When Wanting 'It All" is NOT ok

Hazzardous acting is not ok.

While many a ready saw "Tripple Gs" and immediately thought of a bra size. Let me clarify this. I am referring to lady celebrities who have one talent they're most known for- singer, actor, designer, etc. But suddenly feel the need to "have it all". Really girls, it's ok. While it's great to have goals, it's even more important to be realistic and reasonable. Own what you're good at, and accept what you aren't.

       For this 80's Lady, the trend began with Britney Spears' train wreck of a movie, Crossroads. A cute, feel-good, chick flick about three girls who loved, hated, then loved each other again. Congratulations for realizing that high school is really dumb and you should just be yourself always. If I had a movie about every epiphany I've ever had in my life regarding relationships, friendships, self, and family- I'd be a millionaire [and shut down MTV]. Britney may not have Ms. Franklin's pipes, and her perfume line smells worse than a french whore, but I will absolutely take her pop songs any day over watching her fail-tempt (failed attempt) at acting.

     Next came Jennifer Lopez's singing debut. *shudder* By the time she turned into "J-Lo" and realized that Puff Daddy...wait, P-Diddy...uh..Sean Combs was a completely retarded d-bag, most of the planet realized that she was more fun to look at than to listen to. (and that Mr. Combs really needs to pick a name and stick to it.) Her perfume line was a great success so that and acting is what she should stick to. At least she'll smell and look great. Just don't sing.

Up next? Ms Jessica Simpson. Singing really is her strong point. Her perfume is a bit strong, but great for a special occasion. She's adorable, charming, and LOVES the military which makes her a-ok in my book. But her few stints at acting (read: Dukes of Hazzard & Employee of the Month)...not so much.

     Christina Aguilera. She is my role model and it's almost NEVER that I'd ever say anything negative about her. Almost. But Burlesque wasn't exactly a block-buster, honey. It was fun to watch and dance around to all the songs...almost made me want to trade in my coveralls for a bustier and some thigh highs and head off to LA! You sing extremely well and the perfume line is great. Really! But like I tell Brit, Jenn, and Jess- just stick to that and that alone. Afterall, Ms. Etta James never ever tried to design perfume, act, and make every tabloid.

Paris Hilton. "The Simple Life" killed me. Really. You are stupid. The show was stupid. The network who aired it was stupid. End of discussion. You're known for being a socialite, getting trashy at parties, forgetting your panties, and coining obnoxious phrases that only 13 year old SES's would blurt out. Just stick to what you're good at. The perfume? No. Your one song you recorded WITH music video? No. And acting? Absolutely not!!! None of that is "hot" so please, just keep it 'simple' dear.

Kim Kardashian. I love you. You're a single gal and get annoyed at everyone who can't stand your status. Girl, I feel your pain. But after hearing that you'd moved from your awesome [but silly] TV shows and designing to singing? Seriously, babe? You're beautiful but no. Just no.

And last, but not least- Rhianna. While you can sing, your perfume sucks and please-oh-please don't ever let me see you on the silver screen. Ever.

Note to ALL the ladies: BEWARE with dying your hair brunette and being overly tan. With spring coming up, I'm noticing a trend. Just saying...

SSB Part I

SSB PART I.

SSB- (Secret Single Behavior) verb. Definition: actions or lifestyle choices that only apply to those who live alone, are not in a relationship, or both. This is behavior we may never demonstrate to a potential mate for fear of judgment, abandonment, etc.

Eating over the sink, not owning a dining room table, never closing the bathroom door…these are all forms of what is commonly referred to as SSB. While ‘In Between Relationships’ (IBR) or Dating Droubts (“DD’s” for short), we sink back into our habits formed while without a significant other. I would say that even a roommate can send these little behaviors into hiding, but for yours truly it’s really not the case. With two male roommates, I happily eat my Chinese take-out in my bed while enjoying reruns of old tv shows on my 20” beast-of-a-box-tv. Yes, even this TV is my SSB. It never occurred to me that my TV was old or small until I brought a date home last summer and he asked “where are the binoculars? Your tv is so small!!!”. It was then that I realized it was time for an upgrade…at some point. Of course, that was delayed thanks to my roommate purchasing a 58” BEAST of a flat screen for our living room. I swear, the homeless guys in the parking lot across the street could probably see the picture on this thing! What else does a guy’s SSB include? Well let’s see…

Guy SSB includes:

- leaving clothing and shoes right-where-they-took-them-off(dining room, bathroom, etc.)

