SSB PART I.
SSB- (Secret Single Behavior) verb. Definition: actions or lifestyle choices that only apply to those who live alone, are not in a relationship, or both. This is behavior we may never demonstrate to a potential mate for fear of judgment, abandonment, etc.
Eating over the sink, not owning a dining room table, never closing the bathroom door…these are all forms of what is commonly referred to as SSB. While ‘In Between Relationships’ (IBR) or Dating Droubts (“DD’s” for short), we sink back into our habits formed while without a significant other. I would say that even a roommate can send these little behaviors into hiding, but for yours truly it’s really not the case. With two male roommates, I happily eat my Chinese take-out in my bed while enjoying reruns of old tv shows on my 20” beast-of-a-box-tv. Yes, even this TV is my SSB. It never occurred to me that my TV was old or small until I brought a date home last summer and he asked “where are the binoculars? Your tv is so small!!!”. It was then that I realized it was time for an upgrade…at some point. Of course, that was delayed thanks to my roommate purchasing a 58” BEAST of a flat screen for our living room. I swear, the homeless guys in the parking lot across the street could probably see the picture on this thing! What else does a guy’s SSB include? Well let’s see…
Guy SSB includes:
- leaving clothing and shoes right-where-they-took-them-off(dining room, bathroom, etc.)
- not flushing, peeing with the door open
- sitting on the couch in boxers
- playing PSP for 6+ consecutive hours
- drinking to excess in the middle of the day
- purchasing groceries ‘as-needed’ instead of planning trips that will last for a few weeks.
- not cooking anything more complicated than toast or soup.
- bringing home random women and having loud sex
- not paying utility bills until the service is cut off
- owning more PSP games than movies
- not owning a real bed…just a mattress on the floor. Box-spring optional.
- not actually owning any real furniture. Just college dorm leftovers.
- using as little light/electricity as possible at any given moment, and preventing anyone else from wasting it by unscrewing light bulbs and unplugging electronics and appliances.
- spending an obscene amount of money on a fancy blue ray player and surround sound, but then wiring it up so that even Houdini couldn’t figure it out on the first try.
- watching Toy Story at top volume WITH surround sound at 1130pm when roommates have to get up for work the next day.
- leaving beer bottles in the shower
- not owning air-freshener for the bathroom or home/apartment
- inviting people over for a dinner party that their SES of the week will actually set up and break down. This duty also includes the ‘awesome’ DS she’ll have later with said guy. (“Self Esteem Susie” to be discussed in a later post.)
- not cleaning the apartment until his mother shows up and immediately dons rubber gloves because her “poor baby shouldn’t live like this!!”
- not owning a coffee pot, just a Keireg single-cup coffee maker because he thinks this makes him look more sophisticated to the FSG’s he brings over and. Truth: he’s just lazy, not fancy!
- having posters…and hanging them on the wall with scotch tape
- never making the bed
- wearing the first clean thing they see on top of the “clean pile”. To hell with color/pattern coordination.
- not owning a real winter coat. Just a ‘trendy’ windbreaker with some athletic or team logo. “Coats are for pussies.”
- not owning any dress-clothes (not always true, but more often then not). Besides, what’s wrong with jeans and polished Bates’?
- using the trunk of his car and possibly the oven as “storage”.
- still owning a lava-lamp (over 1yr old) that came in a box that SAID “red” but turned out to be pink.
- identifying with Entourage because it’s “deep”.
- thinking some sort of pasta dish and red wine constitutes a fancy enough dinner to seduce a FSG, but realizing those amateur culinary skills are best saved for the SES’s they go out with IBR’s. An FSG knows better.
- investing a lot of money to stock a “mini bar” to look “sophisticated” to guests and dates. Fixing me a top shelf mohito to sip on while I lounge in your camping chairs arranged in front of your 58” flat screen…please.
- not owning dishes that feed more than 4 people…or none at all- just some plastic-ware to pair up with your grandmother’s hand-me-down silverware.
- “artfully” arranging 4 months worth of Playboy magazines on the back of the toilet or on the coffee table. Then adding a Yankee “mandle” (manly smelling candle) to add some ‘class’ to the mix.
- finding a roommate with a completely well-furnished apartment, splurging to furnish your room, and then passing off the whole set-up as your own to dates.
- owning an expensive car (sometimes)
- filling the freezer with booze, (if no mini bar is possible) making grocery shopping pointless because none of the food would fit anyway.
- living in a bedroom without a door.
- owning a couch that apparently smells of cigarettes because it was purchased at a flea market.
- sleeping on an airmattress for 7 months before breaking down to buy a bed.
- living in a bedroom without a door.
- owning a couch that apparently smells of cigarettes because it was purchased at a flea market.
- sleeping on an airmattress for 7 months before breaking down to buy a bed.
…coming soon: Part II: Girl SSB.
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