more complicated than toast or soup.

- bringing home random women and having loud sex

- not paying utility bills until the service is cut off

- owning more PSP games than movies

- not owning a real bed…just a mattress on the floor. Box-spring optional.

- not actually owning any real furniture. Just college dorm leftovers.

- using as little light/electricity as possible at any given moment, and preventing anyone else from wasting it by unscrewing light bulbs and unplugging electronics and appliances.

- spending an obscene amount of money on a fancy blue ray player and surround sound, but then wiring it up so that even Houdini couldn’t figure it out on the first try.

- watching Toy Story at top volume WITH surround sound at 1130pm when roommates have to get up for work the next day.

- leaving beer bottles in the shower

- not owning air-freshener for the bathroom or home/apartment

- inviting people over for a dinner party that their SES of the week will actually set up and break down. This duty also includes the ‘awesome’ DS she’ll have later with said guy. (“Self Esteem Susie” to be discussed in a later post.)

- not cleaning the apartment until his mother shows up and immediately dons rubber gloves because her “poor baby shouldn’t live like this!!”

- not owning a coffee pot, just a Keireg single-cup coffee maker because he thinks this makes him look more sophisticated to the FSG’s he brings over and. Truth: he’s just lazy, not fancy!

- having posters…and hanging them on the wall with scotch tape

- never making the bed

- wearing the first clean thing they see on top of the “clean pile”. To hell with color/pattern coordination.

- not owning a real winter coat. Just a ‘trendy’ windbreaker with some athletic or team logo. “Coats are for pussies.”

- owning more condoms than he’ll actually ever go through in a year, and by the time he needs them, they’re expired.

- not owning any dress-clothes (not always true, but more often then not). Besides, what’s wrong with jeans and polished Bates’?

- using the trunk of his car and possibly the oven as “storage”.

- still owning a lava-lamp (over 1yr old) that came in a box that SAID “red” but turned out to be pink.

- identifying with Entourage because it’s “deep”.

- thinking some sort of pasta dish and red wine constitutes a fancy enough dinner to seduce a FSG, but realizing those amateur culinary skills are best saved for the SES’s they go out with IBR’s. An FSG knows better.

- investing a lot of money to stock a “mini bar” to look “sophisticated” to guests and dates. Fixing me a top shelf mohito to sip on while I lounge in your camping chairs arranged in front of your 58” flat screen…please.

-  not owning dishes that feed more than 4 people…or none at all- just some plastic-ware to pair up with your grandmother’s hand-me-down silverware.

- “artfully” arranging 4 months worth of Playboy magazines on the back of the toilet or on the coffee table. Then adding a Yankee “mandle” (manly smelling candle) to add some ‘class’ to the mix.

- finding a roommate with a completely well-furnished apartment, splurging to furnish your room, and then passing off the whole set-up as your own to dates.

- owning an expensive car (sometimes)

- filling the freezer with booze, (if no mini bar is possible) making grocery shopping pointless because none of the food would fit anyway.
- living in a bedroom without a door.
- owning a couch that apparently smells of cigarettes because it was purchased at a flea market.
- sleeping on an airmattress for 7 months before breaking down to buy a bed. 

- refusing to let go of any of these behaviors until he realizes that he’ll never score an FG (Fabulous Girlfriend) unless he does… or hanging onto his absurdity and settling for an SES while secretly pining for an FG.

…coming soon: Part II: Girl SSB.

Dating Website 101

***506 matches since Oct 2010. 0 dates. C'mon EH!!! I did better without you! Can I have my $$ back now?***

Being new to the online match-making scene- I formulated a little list of some things that crossed my mind as I received [and closed] matches...enjoy! I am not even on EHarmony to meet people anymore. I gave up on that after the one person that I actually talked on the phone to invited me to get on Skype...and then asked me to take off my clothes. DONE! This shit is just the most expensive entertainment ever. I'm almost going to be sad when my membership expires in April. If only I could make enough from my "Ad Sense" here on my blog to pay back my membership fee TO Eharmony. Then I'd have gotten tons of blog material for free but for now, this is expensive so read read read!!!!!!!

