What’s the name? It’s called: “My Kid Is Gonna Be A Star”. What image pops in to your head? A sobbing 4 year old wearing more makeup than a Vegas show girl with an overweight mother sitting next to her wearing a disappointed expression. What actually came on the screen were a series of rode-hard-put-up-wet looking bleached blonde or poofy-haired brunette moms in their 30s declaring [with misty eyes] to the camera that “my daughter WILL be the star I never was.” It’s a family therapist’s opportunity to RETIRE from the amount of money they could make off these psychos. This is so ridiculous. So let’s peel back the layers and take a look at what’s actually going on here:
- Mom was a failure at being the performer she always wanted to be. Some of them had a Mom who pushed them. The others had unsupportive mothers so they are bound and determined to support their daughter in her journey to star-dom-whether she wants it or not.
- Where’s Dad?? NONE of these Mom & Daughter duos seem to be including the Dad, yet they have all the money in the world to pay for trainers, coaches, etc. So how is this? Well, the Dad is probably busy… with another woman. Mom doesn’t notice OR doesn’t care because she’s too busy spending his money and living out her dream through her daughter, which he gladly hands over because he’ll do whatever it takes to keep her happy so she won’t divorce him and demand alimony plus child support. Then he won’t have to commit to the DG or SES he’s screwing on the side, yet he still has the picture perfect family to post pictures of at work to save face. But believe you me that Dad makes it to every show and competition.
- The kid- she (cause all I’ve seen are little girls) just wants to have fun and be a kid! Despite Mom scrutinizing their every dance move and musical note with more meanness than Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest”, these little girls just keep going and keep competing. Between the ridiculous costumes and comical routines that look like complete spastic attacks, and their inability to nail the 2nd turn in a routine even Britney would scoff at – I want to punch these Moms. And call social services.
What will happen later in their life? Since they never had time to mingle with other children and develop valuable social skills, these little girls will be outcasts. They won’t have close girlfriends because their whole time growing up, Mom always told them to treat other girls as the competition. Then they’ll turn to promiscuity and drinking to feel good about themselves and get boys to like them. A lot of these girls are going to wind up quitting and turning Goth because their Moms will hate them anyway for not living out their dream. Others will have mental breakdowns and become anorexic or develop some kind of eating disorder. Some will succeed and go on to dance at prestigious schools and become teachers or famous performers. You can also count on lots of these girls becoming cheerleaders and gymnasts which might actually help pay their way through college because Mom and Dad went broke putting her through these dance lessons as a kid.
How? How am I such a genius with such insight? I’m from the South. The Deep South. The land of women with poofy bleached out blonde hair, long fake nails, tight clothing, pushy-pageant-moms, thick accents, too much perfume, married to their high school or college boyfriends, then they ‘moved back home to settle down and live like their parents did.’ Maybe at their baby showers they should register for dance lessons and vocal lessons which they’ll start cashing in on their daughter’s 3rd birthday. Just watch out for wire hangars and Comet bathroom cleaner…On a scary note: Tonya Harding is pregnant. My word of advice to her future classmates? Make friends with her daughter, always let her win every game you play, and never walk in front of her.
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