"...that bwessed awangment."

“Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam.” Yes yes, The Princess Bride is hilarious. Now onto more serious matters.

So handsome!

When I was in college, almost every senior in my sorority was engaged by the time she donned her cap and gown.  The saying was “You come to college to find your husband, you join your sorority to find your bridesmaids.” Gag me, right? Yeah that’s what I thought too.  Wedding after wedding, chicken dance after electric slide, I thought for sure my turn would be coming in a few years.  After all, the college boyfriend and I were “that couple” and everyone was certain we were headed towards matrimonial bliss.  Then reality and fate stepped in and I ninja-bitch-kicked that twerp to the curb. THANK GOODNESS! Fortunately for this princess many years of frogs were ahead of me. Yuck!  Meanwhile, I attended many weddings, watching all my girlfriends marry their Mr. Right and soon after, begin producing perfect little tiny people.  So after about age 25 I sort of just hung up the whole idea that I was going to get to join the club of wedded bliss.  For real.  Call it [and me] bitter, I prefer “realistic”.  I thought if I really met the right person, we’d just do something small and simple. NBD. My family is small… so it’d be easy to plan. Hahahaha! That notion it hilarious to me now. 

Why is that funny, you wonder? Well, if you haven’t met my fiancé then it wouldn’t make sense. He and his family do nothing in moderation.  [Perfect example: We opened presents on Christmas Day…all day. Until dinner. Seriously.] So once we got engaged, and reality set in I realized my idea of something simple and small was lost in the dust. Big time.

Sneaky boyfriend...the ring was in his shirt pocket!!!

To clarify, the act of getting engaged is awesome.  Words don’t do justice to how it felt seeing the man of my dreams on one knee, blinding me with a diamond ring, in the most beautiful place I’d ever been. I was so stunned that instead of crying like most girls do [or say that they do] I just sorta of dropped my jaw in disbelief and kept saying “Oh my God this is really happening. Oh my God. Oh my God….” Sneaky boyfriend! Unfortunately for most couples, the amount of stress and pressure that soon after follows is more like a nightmare [sorry, babe] that doesn’t seem like it’ll end until after the last “Thank You” note is mailed off. 

So let’s just put this out there…the ugly truth, if you will. Being engaged is not the dream that every girl envisions. Seriously, there should be a manual issued to every gal over 21 breaking down all the unfortunate truths of being an adult not living the life we see on “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. [hmm… maybe this manual idea will become another solid post that my buddy Rob will enjoy.]  Weddings cost money, no matter how big or small you want it and as every bride discovers- http://www.theknot.com/ is bursting with vendors ready to rape you for every penny you’re willing to spend, and millions of ideas that most of us non-billionaires can’t afford.  [The better websites for my fabulous gals on a budget? http://www.pinterest.com/ and http://www.etsy.com/ .] 

In addition to feeling like a terrible Bride because you can’t afford a bag of personalized M&M’s or with your initials and date, everyone (family and/or wedding party) has an opinion.  Where to have it. Who to invite. What to wear. What to eat. Which church…the list goes on. RAWR! Help is welcome.  Negativity is not. It makes me a cranky-pants-Bride and then my MOH has to regulate!

Lucky for B and I, we’re footing the bill so what we say goes. Period. <insert ‘plan laugh’ >

The thing that has actually disappoints me most is not that I don’t have $50,000 to spare or that my family has been less than enthusiastic about my wedding, it’s actually the “marriage advice” that I get from RUDE people.  Most of the time, I appreciate a little wisdom from the other officers in my Wardroom or people that I know. But we have a lot of jackasses around…and these crusty old farts really should just keep it moving. Instead of the usual sweet stuff you hear like “Never go to bed angry”, “Always kiss me goodnight”, these jerk faces say things like:

“Hope you got a pre-nup!”

“So you’re really getting married, huh?”

“Wait, you’re getting married to another service member? And you’re both active duty? HA! Good luck!”

“Just wait until you have kids…then your life is over.”

“So, still getting married?”

“Don’t get fat, cut your hair, or stop putting out.”

“Why are you getting married? You’re life is over- your husband isn’t going to let you go out and do anything.”

“Hm. Guess you weren’t planning on staying in the Navy. Wait, you are? Why? Get out and just stay home and have children.”

Seriously.

For the record, I am not interested in the fact that you’ve gone years in your marriage with no sex and you weren’t even deployed. Or that you and your spouse had a ton of kids way too early in your marriage and lost the romance that brought ya’ll together. Or that your wife just won’t put out; and that your kids are brats.  Hell, if I was your wife I wouldn’t either since you have a nasty attitude like that. Maybe it’s time to take a look in the mirror there, pops. It takes two, ya know?! Geez, if you’re that unhappy do what every other middle aged fat ass man having a midlife crisis in America does. Divorce your wife, buy a sports car, get a dumb haircut, a fake tan, and a 22 year old bimbo girlfriend.

I smile and laugh and tell them they’re being silly, but they just look at me like I’m a moron and have no idea what I’m getting myself into. It’s in those moments I wish I’d been just as rude back to them.  I’m about one more negative comment away from invoking my mother’s statement of “If you’ve nothing kind to say to me keep it to yourself.”

…NOT WELCOME HERE!

I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. How could I? I’ve never been married before and honestly no one really knows what the hell they’re doing when they say “I do”… but the few important things I do know is that I love him, we are committed each other and to our life together, and the rest is just details that will work themselves out one way or the other. And I’m always right J HA!

xoxo