• POST PICTURES! No picture, no communication.
• Don’t post pictures of you and another girl snuggled up unless she is 100% cropped out. I don’t care how hot YOU look, If I can still see ½ her face, NEXT!!!
• Actually, don’t put ANY pictures of you and a female together unless you’re related…by blood. The last thing I really want to see is you cozied up to some banging chick and have to ASSUME she’s a relative. I’m looking to date you- not you and 5 chicks.
• Don’t list your most influential person in your life as Bill Gates because he “provided you with your iPod”. If you had any brain cells, you’d know that Steve Jobs is the founder of Apple, who oh-by-the-way makes the iPod and other fantastic Apple products. And Bill Gates is just an ugly nerd with lots of money and no women.
• If you are pale, don’t take a photo of yourself with the camera approximately 5” away from your face with the flash on. It reminds me of the movie Powder. Pale is not the new sexy. I don’t need to see your pores.
• If you are tired, don’t take a picture of it and put it on a dating website. The point of posting photos of you is to ATTRACT a mate, not scare potentials OFF.
• Under “Occupation”   be specific. If you put “Supervisor”, I’m going to think you’re a fucking liar. It’s too easy and vague and if you’re going to start things off being vague, I’m not interested in anything more than waiting for the page to load so I can say “Close Match”. The night manager of a Seven Eleven could put that down as well as the manager of GameStop. Seriously. 
• Two words: SPELL CHECK
• If you’re in the military, be specific about your rank.
• Don’t tell people that your friends would describe you as “outgoing” and then list that you love to stay in and play video games on most evenings. Really? I wasn’t exactly born yesterday, sparky.
• If you list yourself as physically fit and I see a picture of you that slightly resembles what most fitness magazines would describe as a “before” shot…I’m closing the match. Clearly you’re a liar and completely diluted and no amount of free drinks is worth the time I’d never get back if I actually agreed to meet you in person.
• If you’re in the military and are not open to having a mil-to-mil relationship, you might want to mention that somewhere on your profile.
• Drunk pictures of yourself are for Facebook where people already know you- not for a dating website.

• 

  The future father of my children...NOT!

  
  