- not flushing, peeing with the door open

- sitting on the couch in boxers

- playing PSP for 6+ consecutive hours

- drinking to excess in the middle of the day

- purchasing groceries ‘as-needed’ instead of planning trips that will last for a few weeks.

- not cooking anything more complicated than toast or soup.

- bringing home random women and having loud sex

- not paying utility bills until the service is cut off

- owning more PSP games than movies

- not owning a real bed…just a mattress on the floor. Box-spring optional.

- not actually owning any real furniture. Just college dorm leftovers.

- using as little light/electricity as possible at any given moment, and preventing anyone else from wasting it by unscrewing light bulbs and unplugging electronics and appliances.

- spending an obscene amount of money on a fancy blue ray player and surround sound, but then wiring it up so that even Houdini couldn’t figure it out on the first try.

- watching Toy Story at top volume WITH surround sound at 1130pm when roommates have to get up for work the next day.

- leaving beer bottles in the shower

- not owning air-freshener for the bathroom or home/apartment

- inviting people over for a dinner party that their SES of the week will actually set up and break down. This duty also includes the ‘awesome’ DS she’ll have later with said guy. (“Self Esteem Susie” to be discussed in a later post.)

- not cleaning the apartment until his mother shows up and immediately dons rubber gloves because her “poor baby shouldn’t live like this!!”

- not owning a coffee pot, just a Keireg single-cup coffee maker because he thinks this makes him look more sophisticated to the FSG’s he brings over and. Truth: he’s just lazy, not fancy!

- having posters…and hanging them on the wall with scotch tape

- never making the bed

- wearing the first clean thing they see on top of the “clean pile”. To hell with color/pattern coordination.

- not owning a real winter coat. Just a ‘trendy’ windbreaker with some athletic or team logo. “Coats are for pussies.”

- owning more condoms than he’ll actually ever go through in a year, and by the time he needs them, they’re expired.

- not owning any dress-clothes (not always true, but more often then not). Besides, what’s wrong with jeans and polished Bates’?

- using the trunk of his car and possibly the oven as “storage”.

- still owning a lava-lamp (over 1yr old) that came in a box that SAID “red” but turned out to be pink.

- identifying with Entourage because it’s “deep”.

- thinking some sort of pasta dish and red wine constitutes a fancy enough dinner to seduce a FSG, but realizing those amateur culinary skills are best saved for the SES’s they go out with IBR’s. An FSG knows better.

- investing a lot of money to stock a “mini bar” to look “sophisticated” to guests and dates. Fixing me a top shelf mohito to sip on while I lounge in your camping chairs arranged in front of your 58” flat screen…please.

-  not owning dishes that feed more than 4 people…or none at all- just some plastic-ware to pair up with your grandmother’s hand-me-down silverware.

- “artfully” arranging 4 months worth of Playboy magazines on the back of the toilet or on the coffee table. Then adding a Yankee “mandle” (manly smelling candle) to add some ‘class’ to the mix.

- finding a roommate with a completely well-furnished apartment, splurging to furnish your room, and then passing off the whole set-up as your own to dates.

- owning an expensive car (sometimes)

- filling the freezer with booze, (if no mini bar is possible) making grocery shopping pointless because none of the food would fit anyway.
- living in a bedroom without a door.
- owning a couch that apparently smells of cigarettes because it was purchased at a flea market.
- sleeping on an airmattress for 7 months before breaking down to buy a bed. 

- refusing to let go of any of these behaviors until he realizes that he’ll never score an FG (Fabulous Girlfriend) unless he does… or hanging onto his absurdity and settling for an SES while secretly pining for an FG.

…coming soon: Part II: Girl SSB.