• If you have a child, say so.
• If you have baby-mama-drama, deactivate your profile, unfuck your situation, and then put yourself back out there. NO ONE is interested in your messy drama.
• If you’re allergic to pets, say so. Makes things a whole lot easier when I’m explaining why you may have died to the coroner…while my cats lovingly rub against my leg as we stare at your cold dead body.
• As for your profile picture. Having the EXACT SAME PICTURE- just with 1 in color and 1 in black and white doesn’t count as variety. It also makes me seriously question your choice to list yourself as “adventurous”. Seriously?
• Ok, I know I said to be specific about your job listing. But “high school math teacher”? Really? The only hot ones I remember were the math teachers who also coached football. Soooo unless you have that listed too and legit pictures to prove it, I’m gonna have to go ahead and close the match. You plus me does NOT equal love. Sorry, calculover.
• Posting a picture of you holding your sister’s brand new baby, and writing a caption that reads “Me, sisters, and niece. I was prob a little bit buzzed…squinty eyes and half smile. Haha” what the hell were you thinking? What sane woman would read that and go, “oh my god. That’s the future father of my children! We MUST skip to ehamony mail RIGHTNOW!” 
• Epic list of things a guy named “Karl”, age 29 couldn’t live without: (MnM’s go for the first person to tell me which other rules he broke with this one)
• The things I can't live without are:
•             * My toys
•               * my wealth of usless knowledge
•             * Freedom
•             * freinds
•             * family
• When you list your “occupation” as students/part time pizza delivery, then your little sister is your hero, and you’re 25? Wait…what? Shit. I got nothing.
• So your main [and might I point out: ONLY] picture is of you, wearing suspenders, a metallic tie and you have a unibrow… what the fuck? What are you trying to tell me- that you’re color blind or that you don’t own a pair of tweezers. Either way, NEEEXXTT!!!!
• Ok…let me get this right. You’re cute, you’re a submarine officer, and then I find a picture of you from a trip to San Fransisco. Really? Are YOU sure you know what you’re looking for?
• You’ve listed “Weights/Gym” and “Peanut M&Ms” as things you can’t live without, your occupation is a “High School PE coach”…and yet you don’t have a photo posted? Makes me think those Peanut M&Ms might need to go to the top of your list and also that they might be the REASON you don’t have a pic listed. Put down the bag, fatty, and get back to the weights!
• 
• When you list the center of your life as your child…why the hell are you on EHarmony? How the hell is a gal supposed to compete with that? First of all, now I know I won’t have that amazing experience of giving you your first child. And now the bitch who did’s brat is the center of your life. Oh geez…
• Your occupation says “Writer” but under “Last book read” you say “Last book I read was a textbook. I wish I read more, but I am just not a big reader. I very much respect those who are able to read, and would love to get back into the swing of things.”….seriously? What exactly do you write about if you don’t read? Never mind, don’t answer that. I mean, I’m not much of a reader either but what the fuck? At least I don’t make something related to that my profession! Stop tainting the world with your uneducated text!!! And when you say that you are looking for someone to look past flaws in someone if they make them happy, does that mean I’m supposed to ignore the fact that your neck basically starts at your chin and balloons out from there or that your eyes look two different directions? No, babe. I won’t be clicking on “View Full Sized Photo”- the small 4x4 is scary enough.
• “Fabricator” is NOT an occupation. It’s a fancy word for “liar”. NEXT!
• 
• Listing a woman as your absolute best friend and all the amazing things she’s done for you and that she gives great advice on women is NOT OK. If that were true, you would have met someone by now, but you don’t because you two are diluted to think you’re not in love with each other. Clearly she’s giving you just bad enough advice to keep you single and available for dates with her.  And you, my dear, are just dumb enough not to realize any of this. She probably wrote your fucking eharmony dating profile too and convinced your dumb ass that it’s great and the reason he is STILL on here is because none of these silly women can see what she sees. Wakeup and smell the restraining order, dipshit!    
• “Computer Operate” is NOT a job. It’s what I’m doing write now as I read your stupid profile and type this funny little list. Oh, and listing that you’re looking for “A mature person you don’t have to take care of”….what the fuck?
• “Freelance Video Editor” and NO photo listed… yep. I smell a porno-maker!!!
• Occupation: Unemployed. And you won’t list a picture…the chances of me requesting one are about as high as you are. Hence, you don’t have a job or a chance with me.
• 
• “I’m looking for someone who’s into gaming. I’ve been a gamer all my life.” Offfffff course you have. That’s why you have a bullshit job, and you’re alone at 26…and on EHarmony. Because you can stay logged on to meet your potential gamer match, and keep your games up, and keep chatting with your WoW guild-friends. How’s that?? Well, you savvy gamers have at LEAST 2 computer screens running. "Every day" =D
• Titling a HORRIBLE picture of you looking tired, fat, and unhappy with the caption: "Leaving work, July 2009 (the sun was in my eyes!)" is realllly not helping your case, baby. And then your ONLY OTHER PHOTO is of you from 2007? Just an FYI: it's 201  - A backwards baseball cap? Really? Is that supposed to make me swoon? And that "seductive" face you're trying? Yeah. You look angry. And constipated.  - Titling your "name" as "GdGuy4GdGirl" is "RFS" (really fucking stupid) and you should be "PIBM" (punched in the babymaker). You're a redhead for fuck's sake. At least try to make up for your hideous hair and ginger-like complexion with some intelligence and purpose to your life.  - IF I agree to meet you for dinner, and then your afternoon nap "runs too long" and you don't call me until about 7pm? You better believe I won't answer. Why? Because I'm already eating some delicious Chinese takeout. Should have called in the afternoon to confirm a time and place, jackass. And I'm absolutely going to be a bitch and answer your voice-mail with a text saying "already ate. it's too late." And oh yeah. Don't ask for a reschedule.  

  

  Hello Mansweater

  - Pictures of your face would be great. Pictures of your face looking dumb and confused in an attempt to look seductive or innocent? NOT OK!!!!  - Unless you're Vin Diesel, NEVER WEAR A WIFEBEATER!!!!!  - EHarmony should get rid of their "Send a Smile" button. It's right near the "View All Pictures" button. I don't want to send a smile. I'm looking for new blog material. And then what do you say if you accidentally send someone a smile? Write them an email saying "my bad"? or if they message you just ignore them? way to kill someone's confidence and self esteem! MOVE THE BUTTON!  - Drunk or Hungover pictures where you aren't even looking at the camera are just ridiculous. Seriously? I thought we agreed earlier in this list that these photos are to ATTRACT a girl/guy. NOT disgust them.   - Hating on yourself in a picture with captions like"Another in a long list of proof that I am indeed, not photogenic."is just absurd. Don't you dare think for a second I'm falling for that middle school load of bullshit you just put out there. And really? Do you want pity comments? Cause no one on EH could know you well enough to give a shit if your feelings are hurt.          

3 Days Before Christmas

My first hour back in the United States was glorious. After spending over 1/2 a year overseas, I learned to appreciate the smaller, more simple things about life. For example- 3 ply toilet paper, orange juice at any moment in the day, Dunkin Donuts coffee, alcohol, something other-than-chicken for every meal...you get my jist. I was excited beyond words as I walked down the brow in a complete daze, leaving the ship far behind me. Had there not been a crowd of hundreds of families, plus several news cameras, I probably would have done a little dance mixed in with obscene hand gestures. However, I maintained my bearing and simply walked down the pier towards the parking lot. As I walked, all these people were smiling, crying, wildly waving their marker and glitter covered posters, waving little American flags, and shouting "thank you!" and "welcome home!" It was surreal. At some point before I got to the end of the pier, I started to have an out of body experience. I turned and looked up at the ship, my home for last year, and felt like I was doing something wrong by leaving. however...since my 'give-a-shit' fell overboard back in May, I just kept walking. That brief flash of guilt was washed away knowing I would be in my cozy apartment in less than an hour.
What I was not ready for was the stellar event that was coming at me- my first trip to McDonalds since April. Ok, let's rephrase that. I was ready- but McDonalds was not. After discovering that my phone would call anyone OTHER than my ride home, I borrowed a phone and told him to meet me at McDonalds. I cheerfully repositioned my belongings and began my victory march toward those golden arches. Through the parkinglot I strode, briskly weaving in between cars, beaming my plastered-on-smile. As I walked up the steps, I could almost smell the coffee and taste the biscuits. I went in, dropped my things, and got in line. Much to my horror, the cashier flipped the menu and announced that breakfast was over. No juice, no buttery biscuits with eggs and cheese, no hashbrowns in a grease soaked wrapper. Suffice to say, I was crushed. Quickly, I thought that I'd be ok with a burger, fries, and coke. At least it wasn't chicken. Another line opened up, and I stepped over to place my order for a high-calorie-yet-much-missed-American staple meal. Unfortunately an older, round couple made it to the counter first. Yes, they were round and clearly fast food was a staple of their large existence. No big deal, or so I thought. My dreams of a quick snack while waiting were slowly destroyed as the woman placed an order for at least 10 meals, all with specific instructions that resembled Meg Ryan's character out of "When Harry Met Sally". During that time, as my rage built up, I realized that McDonalds was out of soda and only had blue powerade and water to drink. Blue powerade will never enter my body again. Not after a 12 week diet of it at one point in my life. This was it. Before I screamed at the woman and ordered her into the galley to make the fucking food herself, I walked away. I had to. My rage was about to spill over and she would be the lucky recipient of a bountiful helping. I gave up and just stifled my hunger induced rage to go sit down and wait for the roommate. We will now refer to him as RM. Finally he showed up and the one thing that salvaged my day was not the sight of someone familiar, it was driving his brand spanking new Mercedes complete with seat heaters all the way home.
Yay America!